Hi I am a 34 year old woman married for 13 years to the same man, first time marriage. I have four children from teenaged to 5 year old ages. I am a stay at home, homeschooling Christian mom. I love staying home, that's not an issue. I really need advice on my marriage!

My husband and I married young, I met him when I was 19 and married him when I was 21. We have had lots of problems in our marriage. No infidelity, but I am feeling so hopeless about it all. I have pretty much given up. I have "checked out" after years of having him "check out" So here are the problems. Neither one of us are drug or alcohol users.

He ignores me sexually. He has been doing this for years. It always seems to be the woman that councilors advise not to withhold sex. I wish! I love having sex and would happily do it every day with my husband. I have never cheated on him, not even flirted with other men. I dress modestly and don't go out on girls night outs to reclaim my lost singlehood.

At first I would initiate sex every time, but after awhile I realized that unless I started it we never had sex. It made me feel unattractive and undesirable. I would bring it up and he would say he would change but there never is any. Now I don't even bother even though I am sexually frustrated much of the time. When I do bring it up he says he's tired, or sore, or has a headache. By the time he finally gets around to wanting to be intimate with me, about once a month, I am so angry and frustrated that its no longer a intimate time, just a sexual release.

Next the problem is finances, he doesn't gamble or throw money away, but he never makes enough and has put us into debt many times by bad choices. We are going through a bankruptsy right now. I am very frugal and hate credit cards or debt. I have scrimpt and saved and made do for so long but I am getting so tired of it. I sacrifice for months and just get us ahead, I manage the bills and money, and then he gets bad paychecks for months and we are back to nothing, no money even for clothing for our children.

He never talks to me, he comes home, eats dinner that I have ready every night, then sits down and plays on his phone or watches tv. I used to talk to him but soon realized that he never would start conversations with me. If I didn't talk he wouldn't talk, and conversations were very one sided. So I just gave up. I don't even think he notices.

He loves his children and cares for them and helps with them when he is home, but he is very hands off disiplin wise. If there is a problem with the kids I have to deal with it.

He never has any plans or suggests things we could do as a family or couple. I have to suggest any outings or activities.

I pretty much feel alone. I cant imagine being married to him until my 5 year old is 18 but that is what I have to do. I don't like him anymore, don't even want to be around him. In fact I am happier when he is at work.

I feel so hopeless. I want to be in a loving relationship with a man but now I am to a point that I cant even stand him. I don't WANT to fix our marriage because I don't WANT to stay married to him.

On the other hand I hate the thought of divorcing due to my children. He is a good father and loves his children and I love them beyond the moon. I came from a divorced family so I know what that is like, it's horrible even at it's best.

I wonder if I could ever love him again, or even feel affection for him. Right now all I feel is anger, frustration, and depression when I think of our marriage.

Has anyone come back from that? I know he cannot change, he hasn't yet and I don't see it happening.

I have talked to him before about this, many times in fact. He acknowledges that he has these problems and wants to change, but change doesn't come.

My question is has anyone had these problems and fell back in love with their husband/wife?

Welcome to MB. We've had many, many marriages not be in love when they land here to end up having very romantic marriages.

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

I also have faults that I know have hurt our marriage! No marriage is one sided and I have struggled with issues as well.

I have a temper and have said hurtful things during arguments. My husband is very passive aggressive and avoids any conflict. He tends to shut down during any conflict and so I get more and more frustrated and finally just either blow up, or now more frequently give up trying and just walk away.

I can be a nag when he wont do things that need doing around the house. I have tried to improve this by cutting down on any requirements I might have for him to avoid more stress.

I am overweight. The more he ignored me the more I let myself go weight wise. I have always been very clean and also cared for my home well and children well. But because we have always had so little money I wouldn't buy myself clothes. I would go to thrift stores and only get what fit even though it wouldn't be what I would buy if I had a choice. Now I am finally taking care of myself and buying myself inexpensive new clothes, getting my hair cut more often, etc. He says that my weight is fine and he has no problem with it, I don't know if that is the truth. To be fair he does like more voluptuous women and always comments that most popular actresses are "too thin"

Thanks for the reply BrainHurts, I have just felt so alone for so long. I have never talked to anyone about this, not even family or friends because I didn't want to run my husband down to others.

Hi Phaydra, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds to me like he has checked out of the marriage. And I suspect a big part of this is due to the fact that he is not being honest with you about the things that bother him. That is also very typical when your spouse blows up, as you have. He probably doesn't want the drama.

I would utilize all the free resources on this forum and start with the "start here first" thread. You need 2 books, though, Lovebusters and Fall in Love, Stay in Love. You can get one free book by writing to Dr Harley for advice on his radio show. If you include your phone #, they will call you. for FREE.

Does he look at porn? Has he had his testosterone checked?

This is probably the reason WHY he is not honest with you.


The problem with this approach is that it creates and mommy versus son relationship when you unilaterally decide what needs to get done without his input. The marriage builders approach is to decide what needs to get done TOGETHER and then negotiate who gets to do it. But when he has no part in the decision making in the first place it creates a mommy versus son relationship. using the policy of joint agreement will make you both equal partners in the marriage.


He may find you attractive, but he may also be afraid to tell you otherwise. Most men are terrified to tell their wives the truth because our culture says they are "shallow."

Your DH sounds exactly like mine. I know exactly how it is to feel unattractive, undesirable and depressed. I also know the feeling of being sexually frustrated and you don't even want to be intimate anymore.

Have you snooped to see if he's viewing porn?

I put a keylogger on my DH computer and discovered a porn addiction.