Your husband is not remotely serious about ending his affair. He must agree to ALL your conditions in order to stay, that means agreeing to never see or speak to the OW again. He is keeping his options open. I would tell him this won't work and ask him to leave.

In many no fault states, adultery is taken into account. What state are you in?

I don't understand why your husband is telling you what he needs from you in order to stay, if you are asking him to leave??

This doesn't make sense to me. If you are asking him to leave why is he telling you things he needs in order to STAY? He seems to be under impression he has room to negotiate and has leverage. He is in no position to negotiate.

MM~

His affair is what is damaging your children. I am not saying that angry outbursts are okay, however, it is TRUE that he is an adulterer and a cheater, soooo...

And OH MY GOSH -- He is seriously foggy! He isn't willing to apologize for the affair in case you guys don't work out and he goes back to her? Honestly, reading that made MY blood pressure go sky high, so I must say I have to commend you for not turning him into a WH sized greasy spot on the floor for that little gem. Good grief!

MelodyLane is spot on in all of her advice to you -- especially that he is not one bit serious about ending his affair right now. Please stick to your guns -- do not allow him in your life while he is this fogged out -- doing so will only lead to more heartache and pain for both you and your children.

Mrs. W

P.S. I am a FWW whose affair was 8 years ago -- My husband and I are happily recovered now, but I can tell you that if he decided to leave me today, or God forbid something should happen to him, there is NO WAY on God's green earth that you'd find me anywhere near the former OM!!! Having an affair was the most shameful and regrettable thing I've ever done in my life -- no way would I want to revisit that gutter or the other pig that rolled around in it with me.

hi all, I guess he is telling me things he needs to stay and I am listening because I recognize my part in the reasons leading up to the affair. I was not meeting his emotional needs. I am trying to take ownership of that. In reading your posts, I am understanding that we can work on that part later. First and foremost he needs to want to end the affair the way I want it to be ended. I have been confusing avoiding love busters with trying to say what ever I needed to say to have him stay.

I think BS's are also in a type of fog as well and it takes those outside the marriage to help continue to focus the BS to the real issues and to "nut up". Thank you for helping me. You have no idea of how far I have come since first finding this website. Just wish I found this a year ago.

MM, again, this makes no sense. If you are asking him to LEAVE then he doesn't need anything to stay. "Take ownership?" huh? You are not asking him to stay. You are asking him to LEAVE if he won't meet your conditions.

His unmet emotional needs are a distraction from ending his affair and meeting your conditions. If he wants his needs met he needs to end his affair and agree to your conditions. THEN you can discuss the plan of recovery.

He must do STEP ONE before you can discuss STEP TWO. STEP ONE is to end his affair and affair proof your marriage. Stay on STEP ONE until it is achieved and don't talk about anything else.

Make it abundantly clear you will NEVER meet his needs if he doesn't end his affair and meet all of your conditions. That is because you will be divorced.

This is not his first affair, is it? This guy is very wayward and very manipulative.

Wow, this exposure stuff is really powerful, it is making him crumble. Many thanks to this website, Dr. Harley and all of you, especially MelodyLane. Helping me stick to my guns about what I need has been incredibly valuable.

He spent most of last night asking me to show him some charity and to stop telling people. Claiming it is going to be damaging to the children. Then he came to bed last night sobbing, telling me that his life is ruined now because of the exposure. For the first time in a really long time, I just said nothing, let him freak out and then he got up and said, "I'm out". Good! As far as first affair, I am now wondering that myself. He had behavior like this years ago but then it just kind of stopped. In hindsight, he probably had an affair that ended without me knowing.

In the meanwhile, I have two children at critical stages of their life. One is a jr in high school and the other is a freshman in high school. They are watching their parents go through this ugly, ugly time. I know I have got to keep my emotions together and protect them. Aside from contacting their counselors at their schools and talking to them, what else should I be doing?

Good. Now is the time to demand him to end the affair and write the NC letter.

Have you exposed to the OW's friends and family?

What they are seeing is a strong woman who is role modeling the proper behavior when her husband behaves like a despicable dog. They are seeing you stand up for yourself, your children and your marriage! This is a GREAT life lesson for your children. You are teaching to be strong and not tolerate incredible abuse from your spouse.

Did your husband move out last night?

And if your husband complains again about exposure causing "damage," just tell him you believe it was the AFFAIR that caused the damage.

Mediamom,

Let exposure do what it is suppose to making his fantasy hit reality square in the face, let it hit hard, just keep repeating you exposed to save your marriage and your family nothing more just repeat each and every time, tell him you love him enough to fight for your family and your marriage....
Telling the kids is the right thing this whole mess is caused by selfish dishonesty your children deserve the truth they can be your biggest help......
Your husband is now forced to live what his choices have given his life, you only told the truth nothing more, stop with the name calling and be the woman he can see as his best option......keep to the facts and say just the points don't elborate or try to teach him anything that is up to him to figure out himself.......I am also married to a lawyer and they know how to twist the words the less words you use and if you only stick to the facts they understand this and that is how they base their decisions on.......Let him process what he has done..........being strong by setting your boundaries is the only way.......he either does it the MB way or he leaves and figures it out himself don't help him in anyway let him fall hard, let him cry......best possible thing..........
Talk to your children they are old enough to understand the truth and the difficulty you are facing right now, explain the boundaries you have ask for and then stick to it.........
right now your husband thinks you aren't serious he did this to his own life and reputation not you as my husband did as well.
Until the affair ends there can be no healing of the marriage......he ends it he goes through withdrawal and then you two work on a MB plan for the best marriage you can have........Listen to MelodyLane she can walk you through this you just have to do what she asks and stay strong........look you are a smart woman this time you take control of how your life is going to play out stop the doormat stuff and show him what he will lose let him feel it all of it.........
Throw him back to the OW let her try to fill all the needs you have been filling she can't do that, he will see the difference and the faults fairly quickly....
He will come crawling back in no time........until then move his things into the garage and start living your life without him show him you are moving on .....
fewer words give him nothing to blame you for own your own marital faults and tell him you are willing to learn and change whatever you have to as well if he agrees as well to give up the OW and dedicate and commit to your marriage and family......
in every marriage one person has to carry the other when they can't think themselves this is your turn..........take over driving the bus........let him cry let him hurt let him understand what he has done............the sooner you allow that to happen the sooner he will come to his senses......
hang in there, be still for now.......

I started thinking again about MelodyLane's question if this was his first affair. I realized deep in my heart that it was not. I confronted him and he was speechless. He has been having an affair with the skank for 6-7 years. The amount of lies, deceit and betrayal is so overwhelming, I am still in shock. and on top of me knowing these facts he continues to lie and spin all of the facts. I am just disgusted with him. Literally sick to my stomach. I thought I could work on this betrayal that I thought lasted about a year, but i just don't think I can get past this. It is just too much. I have been wrecking my brain over the last year, and most recently trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I still know that there are things that I could have done differently if I could, but thinking about his constant berating this past year and telling me all the different ways I am a failure as a spouse just leaves my is total despair.

I left the house to clear my head and I came back and he had my computer open to these posts. Of course blaming all of you for giving me bad advice and that we should go back to counseling. So I asked him to give me one truth. He couldn't do it. so I told him that if he cant be truthful or honest with me, what good is a counselor? He told me this was my last chance to save the marriage. Goodbye WH. we spent all last summer in counseling and the affairs never came up, kind of an important detail to work through.

"He told me this was my last chance to save the marriage." What a pompous [censored]! Like he is doing you any favors??

Please seek counsel and take care of that account ASAP

Since he felt entitled to read your communications, (he is), he should be equally willing for you to check his. Ask him for all his usernames and passwords, no deleting messages.

first of all take care of yourself for right now.......as best you can.....you are in shock your instincts were correct and at least now the truth is out and he also has had an introduction to MB.
you need to figure out what you can live with now. It is his fault and no one else's there isn't anything you ever did to cause this or deserve this kind of disrespect.
You need to re-expose with the real details of his affair so everyone is aware of who and how long this has been going on, as well with your children, put his clothes out on the step change the locks and tell him that you are through unless there are radical changes in him......
expose everyone including the OW's side........
go to see your own lawyer have a separation agreement drawn up like you want and what you want to protect yourself you cannot trust him .....do no let him bully you you have as many rights as him and adultery might be no fault he will not want it to be public knowledge especially being a lawyer where everyone knows him.....
My husband was humiliated by what he had chosen with his peers his affair was with a law clerk........they really are stupid just because they are lawyers they are still stupid waywards like the best of them....let it happen, burst his lying bubble........burst the OW's life, make it as difficult as possible...
right now go get yourself help, meds if you need to sleep or stay calm whatever it takes go get yourself a lawyer and start showing him that this is his last chance if you even want to give him a chance and no one would blame you........
dont believe a word he says everything out of his mouth will be a lie, no MC it will not work as long as he is with the OW there is no marriage.......
keep coming back to get the help to naviagate this mess..........sorry for the pain you are feeling..........

Shame on you all. I am MM's WS. What I see on this thread is my wife coming here under the most painful, distraught and fragile circumstances looking for help to save a quarter-century long relationship. She had confronted me about an affair. I admitted to it and broke it off in person. My wife has taken ownership of the fact that she, too, bears some of the responsibility of our bad marriage; while we both agree that it is not an excuse for the infidelity.

At the moment just before she confronted me, our marriage was over. We were (at my insistence) getting a divorce. The way she handled the confrontation, with a willingness to forgive and pursue changes by both of us to make the marriage work gave me the slimmest of hopes that it might work.

Over the course of the next few days her actions and words flew in the face of the kinds of things I needed to see to know that there could possibly even be a future for us, after first traveling down the long long road to recovering from my mistakes of having the affair and all the deceit that goes with it. I was baffled at how she could, on the one hand insist that she wanted it to work, then on the other, do and say things which she had to have known I could never live with, or result in me feeling truly loved by her (you may flame away on my not deserving it, but if the marriage is going to work, BOTH people must feel loved the way they need to be loved).

But now I read this thread and see you dispensing advice that was venomous to our relationship. Without any knowledge of all the forces at work in our personal relationship, you even had the audacity to exclaim that she MUST AVOID AT ALL COST seeking the advice of a PROFESSIONAL! I read at times where she tried to explain some of the personal circumstances our relationship presents and you scolded her for being weak and insisted that she follow your cookie cutter self help book checklists.

I'm sure most of you mean well -- but I'm sure there are some frauds hiding in the anonymity of the internet, interjecting only to cause trouble. Our relationship was troubled long before the affair, but I will admit that my behavior, my choice to have the affair, was by far the biggest sin. We probably would not have made it through this anyway. If it had any chance it was because of how my wife handled the initial confrontation, but the advice you dispensed here, and preying on her vulnerability to dissuade her from her own instincts as to how to handle some of the issues quickly squashed whatever chance there might have been.

How in God's name can you proclaim that you want to help, then chastise a person for seeking the aid of professionals in doing so? You keep citing Dr. whomever, the book's author. I bet he would be the first to state that there is no substitute for personal professional help. I bet somewhere on this forum there is a disclaimer that you people are not professionals and a note to seek personal professional help if your marriage is troubled. There's a reason for that. You have done MM and our children a great disservice here. Shame on you all.

No, sir , you have done a great disservice to your wife and children. Shame on you

Shame on us?? You are the man who has put your wife through the most horrible trauma any human being can do to another.

We are the volunteers giving our time to help people learn and apply this program, the only successful affair recovery program that exists.

Your wife is lying bleeding on the floor, as a result of wounds you have inflicted.

Instead of arguing with strangers on the internet, how about you start taking some steps to save the woman you have brutalized?