I have never been to this site before so please forgive me if I do this wrong.

I had an affair 20 years ago. I was young and stupid. I was in a bad marriage. I was unhappy. Felt unloved. We were all church people but none of us had really walked with the Lord. My husband would tell me he was invited to go somewhere and I couldn't go with him. He would leave me at another couple's house who were our best friends. He often asked me why I couldn't be more like so-and-so. (another woman we knew.) It was very clear to me that I was not living up to his desires. When work needed to be done around the house he wouldn't do it. He had his best friend come take care of things. When my car broke down and I was stranded he was too busy to come pick me up. He had his best friend come help me. When i wanted to learn how to do my own oil change he said to have his best friend teach me. He wouldn't even come out of the house to join us. His best friend and I spent a lot of time together because my husband and the other wife (my best friend) couldn't be bothered to pick up dinner or the video or the groceries - so they would send us. A lot of flirting had been going on from this man towards me. A lot of teasing from this other man to me. right in front of our spouses. mine didn't care. He laughed it off. My best friend cared a lot and would give her husband hateful looks. So eventually, after seven years of being best friends with this other couple, and all the flirting from the OM and disinterest from my husband, my affections shifted and I had feelings for my husband's best friend. I admitted the feelings and we had a big family pow wow and had to separate the friendship for about a month. Nothing changed in my marriage. After the month my husband wanted to get back together with our friends. I protested. I didn't want to be around them anymore. He insisted. So we went over for dinner. The very next day the OM came to my house while my husband was at work and with pretty words and lots of flirting convinced me that if we just kiss we would get over our mutual attraction to each other. so I did it. I loved it. It was exciting and passionate and everything I had been feeling and wanting and wasn't getting. It didn't end there. The OM told me how gorgeous I was, how much he had always loved me, How my husband was a fool for the way he treated me, etc. We started having an affair that lasted three months, having sex four or five times. Each time I was more in love but felt more desperate and lonely when it was over. The shame I felt for what i was doing to this woman who i truly loved like a sister was killing me but i was drunk on wanting my own piece of happiness. I wanted to be with the OM all the time. there was very little sneaking around because my husband and his wife made it so easy. Their lack of interest in us was shocking. It was not to be confused with trust - this was disinterest and laziness. We would walk Into the house together and find the two of them in the recliners and we were left to share the love seat. Then the OM started to feel guilty about how he was treating my husband - his best friend. Not his wife. not me. My husband. He wanted to confess to my husband and beg his forgiveness. I wanted to run away together and he told me he had no interest in leaving his wife. He loved her. This was interesting information because a week ago he said he didn't love her he loved me. Something was changing. The last time we were together he was almost cruel to me. I could feel his affections had changed and he may as well have left a 20 on my nightstand. I have never felt so much despair and hopelessness as that afternoon. He told me he had just been using me. He confessed to his wife and forced me to tell my husband. My husband shocked me in that he cried. I didn't think he would care at all. He didn't act like he loved me at all so why would he even care. We had several very long months of counseling. There was zero contact between me and the OM or his wife. She now hated me and I didn't blame her. At first my husband said he forgave me but he made it clear I was on probation. he punished me by the way he treated me. I was still in the delusion of love for this other man and just waited every day for him to come get me. Then one day my husband had a meeting with the OM and a counselor. He came home and told me about the meeting how the OM begged his forgiveness and confessed that he never had any feelings for me. He just said all the right words to get me into bed and use me. I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. I had given him my heart and he destroyed it. I had gone from no love to a predator who ruined my reputation and my heart for the rest of my life.

a few months later there was a change in me. The Lord got my attention and changed my heart. I gave my heart to him and he cleaned it up and made me new. I'm a different person now. I have had zero affection for the OM for 20 years. Nothing. only disdain an disgust. My husband did a lot of soul searching and the Lord has changed him completely. He is obsessive in his love towards me now. He no longer makes me feel like he's disappointed when he comes home and I'm there. He can't wait to see me. We have a wonderful marriage and we've been happy for 19 years now. I can't imagine being without him.

I still live with the shame of what I've done. To my husband. To my best friend of 20 years ago. I don't recognize that woman who did those things but I know she is a part of me. What leads me to these forums today is the new situation I find myself in. After 20 years my husband has decided to reconcile our relationship with the other couple. They have been desperately wanting to be friends with us again. They are both so sorry about what happened and have forgiven me. They miss us and want to be with us. DH wants to minister to them to show he has forgiven the OM. I told DH I was against this. I don't think its a good idea. For one thing, they all think they want this but bad memories are bound to surface one day. I am not afraid that I still have feelings for the OM. I definitely have feelings - but they are not the romantic kind! This man broke my heart and used me. He almost destroyed my life. I want my husband to be happy and I want to minister to this woman who for some unexplainable reason wants to be friends with me again. I can't believe she really wants to be around me after what I did but she is wanting to spend time with me.

We have been with them a couple of times with other couples involved. I can't even look at this man. I hate being in the same room with him. I don't like the reminder of my shameful actions. He angers me that he used me. it angers me that the whole experience was nothing to him when at the time it was everything to me. He had no trouble getting over it because it was all a lie to him. I was delusional but I meant every word at the time. But it did and does hurt that the OM's only concern was for his friendship with my husband. And it angers me that he is getting what he wanted. They are friends again. It was a punch in the face 20 years ago and I feel the sting today when we have to be around them.

I have a hard time even acting like myself. The other man tells a joke and everyone laughs but me. his wife looks at me and smiles sympathetically. I feel like I'm in a bad dream. I know God's forgiveness can work miracles. I think to myself - how do these people want me to act? I can either sit here uncomfortable and miserable and try to act like nothing is wrong. Or I can let go and just be myself and join in like it never happened. How long would that last before something appears like flirting and sets off something in the victimized spouses? One minute they are having fun and the next minute they are reminded of the pain we caused them. This just seems like a really bad idea all around.

finally, where i'm stuck is that I am hurt and suffering because of what this OM did to me. But I was the OW and nearly recked two marriages. There is no sympathy for me. My husband and his wife were the victims - they were hurt and damaged because of our selfishness. but I was hurt and damaged too. No one cares because I got what I deserved. I was treated like a cheap whore because I acted like one. but I am a flesh and blood person with feelings and my heart was broken too. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I just wanted to stop hurting and be happy and loved like anyone else. I made a horrible horrible mistake to make that happen and turned out to give my heart away to someone who tossed it aside. I was 25 years old. Looking back I was a baby. But I've paid for my crime in spades. it is very complicated. I am not at all concerned about romantic feelings or temptation rising up in me. I will also make sure we are never never alone. Not even next to each other in a room with other people. I am concerned about bad memories rising up in our spouses. And I don't know how to get over the hurt and anger and unforgiveness to this OM.

Please tell me what you think and don't hold back. I am looking for some perspective to be able to best please my husband and this other woman and honor God with my words and actions.

Still, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Have you read Dr. Harley's advice for recovery after infidelity? Dr. Harley recommends those who have had an affair have absolutely no contact with former affair partners. He usually recommends a move to a new city in order to build a new life of recovery after an affair.

In cases like yours where the husband or wife wants their formerly-wayward spouse to maintain contact with an affair partner, Dr. Harley advises them to refuse to do it.

Dr. Harley says there must be no contact with the affair partner for life.

Coping with Infidelity: The End

Stillashamed,

convinced me that if we just kiss we would get over our mutual attraction to each other. so I did it. I loved it. It was exciting and passionate and everything I had been feeling and wanting and wasn't getting. It didn't end there. The OM told me how gorgeous I was, how much he had always loved me, How my husband was a fool for the way he treated me, etc. We started having an affair that lasted three months, having sex four or five times. Each time I was more in love but felt more desperate and lonely when it was over......I wanted to be with the OM all the time.

The memories of the intensity of the attraction you felt for OM are good reason alone for your never contacting him. Does your BH know everything about what happened?

Given what you wrote it's almost like the stronger attraction was between your BH and OMW?

God Bless
Gamma

Dr Harley is very clear: There can be no contact between affair partners for tge rest of their life

I noticed that, too, Gamma.

And contact between an affair partner and the BS is also a catastrophically bad idea. What it boils down to is this: BS will need to choose their WS/FWS or their spouse's OP - they will not be able to successfully hold onto both.

Hint: if the WS is a FWS then the BS should pick their spouse.

Another hint: if the WS is not a FWS, then the BS should pick nobody!

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

In the book you will read that NC must be for life.

Tell your BH that his job is to protect you. Making you see the OM is making revisit your PA. A time in your life that has caused you much pain. There is no reason for your BH to make you relive your PA 20 years later.

In this case your BH is DEAD WRONG! Step up and tell him NO. You are right to feel this way. And the situation would be no different if you had romantic feelings about your old AP. He should know better.

Kudos on recovering your marriage and 20 years by the way.