Hi,<BR>I guess reading Sidneys post about making soup and loving to cook brought on this question? Since my husband and I separated I find it hard to do any of the things I used to enjoy when we were together...I used to love doing crafts,cooking sewing all the things a loving wife does for her family...Now I find its an effort to do the things I used to enjoy so much...I try, but the joy just isn't there...If it wasn't for my 2 children I probably wouldn't do anything<BR>Its so hard being here with all the responsibility of raising the kids alone...I know I am truly blessed to have 2 wonderful children...but I don't have a family anymore...You have to understand too...that for 15 years my husband and the kids later on did everything together...We worked together, went camping and fishing...I mean we had a wonderful marriage and family life and then all of a sudden wham...Its all gone...How does one ever get over such a loss? I have such a empty place in my life that my husband used to fill...I can only hope that with time and Gods will...he will return someday...If not I'll have to learn how to be alone...because I will never love another...<BR>lonesome

lonesome,<P>Ah... very sad post... and here's the thing... I'm sure you are aware of this, but your subject title is actually one of the first criteria on a checklist to determine if there is clinical depression. <P>You have every reason to be wracked with pain, but have you also gone to the doctor for a physical or to see about some anti deps? Maybe the time is now for that, just to get you over the hump? Maybe a counselor to talk about your loss?<P>Your post just sounds so sad... I'm sorry if I'm telling you something you already know...<P>Thinking about you...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Lonesome,<P>I have to agree with Sheryl and recommend you see a counselor or doctor for some meds. It is hard to work through your issues when you are depressed. Medication can do wonders for you. I once felt like you. I too lost it all one day. But with the help of anti-depressants and a year of therapy, I can truly see that I have a new lease on life. I am once again doing things that make me happy. My marriage fell apart and I thought I would too, but now I have been on my own for over a year and have started building a life that is full and rich and based on my dreams and goals. I hope that you will take care of yourself and reach out to those that can help you get through this phase. It is only a phase and things do change.

Thankyou for your caring words...I have thought about seeing about medication for depression...but I'm so afraid of the side effects...Also everytime I am ready to go see the doctor...I start feeling better and put off going...I have a wonderful family who has been very supportive...but then again I can't imagine going through life never feeling happy...Have any of you ever taken anti depressents? Are there many side effects? Just wondering.<BR>lonesome

Hi Lonesome,<BR> What you are feeling is normal but you can get help for the depression as Sheryl and Limerick has said...you have suffered a tremendous loss (my counselor said it is actually worse than dealing with a death, I'm not sure if that is true but I'm sure it feels like it).<P>Hi Limerick,<BR> Could you tell me more about your life and how you have rebuilt one without H? You sound so strong.....We are now in recovery but things are not that great ....my H seems to be making no attempt to come around and I'm wondering what the future will hold. I DO not want to live the rest of my life with someone who doesn't want me or love me......Lu

Hi, Lonesome. I have been on 25 mg Elavil each night for almost three months. The main side effects are a slightly quicker heartbeat, thirst and dry mouth in the morning, and slight constipation, which is taken care of if you eat all those good fiber foods you are supposed to eat anyway. <P>Positive effects are 1) deeper sleep (you take it 1/2 hour before bedtime),<BR>and 2) hopeless feelings are few and far between now, even thought "WE" have some big setbacks sometimes.<P>I had been full of despair and sick to my stomach, living on Ensure and Iced tea. Now I can eat again, and cope with the day to day of living...Of course, we do have a really good therapist, too.<P>Elavil is not usually the docs' first choice, because other drugs are newer, but since it had been tried for me for migraine years ago, I knew I could tolerate it.<P>Hope this helps.<P>Liz<BR>who may be POGP (His Pearl of Great Price) on Monday, although last night's date was a pretty big bummer...I'll be posting on it to the betrayers to get some insight.<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

lonesome,<P>You are feeling the same hopelessness and despair we have all felt and it does come and go some still for me. I agree with the others about the anti-depressants.<P>I, too have lost interest in "normal" activities for me. I am a second-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do and I haven't been back to the school in over 7 months but twice in the very beginning after finding out about the affair. For more than one reason: he was using that time to call her when he was still home; I didn't have the energy or focus required to perform at that level; people there know me and H very well and always ask about family and I just couldn't face it.<P>I am gradually adding things back into my life. If old hobbies remind you too much of the family things you all did pre-affair, try something new. I am working on my PhD via distance learning! I am loving this, because it gives me something to focus on besides my troubles.<P>I started going to the library and even hang out alot at the bookstore. I am determined to at least learn something about myself from all of this, no matter what the outcomeof my marriage.<P>Also, I reconnected with a very small group of friends whom I had withdrawn from after initial discovery. These guys have "adopted" me and it has been a real lifesaver! They make sure I get included in activites. Today, I am going to a party with their motorcycle club. I won't know anybody there but them, but that is OK, I am ready to meet some new people.<P>I think you have to do things in baby steps.<BR>Pick one thing you will do. Say going to the library...check out a couple of easy reads. I read several Ernest Hemingway novles I had never gotten around to reading. They are such easy reads and pretty short. If you think of rconstructing your entire life without your H, it will be too overwhelming.<P>Baby steps, baby steps... Please resolve to do ONE thing this entire weekend. Buy a CD for yourself, take your kids to the movies, something you can get some joy from...<P>I will be checking to see if you did anything, so please do try...<P>Roll Me Away

Everyone's right. We all feel the same way. The hardest things I had to do were things I had once enjoyed doing. Still haven't gotten them all back.<P>Baby steps - they do work. Like they said, pick one thing - very small- to do each day.<P>At first I didn't even want to do the things I HAD to do - pay bills, clean up, laundry, cook, haul daughter and friends around. <P>It will come back , but you have to work at it.<P>Good luck.<P>Lori

Lonesome,<P>What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. We all feel or have felt the same way. You certainly can see the same patterns in each post. They're nearly identical! RMA is right, at first you have to force yourself. Do something that is relatively easy, but just for you. In my case, I started by buying myself a fresh bunch of flowers every week. Even though it was only $3 or $4, it felt like a big splurge. I put them on the diningroom table, & would enjoy them each morning while having coffee before going to work. Many times, I would sit there and cry, but looking at the flowers would always make me feel better. It was spiritual for me, as well. I often thought "there must be a God, who else could have created these beautiful flowers?". And, if He loves us enough to give us these wonderful flowers, then He surely is helping me get through this.<P>Taking care of ourselves is very hard for women. We're not trained to do that. We're supposed to take care of everyone else. But, you must put yourself first, right now, even if it doesn't come naturally. Once you do it, it gets easier.<P>P.S. It took me four months to make that soup. Major accomplishment!!<P>Hang in there. We're all here for you.

Forgot to mention, that I have also been on Zoloft for three months. It doesn't numb the pain, it just allows you to better control your emotions, and think more clearly. The side effects have been minimal. Dry mouth, & thirst at first, but that's now gone away. It also has taken some of my appetite away (I think). The stress might be doing it, too. It also helps you establish a more normal sleep pattern.<P>It takes about three weeks to fully kick in. I immediately felt calmer, when I first started taking it.<P>I would highly recommend it or another anti-dep. Even Dr.Harley says it is a good idea whether in Plan A or Plan B.<P>Take care. Hope this helps.

Along Sidney's line, I light scented candles almost every evening. And look for them on sale everywhere. It is hard to enjoy things. I'm a writer (don't judge me from my posts! ) and have only written one short story in the last year and a half. I had an agent wanting to see one of my manuscripts (the big chance I've been waiting for) and I can't do the re-write because I was making all the male characters so selfish & mean!<P>I just went off Paxil, was only on since Aug. I took a low dosage, 10 mg, I couldn't handle the full dosage of 20. It was great for my anxiety & panic feelings--all my emotions seemed to even out, even the good ones. Now I've been off 2 weeks and I notice bigger swings and I'm crying more, so I've just started St. Johns again. I have a prescription for Zoloft, but I feel relunctant about beginning it. Paxil isn't provided by my military dispenser.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

Lu,<P>I think that my strenth came with time. I had to go through the same process that I went through when I lost my parents. I denied for awhile, felt very very angry for awhile, felt guilty for a while and then I accepted. It helped me alot to work through all the issues in my life that had created this huge lump of anger in my chest. I had lost my fun years by becoming a mother too soon. I had lost my chance to sexually expand myself because I married so young. I was just so angry. Angry at god for taking my parents so young. I am not sure how my H lived with me in this state. With the help of the medication (Remron 3 nightly) and 1 wellbutrin every morning, I was able to get mad in a controlled way in counseling, grieve my losses and move on. I too could not stand the thought of living with someone who didn't "love" me. I too took baby steps and started doing things I had never done before. I started a martial arts class. I volunteered at the local nursing home and met some wonderful people. I invited other women in the process of a divorce to join me for dinner and conversation. I trusted enough to let others into my life both men and women and found a great network of supporters who could cheer me on. I embraced my motherhood and started to focus on the mistakes I was making as a mother and have learned new ways to talk to my children (18 and 9) that modeled healthy relationships not rage and chaos. I let my children see my pain, but I didn't wallow in it. I showed them that life does send you curves, but you have to adjust your life when they come along. I have shown them that I am "happy" on my own. <P>I think that if I would have had the chance I could have really turned my marriage around. I have let go of much of the resentment that I had towards my H. It was his choice to not try and I accept that. Sure I have regrets, but you can't force another to commit to something they really don't want. I have seen many people get their marriage back on track. Dr. Harleys principals do work. Lu, if you think you can love unconditionally for awhile and work on those lovebusters then you may make it. If you are waiting for your h to make the first move, it may never happen. Soften your heart and remember why you married in the first place. Good Luck and hopefully I have helped you. Gerri<P>

Hi Limerick(Gerri)<P> Thank you so much for responding....it's been a tough road(as you know) and I will take your advice . You have really helped me gain some perspective...some days my H wants to be here but others, well, it's extremely difficult. You have helped me to see that no matter what happens I have to be the one to let go of the anger and go on with life (with or without him).....Thanks again, Lu

Same here, I used to love my home, decorating for holidays, cooking, etc. Even my beloved pets aren't bringing me much joy. It all seems pointless and a chore to do even minimal work around here. I dread the coming holidays....a family time that used to be so wonderful. <BR><BR>So I try to do little things for ME, I light my candles at night, I take a bath with lavender oil, anything to make me feel better. I have a standing Friday nite date with girlfirends. But life still feels empty, and then I drink too much and get in trouble. I am going to try to work harder with my counselor, so I can get on with life in a healthier way.

We must corner the market on scented candles and bath oils... I do the same, but the joy and/or relaxation that used to come are noplace to be found.<P>I'm also dreading the holidays. My H did not move out, but what's the difference if he doesn't want to be here and is only here out of duty and/or finances?? <P>I have been in SO much physical pain and emotional distress... and I guess I kinda hoped that my H would just take care of me and I could stop crying and hurting. Nope. Expectations. They'll kill ya. <P>So, even though "this" time was my doing in my marriage, I understand where you're coming from. Honest! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>