Owen, another suggestion that I can make from personal experience: Dr. Harley often recommends that someone with a marriage crisis try antidepressant medication. You can go to your regular medical doctor and tell him you are having trouble and ask him to prescribe short term antidepressants. Dr. Harley often suggests wellbutrin as it seems to have minimal side effects.

What antidepressants can do for you is keep you focused on solutions to your problem (i.e., continuing to look for ways to make love bank deposits) instead of getting mired down in feeling hopeless like there is no solution (i.e., "What can I do?") I decided last December I was at that point myself and went on ADs for a few months, and I can tell you that in retrospect it was the right thing to do!

Do you have the book Love Busters? It is crucial that you never fight with your wife again. Ever. For any reason - even if she is demanding, disrespectful, or angry toward you.

Fighting is like unleashing a nuclear bomb on the situation. I guarantee you your marriage will not be helped by dropping a nuclear bomb on it!

It is crucial to become an expert in avoiding demands, disrespect, and anger and at discussing and negotiating problems with your wife. As she opens back up to you she will probably test you and will at times tell you things you do not want to hear and may at times become demanding, disrespectful (critical), or angry toward you. If you can weather that storm, you stand a good chance of saving your marriage.

If you look at Dr. Harley's four pages about the three states of mind in marriage (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html) you'll see that at one end is Withdrawal (where your wife is now), at the other end is Intimacy (where you want you and your wife to be), and in the middle is Conflict! In a good marriage couples handle conflict without any demands, disrespect, or anger - they keep things pleasant and safe and select a solution to each conflict that both husband and wife are enthusiastic about. But your wife will probably not be motivated to learn how to do that on her end for quite some time.

Have you checked to see if your wife could be having an affair?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

Yes I have check everything, she is not having an affair. I just simply emptied my account with her

Well, we took the kids for a long walk tonight, I offered she would like to come and she said yes. As I was trying to make small talk asking about her day she dropped the bomb on me. She told me that she filed a motion with the courts to have the divorce pushed forward. The reason she said is cause I have been drinking and she felt unsafe! Completely shock I was calm and questioned how she could possibly feel unsafe when I have been doing nothing but providing love and affection to her. She told me I was just putting on a show...really!!! I have not drink around my kids since I received the divorce papers. I simply wait to they go to bed or I leave and go to my family's house and stay there. I'm sorry if me having a drink to cope with loosing my wife is a crime. She has been taking medication and other iilegal drugs for her so called coping.

I did remain calm and told her I was only drinking to cope and help fall asleep. I have not been eating or sleeping at all. My life has completely turned upside. She ask me how I could ever say mean things to her and I simply stated that we both neglected our emotional needs. I told her I will not drink if it really bothers you. She said she does not care what I do but turns around and is now using that against. Last night I made the family dinner and left for the evening after the kids were settled. The kids nor my wife were around me at all. I'm so devasted by her actions I'm shock that she could even make something like this up. Unsafe? I have never put her or my children in any harm whatsoever!

She is now sleeping in the other room, I swear she is off mentally this does not seem like her normal behavior. Why would you state in the divorce papers that everything will be 50/50 then all of the sudden drop this bomb on me.

She is trying to move closer to her family 55 miles away and tells me she just wants peace. Peace? we have had our fights and difference several times but for the most part things have been good! I'm an excellent father and she has admitted that. I'm so hurt by these actions, so hurt that she is not laying down next to me.

How can I ever be the father my kids need me to be if she tells these fabricated stories to a judge? How can she act so evil! Knowing that those children mean the world to me. How can I even try to show affection towards her for how she is treating me. Then the very next sentence out of her mouth was she is going to be stuck around here with these kids and not be able to be around her family.

Sorry to vent just hurt and shocked that someone I love could pull stuff out of her butt just to try and hurt me! Where would you guys go from here?

Do you have a drinking problem? Have you been drunk around her or the kids?

And you have moved out?

I have drank around the kids before and so has my wife. Maybe a few times we both had drank to much around them at our lake house. But they were never in any danger being that my mom does not drink at all and watched the kids while my wife and I stay out. Other than that we're talking about I would have a few beers she would have some wine at a birthday party or a family function. No I don't consider having a drinking problem. These past few weeks I have drink a lot but never around my kids and certainly not around the wife. I always waited for them to be in bed or I just I just left when everyone was settled. I think where this is coming from is when we got into one of our huge fights we both were drinking and that is when I said harsh words. I swear she is trying to make me snap at her or something and I just will not do it.

No I have not moved out, she just chose to sleep in our daughters bed until things are final. My family is also shocked by her actions tonight they know our situation because we are all so close and can not believe she said what she said tonight.

ok thanks for answering. I would stop drinking ALTOGETHER and make sure you are recording your conversations when you are with her. You can either do this via your cell phone or pick up a little VAR at Walmart. you need to make sure oyu are doing nothing to scare her and you also need to make sure she does not get you thrown out of your home. All she has to say to a policeman is "I feel unsafe" and you are gone!

You have enough trouble without adding drinking to the problem pile. You need all your wits about you.

You say you've been drinking a lot, but not around your wife. Then you say that when you had a big fight that you both were drinking. This does not add up.

Drinking and fighting do not mix. I am not surprised that your wife does not feel safe.

In the past our huge fight stemmed from both of us drinking to much and saying rotten things to each other. These past few weeks I have been drinking a lot but not in the presence or even exposing it to her. She would only smell it on my breath the next morning. That is where she is getting this.

I asked her if it would bother her if I drank in the garage when she first served me and she said she did not care what I did. Now I'm not drinking everyday all day. Sat and Sunday were it. Not during the week cause their is to much going on with kids and also work.

I asked her if was bothering her again tonight and she stated no. I will now however just find another means of coping so she can not use this against me. If she would just express to me want she wants things could be a lot easier and a lot different.

She did express what she wants -- she told you that you have been drinking and she feels unsafe. Your posts on the subject have been concentrating on minimizing her feelings and defending your drinking.

If you ever had a drink and fought even once, that is enough for her not to feel safe. Don't minimize it -- doing so is disrespectful.

Stop drinking.

Owen, from what you've said, nothing needs to change about the plan we laid out above, except the addition that you need to stop the drinking. If she's not enthusiastic about it, you don't do it. If you see that it leads to problems, you don't do it. Drinking pretty clearly falls in both of those categories.

Is drinking something that you can stop, cold turkey?

I'm unclear on what story she is fabricating. It's true that you drank; it's true she felt bad about it. What's fabricated there? Did I miss something?

It's disrespectful (a love bank withdrawal) to say that her feelings are "fabricated." This kind of response will keep her from revealing her true feelings to you and leave you constantly wondering why she doesn't just tell you what you need to change.

Please see your doctor about prescribing antidepressants.

My wife felt "unsafe" for years in our marriage. The reason was because sometimes I was demanding, disrespectful, or angry. And sometimes I did things she was not enthusiastic about. Each time these things happened, it brought back all the resentment of the times it had happened before, and added to it. So even a tiny little thing would bring back all of that pain.

Today my wife mostly feels safe, because I quit doing and saying things that she felt were demanding, disrespectful, or angry, and I quit doing things she was not enthusiastic about. Occasionally something may arise that makes her feel unsafe for awhile - I address this by sticking to the plan of never doing or saying anything demanding, disrespect, or angry and never doing anything she is not enthusiastic about and we are usually able to resolve the situation with communication and change on my part.

Thanks Marcos, yes I can quit drinking cold turkey, I have and was only use it to escape the situation. After thinking about it overnight I realize why my wife would think that way. Most of the worse fights we have ever been into has been from us getting into an argument when we both have been drinking. I will not drink anymore I don't need it to cope or escape the emotional neglect I felt during this marriage.

I want to stick with the plan but how? She filed a motion to push the divorce forward, she opened a new checking account and is in the process of switching our phone plan. She has not made one effort this past week to show any signs of hope. I act sincere took accountability for the horrible things I said, providing a clean and safe environment for her and my kids. She tells me I just putting on show and it is all fake. It is not fake I do lover her and I'm truly sorry I called her harsh words and had angry outbursts. She asked why I did the things that I did and I told her I felt depressed and not loved but my actions were still uncalled for because I could not handle conflict properly. And as she always have and still does laughs in my face about it. I'm so confused by this all, blaming me for every little thing that has happened. She is taking no accountability for her own actions and how they made me feel. I see no hope!

She doesn't have to show signs of hope for you to do the things we described above. Nothing she is saying or doing prevents you from following the plan.

I'm going to repeat this. Sounds like she's actually in conflict at the moment rather than intimacy - that's good! She will come out fighting, most likely!

Regarding escape - Dr. Harley's position is that all men need some escape, and that the escape should be done with your wife. I know she's not enthusiastic about that right now, but that's the ultimate goal to be moving toward.

That's why you should keep trying to plan enjoyable things for the two of you to do together, alone.

Do you?