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Insofar is them condoning it, I'm not surprised in the least but I foolishly thought my H was above it. Yes I'm an idiot. Don't feel like an idiot. No one expects their spouse to have an affair. And those that do have affairs never thought they would have an affair. Dr. Harley says we are all wired to have an affair under the right conditions. I always say I'll never cheat on my wife. And to ensure this, I make sure I'm never in a situation that would allow the opportunity to occur. Just like I say I'll never fall into the Grand Canyon, well, I don't go stand at the very edge of it and lean forward to temp the situation. Now is the time to affair proof the marriage for future times. Thank you for this.
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THH, the problem with his quasi "confession" is that he didn't really tell you the truth. He told you half truths to assuage his conscience, is a more likely scenario. When a WS won't give the name, it usually means he is keeping that option open. I would schedule a polygraph and insist he give you the full truth before the test. You might get more information that way. Either way, you have to know who she is. You can't keep the fox out of the henhouse if you can't identify the fox.
Frankly, I would have got her name and more information before you exposed, but it is too late now. I agree I should have waited. I pulled the trigger too soon. I'm going to demand a polygraph. I pray his confession was honest. I can see how one could forget the name of a drunken one night stand, but I won't believe it until he takes the polygraph. Funny though that when he said he didn't remember her name, I believed him and realise now that I shouldn't have. Even in the face of evidence that he can't be trusted I still wanted to believe him.
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You are not being vindictive by exposing. That is just typical WAYWARD speech. My husband said the same thing to me when I exposed his OW name.
It's just their screwed up way of trying to get you distracted, and themselves out of the hot seat.
Don't respond in anger to his ridiculous rants.
Have you spoken to any of his traveling companions on this infamous trip ? Is there no one who has the decency to give you more information ?
And get tested for STDs. If your husband can't remember the OW name, then he probably doesn't remember if he used a condom or not. (or he is conveniently using the "I was drunk and don't remember" to avoid telling you the truth.
Sorry you are in this situation. Stay strong.
me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
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You are not being vindictive by exposing. That is just typical WAYWARD speech. My husband said the same thing to me when I exposed his OW name.
It's just their screwed up way of trying to get you distracted, and themselves out of the hot seat.
Don't respond in anger to his ridiculous rants.
Have you spoken to any of his traveling companions on this infamous trip ? Is there no one who has the decency to give you more information ?
And get tested for STDs. If your husband can't remember the OW name, then he probably doesn't remember if he used a condom or not. (or he is conveniently using the "I was drunk and don't remember" to avoid telling you the truth.
Sorry you are in this situation. Stay strong. Not yet. I'm pretty sure they'd just lie for him anyway, but it's worth a shot! He ranted on and on and on about how vindictive I am yet still texted me that he's on his way home with pizza.
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I can see how one could forget the name of a drunken one night stand, but I won't believe it until he takes the polygraph. Funny though that when he said he didn't remember her name, I believed him and realise now that I shouldn't have. Even in the face of evidence that he can't be trusted I still wanted to believe him. If the story is true, he needs to find the name. But you won't know if the story is true unless he passes a polygraph.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I can see how one could forget the name of a drunken one night stand, but I won't believe it until he takes the polygraph. Funny though that when he said he didn't remember her name, I believed him and realise now that I shouldn't have. Even in the face of evidence that he can't be trusted I still wanted to believe him. If the story is true, he needs to find the name. But you won't know if the story is true unless he passes a polygraph. Are there specific questions the polygrapher will ask or do I need to draft the questions myself?
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THH,
One approach is for you to write down a number of questions, was she blond or brunette, did you have inter.., do you know her name, who else did you tell, are their other times you have cheated, etc etc. He then answers them for you before you see the polygrapher.
The polygrapher asks your WH did he answer all your questions truthfully along with some control questions, and perhaps is there anything else you are not truthful about.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 09/24/13 01:17 PM.
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Thank you so much, Gamma. God bless you, too.
H is home. Gonna go talk and demand to see his cell phone and that he take a polygraph asap.
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I can see how one could forget the name of a drunken one night stand, but I won't believe it until he takes the polygraph. Funny though that when he said he didn't remember her name, I believed him and realise now that I shouldn't have. Even in the face of evidence that he can't be trusted I still wanted to believe him. If the story is true, he needs to find the name. But you won't know if the story is true unless he passes a polygraph. Are there specific questions the polygrapher will ask or do I need to draft the questions myself? I would hand your husband a list of as many questions as you have a couple of days before the test. Give him a chance to answer them BEFORE the test. Then you will work out the actual questions with the tester. Make sure that one of your questions is: "have you had any other affairs since we have been married." Add that question to your pre-test list too.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Here are example questions. Polygraph Testing
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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H has agreed to the polygraph. I'm so tired and talked and cried out.
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Okay the general recommendation is that only you communicate with the polygraph examiner.
You can ask 4 questions.
Do not tell your husband these questions you will ask.
Write a list of ALL your questions. Ask him to answer them in writing and explain that they will be asked during the polygraph
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I'll be drafting the questions today. May sound strange but posting here has made me feel a little bit better.
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It's because the nice folks here at MB can show you a plan. Of recovery, of attack on the affair, and so forth.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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