I have been reading for awhile here, and though I consider myself very blessed maritally in many ways, we are in a challenging situation, and I am wondering if I can be doing more.

My husband has been unemployed for several months. He was very good at his job and got good reviews, but when the budget crunches came, since his department was the smallest, his position got cut. It kind of boiled down to the fact that they could cut the department and "farm out" what some of he was doing and then hire someone else part time cheaper.

This is not the first time he has lost a job, but it is the first time he has not been able to just bounce back and get a new one pretty quickly. We have radically downsized some things, altered our living situation, and he is pretty down. He has had a fewinterviews that he thought went great and from what he told me they sounded good, but he just hasn't gotten the offer. I think he is over-degreed, and in this economy if they can get someone with a lesser degree to pay less they will.

I admit it stresses me too, but I want to be supportive and still fill his need for admiration. The problem is that he doesn't seem to believe anymore that he has a lot of admirable qualities. He is a man, and providing for families is part of how lots of men define themselves. I keep telling him he is doing all the right things, reminding him of his talents, and trying to be a cheerleader. But he is at the point where he is kind of overwhelmed with gloom about it.

He just started training for something that is not anything like what he went to school for, but it is a job. He seems to be in good spirits about it, but he is also nervous because for his personality (he is very reserved) it is going to really stretch him. Plus he will have NO flexibility in this job which will be new for him.

I am working not to get frustrated when I feel I have to convince him he is really a top notch man, but I am at a loss when he seems so defeated. To make things worse the business I have been puttering with seems to be starting to grow. He is glad for me and wants me to succeed but I know he also feels bad and then feels selfish for feeling that way.

Any good MB tips?

A big problem that is likely to be plaguing your husband will be depression. Once he gets into the job he should see if he enjoys it - if not, the two of you should probably begin brainstorming a new career for him. You may need to move and start a new life in a new city in order to build a life that is enjoyable for both of you, with a career that is enjoyable to him.

My biggest tip is to make sure you have a happy romantic life as Dr. Harley describes - lots of time spent alone together each week (no children, blackberries, smartphones, televisions) meeting each other's intimate emotional needs.

Don't treat your husband like a fragile creature who needs you to "build him up" verbally in order to survive. But DO provide admiration and encouragement for him. Treat the job situation as a problem for the two of you to solve together - follow Dr. Harley's four guidelines for successful negotiation, exploring each other's viewpoints as to what career would make each of you happy (you don't want him to pick a career that will make you unhappy), and brainstorming lots of potential solutions to try.

If your husband becomes depressed (job situations can be very depressing for a man, according to Dr. Harley, as opposed to women whose main cause of depression is an unsatisfying relationship with their husband or boyfriend) Dr. Harley would probably recommend that he see a doctor to prescribe short term antidepressants - these will help to take away the feeling that there is "no solution" to the problem and help him feel willing to look for and try solutions.

In addition to his experience as a marriage counselor, Dr. Harley used to operate a large chain of mental health clinics and provided help for a lot of different issues, including depression, mental illness, and vocational counseling. So my best advice is probably to write Dr. Harley directly and see what he would recommend: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Thanks for the post. I am trying to make sure I do not treat him like he is fragile, but I can see that the "nurtury woman" tnedency could make him feel that way if I do not watch it. We are lucky because our kids' ages make it very easy to spend good alone time together.

I have wondered about AD's for him short term, and I think I might write Dr. Harley. I feel a little bad doing that because we aren't in some kind of "crisis," but I guess it is better to stay 100 on top of everything when it is good than to wait until it IS a crisis.

moz I wrote Dr. Harley not long ago for a subject that was a problem but not a "crisis" for our marriage. It's a good idea - he is a great help, and gives good advice.

You said on another post that you're familiar with MB.

Have you ever done MB coaching or the online program?

Have there been any affairs from either you or your DH?

What books have read?

Did you email Dr. Harley yet?

You said on another post that you're familiar with MB.

Have you ever done MB coaching or the online program?

I have not done the online coaching program

Have there been any affairs from either you or your DH?

No affairs for either of us, though we did have an aol spam generated misunderstanding in our marriage a couple of years in that my husband (who I thought was guilty of porn usage) handled brilliantly by being transparent and going the extra mile

What books have read?
A great friend gave us HNHN for a wedding gift. It has been read several times in various printings. We have Fall in Love Stay in Love, Surviving an Affair (which I bought for a cousin but still read). we have done a lot of the forms over the years. I have not made it through Lovebusters just yet, but we are about to start doing Five Steps to Romantic Love since his unemployment gives us some additional time.

Did you email Dr. Harley yet?
I drafted an email this afternoon and gave it to my husband to read through. We discussed it during our earlier UA time and he would like to add some things and make it from both of us. I am VERY enthusiastic about that

How long have ya'll been married? Do you have any kids?

Oh, sorry. I got interrupted with a homework question from one of my sons. Why he asked ME about trigonometry is beyond me....

We have been married for 18 years and we have 2 teenage boys. Teenage boys make it easy to have UA time by the way.

Will your DH come here and post?

Can you two do the online or MB coaching?

Did you send the email to Dr. H?

Because of his unemployment we cannot do coaching at this time. I can ask him about posting, though this isn;t so much a problem between us as it is me just wantong to know how to most effectively support him. He has not added his changes yet but when he does I will send it.

I may have used the forum incorrectly. I did not realize I needed to subscribe to or sign up for a program before posting.

Who said that? I simply asked if you could.

Thank you for the clarification.

I admit I feel a bit anxious for him and sometimes I am a "start acting now" person I was hoping to get some practical ideas while waiting to hear from Dr. Harley. But rereading markos' post I see some things I can begin doing and thinking about today/now.

What are your DH's top 5 ENs?

How much UA time are you getting?

The forum usage is free with no strings attached, so you didn't make a mistake.

The home study course or the coaching programs are available for a reasonable fee versus marital problems.

The e-mails to Dr. Harley is free.

Listening to the daily MB Radio segments are free. I think there is a fee to subscribe to the archived shows, but others usually post links to particularly helpful segments if needed.

Writing in to be a caller on the MB Radio program is free.

All the articles and questionnaires on this site are available to download for free.

The 18-19 books Dr. Harley has published are available to purchase here, at your bookstore, on Amazon.com or digitally via Kindle, or you can get them free from your local library.

LTL

I'm confused mozilla.

You said there weren't any affairs on either side, but in another thread you wrote this.

Bakc in the "dark ages" when we first had internet (aol dial up) my husband clicked on a few spam ads and looked at some pornography. He had one online chat with someone and they called our house. That was when it all came out. We changed our number, he put a net nanny on the computer and moved it to the den and he showed me how to check history and things. He answered all my questions and we talked to our pastor who kept him accountable and met with him for a bit.

I go back and forth as to whether it actually qualified as an A though it was definitely a betrayal. We did not have cell phones then and actually ended up moving about a year after that and did without internet for awhile. Supposedly the person who called was from halfway across the country and their area code confirmed that.

I do not mind investing in the course once our income gets stable. Neither does he. And I do listen to the radio program from time to time when I am not working.

As far as UA time, we always eat lunch together at home at the table for at least an hour. My kids go to an early school program so after I get home from taking them to school I usually crawl back in bed and we talk and stuff for an hourish before he gets up to shower (now that he is doing this new job training - before that it was a little longer). The kids go to their rooms to do homework by 7:00, so between 7 and 10 we always carve out at least an hour to either talk or go through our in home Bible study group stuff together or just watch TV snuggling and doing more talking than watching. On the weekends we take walks and try to go out on "coke and shared fry" dates. When it is added all together it comes to easily 15 hours a week and closer to 20. We also talk via phone or text during the day and sometimes leave affectionate posts or song links for each other on facebook, which is NOT UA time but keeps us kind of connectied in that "sparky" way.

I do have a relative who had an affair a few years ago which is why I got Surviving An Affair. Thankfully they recovered and seem to be doing well.

Being new, even though I have read some, I am still learning the ins and outs. For example, on another thread I unwittingly made a comment about POJA concerning someone's affair recovery that I did not realize was contrary to Dr. Harley's updated advice. I am trying to update my understanding of things.

What are your DH's top 5 ENs?

I realized I left this out. His top needs can change "order" but they are typically this way:

Domestic Support
Admiration
Honesty and Openness
Conversation
Family Commitment

Doesn't he put SF high on his list? Dr H has found that most men list it as 1 or 2.

My husband has a chronic physical condition as well as low testosterone, which he can't really treat because the hormones can exacerbate the other condition. So he doesn't have much drive/desire but he does like affection.

I'm sorry to hear about his condition.

What about recreational companionship? That's the other need that most men rate highly.