I am so hurt! There are many things wrong with my marriage and I've come to the realization that I falsely had expectations that certain aspects were improving. I apologize for the length, but I don't want to leave anything out to ensure that I provide the entire story in order to obtain advice here.

My husband had lost his job months ago (downsizing of administration). During that time very few people he had worked with contacted him. Out of the blue, two, younger, single, attractive women asked him to join them for lunch. These women were subordinates who could not assist him in any way in getting a new position. At the time, we did not have the funds to waste on meals out with friends. And he knew I was not pleased with the idea of him going out with these women. He told me I was overreacting and was jealous of absolutely nothing. He told me he was going & invited me to join them. I chose not to go. My rationale was that we couldn't afford to spend the money on one meal, let alone two and I was not interested in meeting either of these women. I was smart enough to know that they were both seeking to stay connected to my husband so that if they were ever looking for a job they could reach out to him. I also knew that my husband wanted them to be fawning all over him and I wasn't interested in hearing the two of them tell me how wonderful my husband is.

Subsequent to their having their lunch together my husband & I had many lengthy conversations on issues which had been troubling each of us. One of these issues was my telling him that I was very hurt by him never making any sexual advances after I had plastic surgery (a few years ago I had lost 100 lbs & I recently had a tummy tuck & arm lift). I explained that I couldn't understand why if I looked better now then when he married me he would not want to be with me. Why would he still prefer porn and fantasies of other women to me? He had become well aware of my insecurities after our discussions and I believed he understood how his actions or lack thereof made me feel.

A few weeks after they had their lunch my husband admitted to me that he went because it stroked his ego and he enjoyed their attention. He also confirmed to me that he realized they were seeking to stay connected for their professional futures. I was so angry and he was shocked that I felt this way! I had been right all along when I felt was being gaslighted about my overreacting and jealousy.

After many lengthy discussions he agreed to never have any contact with either of these women again. Yesterday he told me he was going to contact a select few people he used to work with to inform them he had gotten a new job as they would hear it through the grapevine and a few of them had provided him with a reference. He mentioned a few names which all made perfect sense to me. A little birdie told me to check his sent emails and low and behold I saw that he sent emails to both of those women he promised to never contact again. We were watching tv at the time. I called him a, "liar" and told him what I discovered.
(The following communications were via text message as he left the room)
He told me I was overreacting, he can't deal with me anymore and I ruined the night.
I told him that he had ruined it hours ago by choosing to break his promise to me and then by his lie of omission when he neglected to mention them when he rattled off the list of emails he sent. I told him he should take responsibility for his actions. He said it was, "a white lie." And that he, "detested my constant mistrust."
I explained that it was a lie and he had given me reason to mistrust him.
He tried to justify his email by saying I should read it and I'd see, "it was informational that's all." He then added, "Take your jealousy and shove it."
I told him that lying is wrong & the content wasn't relevant.
He told me that if I read it I would see how outrageous my actions are.
I told him that the fact that he's going behind my back and contacting single, younger women who we've spoken about at length says he has no respect for me. He told me I'm off base again as those women have no sexual interest in him and he's never been unfaithful.
I told him that he had fantasies and that is more relevant.
He told me that I was hurting myself. He told me that he's never checked any of my accounts (email, Facebook).
I told him to go ahead & to be prepared to be bored.
He responded that he's not interested in my accts.
I told him he's not interested because he knows he won't find anything. I told him that I was no longer going to allow him to hurt me.
He told me I decided to be an overbearing, mistrusting person. He wrote, "I wish I cheated so all this crap from you would have substance. I feel no guilt for an informational email. Enjoy your feelings. Hope they comfort you."
I responded, "Good to know that you are not a man of your word & you have no regret for going back on it and no regret for lying. As I wrote earlier, I take no pleasure in knowing that you have lied to me."
He responded that I do because I feel I have the upper hand.
I told him I had nothing but the truth. I told him that an "informational email" to these women must be as good them stroking his ___.
He responded, "This time not at all. I am long over that."
I told him that wasn't true because as subordinates there was no reason to contact them, he had already acknowledged they were only seeking to advance their own careers & he was smitten by their attention. I told him the only thing they offered him now was female attention and they're still the two women he promised me he'd never communicate with again.
He responded, "You seem to have forgotten that I asked you to dinner tonight and put on nice clothes to take you out. I guess that counts for [censored]. Don't worry I won't ask you to go anywhere with me again."
His reference to getting dressed up was because when he went out with them he got dressed up & he had always taken me out in everyday attire. After that lunch I made a point of bringing that to his attention.
I responded to his changing the subject with, "Whoopie doo!" He responded, "Live in your world of hate and mistrust. I will go to my grave with a clear conscience."

He throws around the word "hate" a great deal when we're arguing . That's a word I never use. I do not hate him; I am very hurt and angry. I'd like to know if other people see this situation the way I see it. What suggestions do you have for me?

You know that anger makes you insane. Much of the text above is the result of two insane people yelling at each other. You both need to step back and collect your wits. The solutions to these problems are found with intellect, not instinct.

Your husband is at risk for an affair. He knows that. He is relying on his belief that he is strong enough to test his own boundaries. That is a recipe for disaster.

A calm discussion is needed. It takes two to fight, so don't go there. Never again have a texting exchange like this. Talk about things of importance face to face and with mutual respect, in a manner that is safe and pleasant.

Start here: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Also you should have gone out with him on that lunch date...he needs to protect his boundaries but you sure can help him!
I am sure that he thinks that if he is going in a group there is no harm done...but you and I know that he is getting emotional needs (admiration, conversation) met by other people. By not going, you are implying "I trust you" but you really don't.

mrEureka is very right! These kinds of back and forth discussions are murder on a marriage.

Get the book Love Busters by Dr. Willard Harley and learn what you can do to stop fighting.

I can understand why you were upset at finding out that he had lied to you about emailing these women. And his reaction is very typical for a person a person who has a SSL (secret second life)....to express shock that you don't trust them, even after being caught in a lie.

I understand your emotional reaction, I really do!

But please understand this: You will not be able to solve the issue with AO's and DJ's.

I spoke to Dr Harley on the radio show about this exact issue (spouse having a secret second life) and he basically gave me the same advice that is in one of his honesty aritcles:

Honesty Part 1

In the meantime, I would QUIETLY slap a keylogger on his computer.

If you can confirm that there is nothing more going on with these women, that will help you feel better.

And if he is going to continue to be dishonest about his contact about them, well, you would need to know that as well.

Have there been any affairs or other inappropriate relationships for either of you during this M?

well you got in some pretty good licks. As did he

Meanwhile you're both starving for affection and admiration.

You're going to need to stop doing stuff to hurt each other, and start working at meeting each others emotional needs.

Fighting won't get you any of that! even when you are right.

This program is a good place to learn to stop the love busters and start to meet those needs.

And won't you feel better when you are having those needs met?

You can get the affection and honesty you are longing for. And you can be your husbands source of the admiration he needs.

mrEureka, I do not disagree with you. I recognize my AO's. I went so far as to tell him so. There is a reason why I have chosen to text and/or email him. He never allows me to complete my thoughts; he is always interrupting me. He does it all the time when I'm trying to express something of extreme importance and he interrupts me that just leads to another argument. He also has a habit of telling me that I've never told him something. By my putting something in writing the two of us have a reference point. I know that sounds crazy.

Today I tried to explain to him that his behavior was a huge LB for me and I methodically delineated my reasons. I reminded him that Honesty was my #3 LB and discussed Dr. Harley's Policy of Radical Honesty.

He still does not think he's done anything wrong. He's told me that he didn't have contact with those women for six weeks . He told me he did it to find out what was going on at his old job and not for sexual fantasy or gratification. I've explained to him that isn't true as he also reached out two men as well and he had told me what one of the men wrote him.

I know it takes two to fight & so I try to choose my words carefully to express my pain. The problem is he doesn't feel he's done anything wrong and I'm behaving like a child.

I do believe that if presented with the opportunity to have an affair he would do it. My husband tells me lacks confidence & he'll never be with another woman, but I am not naive and I know that under the "right" circumstances he might meet a woman and engage in an affair.

MelodyLane, thank you but my husband has no interest in establishing a plan. He did one LB lesson with me and quit. I wish he valued our marriage enough to want to put the effort in.

In this latest incident he feels he's done nothing wrong and I'm overreacting in my usual manner. He feels there was no sexting, cheating or adultery, and those are marriage busters and this is kid's stuff. He said, he can understand my issues and can accept why I'm upset but he feels it was a minor issue and it shouldn't have resulted in my extreme response. He then went on to apologize for hurting me & told me me he didn't expect to be forgiven.

I recognize that type of apology. It's your the problem and I have to apologize. It's worthless. Apparently in his eyes an extreme response is pain, hurt and disappointment which unfortunately is expressed initially as an AO.

wannabophim, I see your point but as I said we were having financial issues with him losing his job & I wasn't going to waste our money dining out with those women. I much preferred to spend that money on something else.

I totally agree that he is having his emotional needs met by others. He knows that I don't trust him and he's very angry. He says that he hasn't given me any reason to distrust him. Then tonight he told me that he's not looking to meet any new women or make platonic female friendships but if he does he hopes it won't become a blown up issue like this.

markos, I don't know what else to do than try to explain how he's hurt me. He refuses to do the program. I can't speak to him without him interrupting me and/or telling me that my feeling have no validity.

I've read the book. We bought the Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs courses but he stopped after the first lesson. In the course of our marriage I have always been the one to eventually forget about what was and move forward. I know that he thinks that pattern is simply going to continue, but I can't do it anymore.

SusieQ, It is so infuriating that he's continuing to tell me that I'm overreacting & that if this is the breaking point then so be it. I'm well versed in this tactic of making me feel like I've done something wrong. This isn't going to blow over like other incidents in the past. This time he knew he made a conscience choice that he was willing to hurt me by breaking his promise and he compounded it by lying to me. His failure to accept responsibility for his actions and his repeated insults of me is only making it worse now.

As I've indicated I told him I shouldn't have responded with AO's. You are correct the the DJ doesn't help matters and I've been more cautious to watch my words.

We've known each other for nearly forty years; we went to school together. Throughout most of our marriage we shared everything with each other, however there came a time when I stopped sharing. I did this when my husband began using what I told him to hurt me. Over the last ten years or so he began to manipulate me and it could leave me in a state where I could barely function. He would hurt me when I was at my weakest moments so as to have the greatest impact (i.e. funerals, after my having surgery, etc.). Once I regained my self-respect I vowed to not allow him to have that much control over me again. It was only this past summer when he said he'd do Dr. Harley's Program that I opened up to him and sadly he has once again let me down by reverting to these negative behaviors. Most nights I will not sleep in the bed with him because of how he's been treating me.

I have repeatedly tried to explain why honesty is important to me and each time I've used different terms hoping that he'll understand. In my opinion, he's hung up on not being the one who did anything wrong and his need to put the blame on me for causing a problem when there didn't need to be one. He's often said that I overreact and make too much of things. Of course, I see it as I am expressing how I feel and what I need from him. Like a fool, each time there's an incident such as this I have this fantasy that he'll come home with flowers and tell me he finally understands. I know I'm just setting myself up to disappointed.

We share a computer, but I know he's using his cell phone to send these women emails and texts. I don't feel that either of these women will be interested in pursuing a relationship with him. But the fact that he's had sexual thoughts about these women makes me very uncomfortable. I want him to be honest with me and to be able to trust him.

He has told me that he has never had an affair or any type of inappropriate relationship. There was a period of time prior to his losing his job that I became very suspicious of him. He told he was working late but I couldn't verify that he was actually working. He didn't get paid by the hour and he worked a distance from where we lived so I never drove there to see if I could locate him. When I would ask him who he was texting at night or what he was doing on the computer at night he would give me a flippant response. I remained suspicious. He would clear his browser history and I knew that he was looking at porn sites as that was something he has done for many years. When I confronted him about this summer he was enraged. I literally printed out six months of cell phone bills and did a reverse look up or I blocked my number & called the numbers myself. He told me I was crazy & they were all work related texts and calls. I told him I didn't believe him as some were early in the morning on the weekend or late at night. I couldn't prove anything and he no longer worked at that job.

Seven years ago my husband warned me that an old high school boyfriend (someone he knew) who had begun to email me was going to be interested something like sexting. I told him he was crazy. My main reason for that response was I had no self-confidence at the time; I was overweight and my husband wasn't interested in having sex with me. I was shocked to realize my husband was right. My husband wasn't in the room when this occurred so I quickly ended it & I told my husband he was right. Then to my surprise my husband wanted me to continue but only when he was present. This went on for a while and my husband finally showed interest in me. I liked the attention I was finally receiving after years. When my husband realized that I enjoyed the attention he wanted me to stop & initially I refused. I told him I liked that someone found me attractive. I have apologized to my husband repeatedly for years but he refuses to forgive me. I've told him that forgiving isn't the same as forgetting and I understand he'll never forget, but he refuses. In fact, yesterday he told me that his emailing those women is nothing compared to my sexting. Whenever he's done something wrong he brings this up. As I've told him, I can never get out from under this mistake.

ICanGetBetter, I totally agree with everything you wrote but I cannot get him to work with me. He refuses to do the program and sees me as the problem.

He's been depressed for quite a while, even prior to losing his job. Although he doesn't recognize it as depression. He feels it isn't depression if you don't sit around the house in your pajamas all day. He has been saying that he goes to sleep each night hoping that he won't wake up the next morning. He's told me that he doesn't have suicidal thoughts that he is too much of a coward to harm himself and that he wants G-d to end his suffering for him.

Now that he has a new job it will be impossible for me to get him to do anything. He will need to be "married" to the job to prove himself. This is why I wanted to do the program when he was unemployed. I wanted to improve our marriage and hoped that he would prioritize things differently.

Wow who are these husbands who are never making advances on their wives? I so wish my W would complain about that :-)