Hello all.

Haven't logged in here in about 3 years. Just to give you a quickie intro into the first 7 years of my now 10 year marriage, here goes.

I first logged on to marrigebuilders after having a sexual affair with a woman at my work. I had been married about 7 years at the time, and had 3 young children (2, 2, 6months) with my wife. SAHW consumed by mommy/baby stuff despite 24hr/day nanny help, busy physician husband working long hours at work, comes home to chaos and emotionally drained wife. Month after Month for years. Husband feels lonely, hottie that works at my office makes a pass, and I tear it up. We wind up in an 18 month affair. Affair found out by her husband, he tells my wife what's up. Wife files for divorce on grounds of infidelity and I'm out of the house. Legal moves here and there, a WHOLE lot of talking here on the forum and with the Docs got what seemed impossible to actually get going. 5 months of seperation, she took me back right before our 4th child was born. 3 years have gone by without too much of a hitch by comparison.

So over the years since the affair, I have asked (begged) her to go to marital counseling with me to deal with issues that preceded the affair, occurred during the affair, and have happened since the termination of affair. She has refused at each stage.

Affair ended cleanly, no contact after the day we got caught. over and done. focus on building new relationship with wife if she is interested in doing so. We separated for 5 months, divorce papers filed and signed. Started doing telephone therapy with Dr. Harley. It worked like magic. 5 months later she took me back - right before the birth of our last son.

So now it has been 3 years since our reconciliation. We had a period of warming up (me being nearly asexual doormat), that developed to several events of major relationship chaos over sex.

Since the last three years post-affair, my wife agreed to put sex on a schedule. Saturday night after our date and before the nanny leaves at 9pm. Basically 20 minutes of hurry up. Should I miss that vaginal appointment on Saturday night, there is a less than >5% chance of "make-up" on the other six days. Months go by and I don't complain about my Q saturday night "starfish" sex while she reminds me that the nanny gets off in 10 minutes.

Fast forward 3 years of scheduled mediocre sex.

Finally, last weekend I took one of my little boys fishing out of town. We didn't get back home until Sunday night. I tried to solicit affection with shoulder rubbing and nice talk. Flatly refused, despite having kids in bed by 8:30, nothing else to do, and no early morning for her. GRRRR. OK, solicit again on Tuesday night. Another unabashed total smackdown. She says she's tired. She proceeds to watch TV in the spare bedroom for 2 hours before I sneak up and solicit again - only to be rebuffed twice as hard. "I'm too tired to **EDIT** for 15 minutes, but 2 hours of news is so relaxing!!!"

I told her to cut the crap. I deserve to be treated better than this. I shouldn't have to beg for sex, she shouln't turn me down 1-2 times a week when we only do it 2-3 times per month. We're both good looking people and at least of us (me) sure wants to **EDIT**!

Obvious: the affair probably continues to have some role despite her telling me that she forgives me, it makes it difficult for her to see how much work there remains for her to do to build up a relationship out of the ashes of the prior one.

Fast forward 4 weeks ago. Having a conversation with my wife about possibly purchasing real estate in a vacation city nearby, saying "I think it's a really good idea. Our relationship is doing well and is so stable." Four weeks later, a couple of arguments over me not getting laid, and she lays it on me that she wants a divorce. She wants me our of the house (we have 4 kids under 7 who all adore me), wants me to crash on my grandmother's sofa while I find a reasonable place.

Told her that I am staying in the hime because I love the children and a want to live with them. I offered her 90 days of marriage counseling. We could go and work on our marriage. We could go and she could **EDIT** on me telling how bad she wants a divorce. Or she could not go. Either way, we're going to sit around the dinner table night after night.

She's told me how she feels : she thinks we need to separate, amicably divide property and tell the kids what's up.

I told her how I feel. I'm not leaving the marriage because it could be great if she works at it, and I'm not leaving the marital home because I love my children and I want to live with them. That decision has nothing to do with her

Read: The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

scuba,

The information you need to turn this around is on this site, and has been here all this time. Your marriage never properly recovered from your affair or from the issues that preceded it. After an affair a marriage has to become better than it ever was before, or it typically doesn't work out.

The way you are approaching sex simply doesn't work - your wife needs you to make enough love bank deposits to be in love with you in order to enjoy sex. For a woman sex is very much about enjoying a connection - she can't feel that connection if you aren't making deposits.

Or if you are making withdrawals. For example, many of the things you've written above are demanding or disrespectful. That's why this approach simply doesn't work.

Do you want help saving your marriage? Do you want help transforming this into a great marriage where your needs are met and her needs are met? You see, if you would just utilize this program, you could have that. WE HAVE THAT.

Are you ready to get to work?

It sounds like you have had several fights during the last three years. But for your marriage to be successful, you need to not have ANY fights. Fights will remove any love bank deposits you have made and put you right back to square one. That's why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Arguments are not an effective way to get laid - if you want to get laid in marriage, you need to avoid arguments entirely. It will also help to not be so - colorful (crude?) - in the way you talk about sex.

Lectures about what is fair or what you deserve or whatever are a love bank withdrawal. They make what you are looking for LESS likely.

How many Marriage Builders books do you own? Do you own Love Busters? Because love busters are the major problem I am seeing here. It sounds to me like you spent a lot of time on the phone with Steve Harley (not Dr. Harley, his father) but didn't really get some of the fundamental, important parts of the program - like how to talk about your emotional needs without being demanding, disrespectful, or angry.

Describing the office hottie........well........makes me heck of sad for your wife.

How was your relationship with your wife when you two dated before marriage?

What Just Compensation have you given your BW? How much UA time are you getting?

Will your BW post here?

Here's a radio clip of being deprived of sex.

Radio Clip of Being Deprived of Sex

Here is your old thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=160988&Number=2409393#Post2409393

You need to eliminate all Love Busters and make love bank deposits.
Call and speak with Steve Harley for advise on how to win her back.
You also need to ensure that she is not having an affair