Karma- hopefully not much longer. We may be moving very soon!! Keep your fingers crossed!

What will you do if he does not change even then? Given his track record I am not certain the move will be much better.

Well, there are no guarantees, of course. But Dr Harley advised us that we need to move. We need that fresh start. It is our best chance at recovery as we continue to work on changing our habits to become more integrated.

Yesterday's show was quite a trigger for me. It was so much like the early(?) days of kiss' affair. Hey, Cara, get a polygraph because chances are it is more than an EA!! Chances are the skank's mouth has already been on your WH.

Also had an aha moment when Dr. Harley was talking about Plan B and how it protects you. I now realize that I contributed to that resentment mountain with my breaks in Plan B. They were all very painful at the time and continue to sting now and then even this long after. Had I kept the shield up, I would have been less damaged.

Still waiting to hear if Kiss will get that position he put in for. He says that, regardless, he thinks we should move by November 15. I said "Oh, really? Why that day?". His response"...because its in the middle of November?" No significance to him.

I do not believe that he doesn't remember.

Then it would have made a big deposit for him to say "because 2 years ago, that is the date your nightmare began and now I want to make it the day your dreams came true"

Instead, he just made a big withdrawal.

Interesting. I had a similar experience. At D-Day plus 1 year, Taffy said he had no recollection of the significance of the date, when I suggested I might need extra care at that time. None.

This might be explainable in something S Harley said to me, that men, especially, are good at compartmentalizing. In our case, Taffy has always said he just wants to put that whole horror-show behind us. It is locked away in a Pandora's box.

I think D-Days were a MUCH more traumatic event for me than him. So it would be easier for him to not carry the significance of the day into the future.

Maybe it is the same for Kiss?

I'm sure that it is the same for Kiss. I think it is awful that something that is/was so significant and devastating for a BS is not even something that a WS remembers. Like it doesn't even matter. How lovely it would be, to be able to put it in a Pandora's box and forget it ever happened

I wish Taffy was a more empathetic person than he is. He just isn't. I don't want him to experience the level of pain I have (not REALLY), I just wish he was more sensitive to my feelings at the present.

I read the posts of deeply remorseful fWS's here, and wish Taffy behaved more like them. But he doesn't. Dr. Harley says some WS's never show remorse, and it isn't a necessity for recovery. Sure feels like it at times, though!

Catwhit, that is EXACTLY how I feel as well. I have tried to accept that kiss just isn't wired that way and is not ever going to be like other fWS's here. But we can still wish

RQ:
Yes, we can wish. But not TOO much, as that keeps us from solving the problem. In my case, "just wishing" led to my pre-A coping plan: capitulation and sacrifice. Which, of course, worked not-at-all, for me or Taffy.

My current plan, devised with guidance from Dr. H and an assist from NeverGuessed, is to become better at coaching Taffy to master meeting my EN's.

When I foresee a trigger coming on (D-Day anniversaries, etc.) I let Taffy know I am going to need extra care. No mention of the A, no discussion of triggers, etc. And I tell him exactly what that care should be. eg., "Thursday night, I may need extra care. I'd love it if we could schedule a long walk, then you gave me a romantic massage."

For unforeseen triggers (like yesterday's radio show), "Hon, I could use some extra care. How would you feel about making my favourite dinner for me tonight?"

I avoid referring to triggering at all. Taffy just knows I would benefit from extra care right then, but not necessarily why. Really, the healing thing for me is to FEEL his care. And since I am the one who has to feel it, I am the one to let him know what would work best for me.

When I do this correctly, Taffy is more than willing and eager to do these things for me. Which, for me, is what I truly want... not for Taffy to feel my pain, or even heavy remorse.

My D-Day 2 year was on the 11th of this month.

In keeping with the idea to not talk about the affair, I never brought it up. Not approaching the day, not on the day, not after. I didn't even mention it here until now. My W never said a word about it either. But she knew. She did a couple of special things for me that day that were out of the ordinary.

Neither of us said a word about it though.

RQ
We sometimes miss the good things from concentrating on the bad. When I read your post I saw "we still need to move." There are three things I have learned that help me to do that.

1."Bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5

2. Found out here about emotional memory.

3. Dr. Harley says that WS's act as if the BS does not even exist.

Once I was able to wrap my head around the last the other two were easier to understand. I stopped the constant questioning in my head how could FWW do this or that to me... She never even thought of me!

You have gotten some good advice already tell Kiss you need him to be extra caring today or something to that effect.

Two plus years out if I see a picture I do a mental check to see if it was taken in the A time window. I don't do this intentionally but that is where my #1 and #2 kick in.

I got some advice here around my 1st D-day antiversary to take the day back so we did. We go out it takes our minds away from the sadness and redirects it to the happiness we have now.

Another thing I heard Dr. Harley say that stuck with me is BS's don't have to remind a FWS that they hurt them, if they are FWS they know it.

Start getting excited about November, make plans! Still cheering for you friend!

Thanks guys, I'm usually pretty good at brushing off triggers. I don't mention when I have one and if I do, I just say I'm having a bad day or moment, etc. But I will take catwhits advice and ask for kiss' patience if I do have one.

I'm hoping November 15 will be just an ordinary day or a fantastic one!

RQ;

You are sounding so strong!

Which would you prefer, an ordinary day or a fantastic one? What would each of these look like to you? What can you do to create that, and how can kiss help you achieve that?

You can be partners in taking back the day...

Thanks catwhit, I think I would be fooling myself that I (my mind) will allow it to be an ordinary day so I think a fantastic distraction would be better

A weekend out of town would be a great idea. We haven't done that in a long time.

Part of the fun is in the planning. What would make you feel like a star?

Just wanted to chime in that the show was a trigger for me too... We've been listening to the show every day - either at night or the next morning, so LH knew it was a trigger...

I love the idea of going out of town or doing something special to reclaim the day - or sounds like you may be LIVING in another town - hopefully!

Strongerme, if Kiss actually listened to the show, then he would have been better able to handle my mood that day...maybe

I just sent him a text "you should see if you can take off 11/15-11/17"

and his response was "For?"

perhaps I was too vague?

See, now, I don't believe he is deliberately trying to cause you pain. He is just oblivious. Not all guys are Alan Alda...And some are really good at not being sensitive. Maybe kiss is one of those.

I used to pout whenever Taffy forgot my birthday or our anniversary. I thought, if he really cared of COURSE he would remember. Then I learned that if I am going to be the one who is upset, it is my responsibility to stack the deck in "OUR" favour. Not to say I just "do it myself", as that is the road to independent behaviour. But I work WITH him so that I have a good time.. And it turns out, he really DOES want me to be happy, have what I want, etc. Just never would have thought how to do it. (Ever seen those poor guys on Christmas eve, desperately trying to buy something for their wives? Usually, they don't have a clue what their wives would actually like!)

So in this case, your answer to his "What for?", could be, "Play time..." Or something fun. Sexy. Light.