Hey folks,
hard to believe what improvements time, and the MB system, has accomplished for us. So much improvement, but there is some lingering baggage I need advice for.
The biggest thing is that W thinks I have a porn addiction; I HAD a strong sex drive and did look frequently at porn prior to DDay, but it's been nearly 2 yrs. It still clearly affects her- and affects our intimacy by impacting her emotionally.
I've made major efforts to reform, and reassure her that it's in the past, but she seems determined to hold onto my past behavior. This almost seems like some psychological hurdle that I fear may never go away. She's occasionally said she may need professional help.
What can I say or do, that will help this woman? We've had a pretty good recovery, against a lot of headwinds, but it's not complete.

Just prove to her you have stopped. Why does she think you still look at porn?

When was the last time you looked at porn? And have you used this program to create a romantic, passionate marriage? If the present is happy, one doesn't tend to think of the past.

SadDude,

How does she compare her 10 year affair with your porn, I know it's not an apples to apples comparison?

God Bless
Gamma

Melody, thanks for the answer.
I don't know the answer to why she thinks that I still look. I think she has clenched onto it, and won't let go.
I've worked pretty hard to create a loving relationship, but it takes 2, and sometimes I feel like the only one making an effort.
It's frustrating.

Gamma asks, how does she compare her 10 yr affair with my porn viewing -
Good question, here's my best guess: The A seems to be dead, and now has swung her attention on my previous weakness. She must dwell on it, as she searches online for other stories/columns/advice about other "sex addicts", including some minor searches for a local Psych.
I have confronted her about this a few mos ago, but she still seems to be searching for something.

Do you still verify that NC is in place?

Yes. We've got boundaries set up. Opps for IB are almost zero, and I monitor cell usage. I am 99% certain NC is being observed.

SD, it doesn't sound like you are in recovery. Can we help you take this to the next level?

SadDude, I think I have posted to you in every one of the new threads you have started (4-5) and the advice was the same but just continues to be ignored.

Your W had a 10 year affair with the OM who still lives in town. I think he has even called her cell phone which he still has access to and she has had run-ins with him.

Dr Harley would tell you to move as well. Do you realize that?

When are you moving?

Good thing SQ is not asleep at the switch.

You need to move far away from the OM. It is unacceptable for WW to be running into the OM. Even if these breaks are 100% accidental they are still breaks in NC.

You should move at least a full days ride by car away from the OM. Minimum 500 miles one way.

SadDude,

Alternately get the OM to move, tie him to the last car on a freight train.

God Bless
Gamma

Guys, I'm not moving. I realize that is generally good advice and can make sense in many instances, but we have strong ties to this area and in no position to move, for a number of reasons. Also, the risk, IMO, is very low- many boundaries are in place, and IB opportunities are nearly zero. I don't worry about broken NC, because my eyes are fully opened - I'm on it. We have a very integrated lifestyle. I was fooled once, but those days are past.
But I'm just concerned that she seems to dwell on one of my past weaknesses.

Gamma, "getting OM to move" is an interesting idea; we have no contact with this OM at all. What would you propose that one do, to effect this, since 2 yrs has passed?

SadDude,

For starters how much exposure did you do of OM particularly at work, church and with OM family.

I think you wrote that he is a car salesman, I would protest at the dealership, and to the company he sells, this might be particularly effective if your WW was a customer at one time and that is how the contact was made.

A ten year affair I don't know how you keep from breaking every bone in his body you're a better person than me. Does OM fear you?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, once DDay arrived (via an anonymous email tipper), the next day I called OM directly and let him know the A was over, and made it clear that I wouldn't tolerate any further contact. He agreed. Within a week, he busted that over a bogus reason (chased FWW car down, but she ignored him from behind a closed car window- we now always drive together), and I dispatched a close friend to confront him- at his worksite- and get him to back off for good. That worked.
As for exposure, I didn't do it at the dealership, but did with his FW, who he still has regular contact with (2 sons). She says, "He's a good guy", but I let her know how hurtful this "good guy" was to me and MY family. And it was his own FGF who gave me the tip that this was going on- I missed every clue. Both of them were aware of it for years! The FGF was empathetic to me, but she moved on from OM after finally realizing OM was just a conniving liar, in every way.
Break every bone... I'd be fibbing if I told you that never occurred to me, or my thoughts don't occasionally dwell on this. But it's negative energy, and I've concluded it wouldn't be useful.