She lives in our house still. I moved out. We both stay in the same city.

She went to his birthday party on the 5th. She made him a gift. Very personalized. She went with her best friend. I know this because her friend posted pictures from the party. No pictures with them together. She had told me it was for a female co-worker. It was a party at a restaurant/bar with the after party at his house. They came home early that day so I'm guessing they never made it to his house.

Her original plans for her birthday yesterday were to go to Vegas for the weekend. A few weeks earlier I read some messages on her phone asking him where he was going to be staying at. I guess he was going to be out there a few days before her for something else and was going to meet up and stay with her when she got out there but he never responded and not long after that she told me she wasn't going to Vegas after all. Then through some conversations I over heard, she was pissed off at him because when she invited him to her party which was this weekend he asked her if it was ok if he brought someone with him. She said she didn't believe he had a girlfriend and he was probably lying. Then a few days ago she said she had took him off her Facebook. And when I checked (without her knowing) he was gone.

And she's been making a lot of post and comments on fb and saying things to me about how she doesn't need a man in her life in order for her to be happy.

There's still the same guys on her friends list that I had caught her flirting through text with when we had first split up. And there's a few new guys. And a guy she had hooked up with once to make her OM jealous but then deleted when it worked is now back on her friends list. She may be doing this to make him jealous or (since she is sure I'm checking her Facebook) she may just be doing it so I would think things with him are over but I don't know if she would go that far.

I know this all sounds very high schoolish. I feel dumb even posting about it. But this is my life right now and its really causing me and my kids (all 5 of them) a lot of pain and heartache. I want to save our family. I understand I contributed a lot to this mess due to, among other things, my substance abuse and past infidelity. But I'm hopefully on the right track now.

I'm doing pretty good at eliminating my LB but I'm struggling with meeting her emotional needs and how to interact with her. Please, any advice will be great! I'm feeling uneasy and lost. I'm not sure if I'm doing things right or not? Literally step by step instructions an phrases to say would be great. I'm not sure how to do handle these situations yet.

Where are YOU living right now?

With family

Why can't you move back into your house?

Have you seen this?
Men, Do Not Leave Your Home

You need to move back home

Here's why:
About 9 months ago my wife started hanging out with a new group of co-workers. They're all divorced or cheating on their spouses. They're the group of ER nurses and ambulance workers. They're supposedly hooking up and are always flirting with each other.

I wasn't aware of this in the beginning. She started getting invited out and at first we were both going together but then she started going to girls night out with them. And before I knew it it was girls night out every weekend.

At first she would take the van out but then she started coming home at 3 or 4 in the mourning because she would claim she was to drunk to drive and had to sober up at her friends house before she could drive home.

Her affair started at this same time (the beginning stages when I started hearing about how funny the two security guards at work were) and so did the sudden attitude and wardrobe change.

Before this she had always pushed as hard (a lot of times harder) then me, the importance of family and kids and staying together no matter what. But all of a sudden it became all about her. I swear both physically and internally she is not my wife. There is nothing I can see that resembles who she always was.

She is hateful, disrespectful, degrading, insulting to not just me and the kids but to anybody that's not in her circle of friends and family. She has the most foul mouth ever and she is always drinking. My daughter was getting a ride to school from a school mates parents and one day they couldn't take her and another kid. My wife asked why and the other kid (12 yr old boy) said it was because they didn't have any money for gas. My wife looked at him and said "What?! What a bunch of [censored] losers!" My son (13) said "Mom, you're talking to little kids." She didn't care and repeated it even louder.

Anyway, after she stayed out with this excuse a few times I started dropping her off and picking her up. This went on for a couple weekends and then one night she wasn't ready to leave and wanted to pretty much shut the club down. We had another hour to go so I went inside ti join her and her friends.

They were all acting weird and pushing her to dance with me. She didn't want to and started dance with her friends. Grinding on them and these two other girls that were dance like stippers started dancing with her and she was dancing just like them. I never seen her dance like that.

The club closed and I was pissed. Ready to go home. She said we were taking her friends home first and told one of her friends to ride in the front with me then she jumped in the back seat of the van with some sister of one of her friends and they started making out. They kissing each other the whole drive. I was losing it inside. And finally when we dropped everybody off and I got her in the car so we could go home. We started driving and I didn't know what to say first.

She looked at me and said "Don't get excited because that wasn't for me since we're not together anymore" and she laughed. I said yes we were and she said Nope! I already filed the divorce papers and Debbie (are manager) took the new lease papers to her job so she could renew them without me on it.

I started tearing up and asked why was she doing this to us. I had just discovered text messages from the OM, she was getting drunk every weekend, treating me and the kids like [censored] and dancing all dirty, putting on a show for all the guys in the club and making out with girls. After sitting through all that now you hit me with this. Why?

She said f**k you all you think about is yourself!

We get home, she stumbles inside and to our room. I go in behind her and start begging her not to do this. She says its already done. She over it, she's unhappy, depressed and she feels like she wants to kill herself. Which by that point was her normal drunk f-you routine.

I knew it was bs and I'd call her on it, she'd jump up and to the kitchen or something, slam the draws around, head for the couch or throw me out of the room, pass out and that be that.

Well this time she jumped up shot straight for the medicine cabinet and started popping the pill bottles open and throwing them in her mouth. I stared for a minute not believing it then jumped and starting grabbing the bottles from her telling her what the hell is she doing? She stared attacking me (which by that point had also become a norm) I grabbed her hard and held her arms up against the wall with one hand, her body with mine and with my other hand I shoved my fingers in her mouth and started pulling out any pills I could get.

She started spitting them out. I let her go. She laid on the floor. I asked her if she really swallowed any? She started moaning and moving her head around. I didn't know what to do so I called 911. She works at our hospital and knew they would take her there so she jumps up and tries to leave. But I keep her in the room till the paramedics get there. The 911 operator he's me arguing with her the whole time and sends the police too.

They all show up. She's a sweaty mess. I got marks, scratches and bite marks on me. The sink and bathroom floor is full of pills and everything else.

The medics take her outside. The cop asks me what's going on. I explain everything without to much detail. A second officer shows up, sits with me well the first officer heads over to the ambulance to get her side of the story.

After awhile he comes back and say that my wife who I've known for half my life and have never laid a hand on is saying that I an high on drugs and when she told me about the divorce I flipped out and tried to rape her and win she fought back I started strangling her.

WHAT?! None of that is true! I have a drug problem but I've been sober for over four months. I was enrolled in a drug program. They could check. And if there's any marks on her it came from when I was wrestling the pills away from her and out of her mouth.

The cop said look she's obviously drunk. The medics checked her and she didn't have any marks around her neck or anywhere else. I told her I'm not gonna do anything now and if she still wanted to press charges on me for that in the mourning she could.

The cop told me she said she was and that I better do something to protect myself. He was going to have her checked out for the pills and if everything was fine they would only keep her over night for being drunk and kick her out in the mourning so what I should do is get to court early and file a restraining order on her for what she did tonight before she files one on me because the courts usually favor whoever files first.

I told him I didn't want to do all that and he said just to file in case she does. And if she doesn't then I don't even have to mention it to her. What will happen is they'll set a court date a mouth from when I filed and if I don't show up for court that day they the judge will drop the case and nothing will happen.

Well they ended up keeping for on a 51/50 hold for three days. First thing Monday mourning I filed mine. She got out two days later and pissed off she went straight to the court house saw that I had filed for a restraining order already so she asked for an emergency one that went into place immediately. The judge granted it since I was a drug addicted strangling rapist and she had her friend drive her straight from the court house to my dads house where her friend served me my papers well she loaded up the kids in our van. She drove off and I was out of the house.

She didn't follow threw with the restraining order. She didn't show up to court and it was dropped after a month but ever since then every time I would try to come back shed call the cops on me I'd be ask to leave because I was the guy. To go stay somewhere for the night, let her cool off and come back in the mourning. Or (because I had fell back into drugs after I got thrown out) if I was high she would just grab the phone, threaten to call, get ready to dial and I would take off so I wouldnt have a drug charge to fight if we did go through a divorce and I would have to fight for custody of the kids. That or she would flip the story on the cop and play a victim and accuse me of the things she was doing to me. Being verbally abusive and manipulating and I'd get treated like a criminal or a threat to the safety of my wife and kids.

I'm off the lease. The cops had to remove me from the house multiple times already. So I come home for a few days. Something happens in her life and I need to be gone so she suddenly gets frustrated from just seeing me. Tells me to leave. I do everything I can to stay. She's not hearing it and says I'm calling the cops. I can either leave before she calls, after she calls or when they show up. Its up to me.

I want to come home. I keep trying to come home. I'm at the house almost everyday. If I'm not staying at the house then I'm showing up when the kids get out of school and stay for as long as I can after she gets home from work. Sometimes at 2 in the mourning I'd have to walk an hour forty-five back to my dads house because she woke up in the middle of the night and saw that I was still there after she said I couldn't be.

How do I stop this? What are the steps I need to take?

The days that I'm home and kids walk in from school the first thing they say is "Dad!?" I know they do this on the days I'm not here too.

So, the quick rundown from a review of your thread so far;

1) You had an emotional affair 3 years ago. Was it REALLY only an emotional affair? Be completely honest here.

2) Your wife is abusing alcohol.

3) Your wife is having multiple affairs.

4) You have laid your hands on your wife.

5) You have a history of drug abuse with a stint of 4 months sobriety... which you blew when you used again.


I would suggest, to you, anger management and drug treatment. Because that is in YOUR control. YOUR decisions, YOUR lifestyle.

Showing up to the house high is only empowering and enabling your wife's wayward behavior, and your marriage cannot recover while you are actively abusing drugs.

1) You had an emotional affair 3 years ago. Was it REALLY only an emotional affair? Be completely honest here.

2) Your wife is abusing alcohol.

3) Your wife is having multiple affairs.

4) You have laid your hands on your wife.

5) You have a history of drug abuse with a stint of 4 months sobriety... which you blew when you used again.

It was an emotional affair. She made me feel good about myself. I felt motivated. My wife had stopped being supportive towards me. She provided that. That's all I ever got from her. She wanted more. I never did. I'm not a model but I'm not ugly either. And girls love to flirt and hit on a "cute" guy. The temptation of sex has always been there. But I'm a man not a dog. I love my wife and still till this day I have never slept with another women. My wife is abusing alcohol but so is the rest of her family, so is mine, and most of our friends do too. But she rarely drank before. Only at parties and get togethers. Now she drinks during the week and every weekend. Both her parents were angry drunks who were abusive mainly towards each other. Mine were happy drunks. We both reflect our parents. I don't know if my wife is having affairs because she sees us as split up with no chance of getting back together. Even with her OM she didn't take it to the next level until after I was out the house. I know this for a fact and can prove it with messages between the two confirming it. I was raised by my mother, who was strong at that time. I would and have NEVER physicaly hurt any women. I've been verbally abusive and emotionally neglectful towards my wife during hard times in our relationship (and we've had more then a few) but for the most part we've been supportive and there for each other. I come from a family of drug addicts and I've been one since I was fifteen years old. I've never been a heavy drug user. When things were going great I'd get high to "enjoy" it better and when things were at their lowest I'd get high to it to get "through" it. Things didn't get bad till my affair had got exposed and I had quit my job because of it. I felt like [censored]. I had destroyed my wife. I missed talking to the OW. I was unhappy. I choose my family over my happiness and got depressed and maybe resentful towards my family. I got high and numb and shut off to the world. Until I noticed something different in my wife. Something changed and it snapped me out of it. I started doing everything I could to fix everything I've done. None of it worked. Everything inside me was improving well everything around me was falling apart. And when it was all said and done I felt nothing but pain and numbed it quick. Eventually I got use to the pain and half heartedly stopped using then joined this site. Got called out on it. But by people who supported an idea that made some sense and offered some hope. So I swallowed it, stepped it up, got back on a program and got serious about my sobriety...again. Will it stick? I don't know.

^ I can't get anymore honest then this.

Now please, any advice would be appreciated. And all the advice so far has been helpful.

WHAT?! None of that is true! I have a drug problem but I've been sober for over four months. A little over 2 weeks ago, you told us that you'd been sober for less that 3 weeks. Now you are claiming you have been sober for more than 4 months. Which is true? Also, you said this incident occurred 9 months ago, which is 5 to 8 months prior to the dates you've claimed to have stopped using drugs.I was enrolled in a drug program. They could check. You may have been enrolled in a drug program, but by your own admission, you were using drugs during that time. Please stop trying to deceive us. And if there's any marks on her it came from when I was wrestling the pills away from her and out of her mouth. Wrestling and trying to get pills out of her mouth couldn't possibly have left bite marks on her. The only way you could have left bite marks on her is if you bit her!

JessicaClaire, I think he was recounting his conversation with the police the night of their blow-up. He didn't bite her. SHE bit HIM.

Chris, I am extremely concerned about your children. From what you've told us, it appears that they are living with a couple of drunks. I believe their welfare may be in jeopardy. Is there any way the family member you are living with can take them in as well?

I am concerned about your children too.

They need a sober and stable adult to protect and guide them through this nightmare.

Here are the dates:

In November is when ER was short staffed and my wife started covering them for their lunches. The medics and security guards hang out in ER with the nurses. That's when my wife started hanging out with them. That's when she meet the OM.

10 months ago

I stopped using at the end of November. She filed for divorce on Valentines Day. The weekend of my birthday (Feb. 27) was the weekend that I found those first texts. The following weekend (the beginning of March) is when the pills incident happen. By the end of March I was out of the house, I had dropped out of the program and I had started using.

Nov - March = 4 months

I stopped using this time in August. It was almost three weeks prior to me joining thus site (two weeks ago) which means I've been sober now for around 4-5 weeks.

And the red marks, scratches and bite marks were on ME not her. I told the cops if there were any marks on her it would have came from when I was wrestling the pills from her. But there wasn't even marks from that.

The courts would have inturpted the facts the same way you did and I would be fighting a losing battle against some serious charges that would have ruined my life. I don't know what the hell is going on with my wife. The things she doing is not normal. She's not thinking of any of the consequences of her actions and I don't know how to handle it.

I think social services needs to remove those kids from that household.

She won't give up my kids. She has everyone thinking I'm crazy. She tells people things like "He doesn't do anything to try to see the kids." Then tells me that she doesn't want them at my dads house because they make faces when the kids are there, she says she's not comfortable with me taking the kids out to the park or out anywhere for some reason. Like she's worried something might happen to them if their with me and she has it to where no one she knows knows that I'm at the house almost everyday.

I'll be playing with the kids or doing something in the kitchen with them and she'll walk up and take some pictures with the kids around whatever were doing and get back on her phone sit on the couch and ignore us for the rest of the night. Then sure enough I'll check Facebook later that night and she'll have those pictures posted on there saying "Do (fill in the blank) with the kids. Having a blast!" And have all these comments about her being a great mom, being strong, still making time for her kids well going through this hard time in her life. And people applauding her for doing all this on her own. And she'll reply with "Thank yous" and "taking it on day at a times" kind of responses. At first it would piss me off but now I'm just amazed at how she can do something like that!

The mother is back at her sisters house. My wife sent our baby with her for 2 weeks and is bring him back on Monday where she's gonna pay the neighbor across the street to start watching him even though I can watch him and the rest of the kids right.

He made no such reference to bite marks on her. Please go back and re-read his post.

I think we need to concentrate on the bigger issue right, which I believe is getting help for Chris and his children.

My wife did the same thing using FB to get pats on the back for being such a hands on mother.

They want to convince others they are doing good things even when they are not involved at all.

In my case, i invited her to go tobogganing but she wanted to meet up with some old friends instead.

When me and my S-8 at the time went, we also took 2 of his friends
When we got done i built an igloo for the boys that took about 4 hours to make and i sent her a photo to see what fun our son was having inside the igloo.

She then posted: "Making An Igloo" on FB and was receiving all sorts of accolades from her friends stating what a good mom she was. She never mentioned anything about me and just allowed the dozen comments pour in to stroke her ego.

I still don't know how anyone can be so blatantly false and misleading.

It is very frustrating seeing direct lies and all the sheep falling for the B-S.

By the way, I've been sober for 19 1/2 years. Do it and be accountable by getting a sponsor who runs his own life and 12 Step program with integrity.

There isn't any problem you have that will get better by using drugs or alcohol.

LTL

Thanks

Here's something else that's happening. Everytime she can't find something at the house she accuses me of taking it and selling it for drugs (I never even did that when I was using and living at home) then she tell everybody what I did and how I'm lying to her about it and won't even be man enough to admit it. Then later when she's finds it, or I find it for her just so I can prove to her that I didn't do that, she won't say anything about finding it. I a few times she's accused me of taking money from her purse and I don't think she's even missing money. I think she making it up so she can say that's why I can't come back to the house.

She just accused me of that again but sent the message to my dads phone so he can read it. He just forwarded me the message and said that if I'm using again then I can't stay at his house.

His should I handle this?