I have been lurking this forum, as well as another one, for a while. It's time that I post in order to build a support network, as I feel things are out of control and I've entered a dark place. I have three AMAZING friends who have helped me thus far, but I can tell they too are growing weary.

About my story: H and I were high school sweethearts. Married for 24 years, together for 31. We have two teenage sons, ages 17 and 14. Our marriage was never complicated and seemed to go along rather smoothly most of the time.

There have been some 'red flags', but I always felt confident about myself and our marriage and couldn't imagine my H cheating on me after both his father and his step-father did the same to his mother. He detests both of them for it and doesn't have a thing to do with either one of them any longer.

Red flag #1 came up about 7 years ago. My H left his work email up on our home office computer and I found an email where he and the office secretary were sharing correspondence about there being cake and ice-cream available in the break room and something about eating it off of each other. I became LIVID! He calmed me down and said it was only chatter; that he had no interest in her. I eventually let it go, but let him know that I didn't want him to socialize with her any longer outside of work. This fell on deaf ears, as he continued/continues to attend social gatherings with this woman. She is one of his support confidants to this day.

Fast forward to present. At the end of May, H attended a co-workers retirement party. A couple of weeks prior, I found H up late at night on his laptop. When I went downstairs to see what he was up to, he had a weird look on his face and deleted his history as I stood there. I should have just grabbed the laptop, but didn't... Anyway night of the retirement party, it was getting late and he had been with this group for going on 8+ hours. I got in the car, hoping to find his car downtown and walk in on the party. Didn't have any luck finding the car, so called him. He was at home. When I got home, he asked where I had been. I said that I suspected that he was up to no good and I was hoping to bust him. At that, he dropped the bomb. No longer loves me. Wants out.

He moved about a week later, but didn't make it official to our kids until the day before Father's Day (would come home at night, eat, shower, and then leave after the kids went to bed). Gave the speech about not being happy, and hasn't been for a while. Blah blah blah.

Would never reveal where he was living, though he led me to believe that he was staying with one particular friend. When I called that friend, he said that H hadn't spent one single night there. He suggested another name of where H might be staying. When I would drive by that location, I saw H's car for most of June, but stopped seeing any sign of it once July hit.

Jump ahead to today... I have confirmation that H is living with and having an affair with a 24-year-old female coworker (HALF his age). From the evidence that I have been able to collect, it appears that the EA crossed over to a PA sometime in April.

I have told him that he is delusional if he thinks this relationship with her is going to last and be worth all the damage he has caused to both his marriage and his family. He is truly LOST. Youngest son doesn't want anything to do with dad right now. They have not seen or spoke to one another in two months.

I feel so hurt and betrayed by him, and yet want to at least have the opportunity to see if our marriage can be saved and better than it was before. Neither of us was happy with intimacy issues in our marriage. He always wanted more sex, and I always felt starved of emotional intimacy. It was always our yin-yang.

I somewhat naturally did Plan A when I thought H was just having a midlife crisis. I did a lot of validating of his feelings, etc. When it appeared he was serious about moving out, I'm afraid I did the begging, pleading, crying, etc. I'm not so sure I could have stopped myself even if I had known at the time that it was just pushing him out faster. Have most definitely gone into Plan B now. Since confirming his affair, it's just best that I don't have interaction with him (though he gets quite anxious when I've been dark for too long and seems to create some reason why he has to come to the house or whatever).

H filed for divorce back in July, irreconcilable differences. I hired an attorney and we countered with Emotional Cruelty, but will amend with Adultery now. We have been waiting on H camp to present a settlement offer, but nothing has been presented. H was just recently asking about financials (since I�ve made it pretty clear that I know about the affair), so I feel an offer will be coming shortly.

H just seems to react. Wants to eat cake as long as he can, but when confronted, he bolts. Just wish I could make this whole crazy train STOP so that we could at least try to work on our marriage. I�m afraid he is doing nothing but react to that which makes him uncomfortable and is in delusional la la land with the OW. It�s as if he thinks he is also 24 years old again, without a care in the world. No kids to take care of (has dinner once/week with oldest son � always back within 45 minutes), and only time to do things with OW.

I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!

IWs, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I agree with you that its a good idea to stay in a dark Plan B. In fact, I would change your locks and set up an intermediary if I were you. You will find that you feel much better emotionally and physically if you shut that door tight.

And I am hoping you told your family and his all about his affairs?

I have told our kids, my family, and WHs mother. WHs mother chooses to just stick her head in the sand and not believe. Said to me, "He told me he isn't having an affair." Yeah, he told me that too.... I told her that I have enough evidence to feel comfortable in telling her and that she will just have to take my word on it for now, as I'm not about to show all my cards while there is a possible divorce looming.

Have you exposed this at their job?

Who have you exposed to on OW's side?

Have you read the Exposure thread?

BrainHurts, I have not exposed at their job, not directly anyway. We work at the same place. My supervisor knows and my supervisor's supervisor knows. H and OW are 'equal' level employees, so neither could lose their job.

I haven't exposed to OW's side, as I'm not certain how to go about it without looking like a revengeful wife. I have a friend who has volunteered to make the call, as she is disgusted by the age difference, but I haven't let the friend 'lose' yet. I did, however, tell a mutual friend of the OW's about their affair. This mutual friend knows the parents of OW, so am hoping that word gets to them in a round-a-bout fashion.

Bracing myself for the advise I'm about to hear.....

You need to call the OW's parents. I have a 24yo and would be all over my child if they were doing this.

If you use the templates in the Exposure thread you will not sound vengeful.

Have you read the Exposure thread?

Dr Harley is very clear on the matter of exposure: Expose workplace affairs as high as possible ( Director/ CEO) and expose to family, clergy and Friends.
Have you read the Exposure 101 Thread?
You need to expose to everyone on one day asap. You do the exposing.

So, seriously, is it wrong for me to continue to have any hope at this time? WH has never wavered in his decision since informing me he wants 'out' end of May. He is hooked up with a young 24 yo, and they have nothing but time for one another - no responsibilities whatsoever. WH seems to have little time for responsibilities, such as HIS CHILDREN!!! When I exposed to WHs mom, she didn't want to face, so I doubt that she has confronted him. I just feel that it's pointless for me to try to save this marriage, when I would have liked to at least been given the chance. Our marriage wasn't complicated. Like I said, WHs only complaint over the years has been about what he perceived to be the infrequency of sex (we were down to 2x/week - given our years together and two adolescents in the house, I don't think this was all that unusual). I can only imagine OW is proving his complaints valid... ugh! I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!!

IWS, I don't see any hope unless he makes a radical change in his approach to your marriage. That doesn't seem very realistic, does it? I would go into a very dark plan B and send him a letter telling him you would consider reconciliation in the future if he ended his affair and committed to making the necessary radical changes that will make recovery possible. I don't see him ever wanting to do that, though.

If he doesn't make radical changes, this is hopeless.

You might have to just accept that divorce is the definition of success in this situation. I am sorry.

Such an age disparity between your H and the POSOW seems natural to expect that this A will implode on it's own weak foundation.

24 years old!!! Geez, she's young enough to be his daughter.

You can only control your own actions though.

What type of Plan A did you do thus far? I don't recall reading that on the other forum.

If you know you did everything you could to offer your H a vision of a better newly improved M, for a minimum of 3-4 weeks and no longer than you could tolerate without reciprocation, then you need to fulfill the Stick part of Plan A, with the impact of complete exposure to everyone who could possibly have Any influence on your H.

That DOES include appropriate exposure to his and your work place. Don't worry about his financial or job security, and how that might affect you, because you are going to be severely affected by Divorce anyways. So, just do it and do it right, like the workplace exposure templates on this site will guide you.

Once all the relevant parties have been exposed to your plea for helping the marriage, then you write your Plan B letter and offer your terms for any possible future reconciliation.

Then you go completely DARK, until his ACTIONS show that he is complying.

No marriage is hopeless until Both spouses give up trying.

But for now, how well was your Plan A?

Will you try to save your marriage with the Proper Exposure methods?

Will you start putting your Plan B letter together?

Can you go completely Dark without ANY contact with your H, even at your job?

LTL

I didn't know about 'Plan A', 'Plan B' when I first learned that WH wanted out, but sort of led a plan A while he was still in the home (did a lot of validating his feelings). Mind you WH was not here long before moving out (about 7-10 days tops). He is a non-confrontational kind of guy and I think the guilt got to him. So, really, Plan A didn't have much of a chance and I don't imagine it will help my position at all to backtrack now. I've tried to implement Plan B as best as I can, but not only do we work for the same company, we've had our own business to dissolve over the summer, in addition to kids' issues to converse about. I have found it's best for me to just go as dark as I possibly can with WH, as to interact with him only brings out a lot of anger and hostility. He is making a HUGE mistake and throwing away a fairly decent marriage for an illusion, but what little face to face interaction that we've had to have has been confrontational. Please help!

Will you send the exposure letters to All potential influential friends, relatives and co-workers and especially the HR Department Head and President of your branch, with cc's on the bottom to notify them that there upper management will also be notified?

Will you start on your Plan B letter to your H?

LTL

My concern is that we are beginning to talk D settlement terms through our attorneys. I need WH to have his job. Neither will lose their job, as they are 'equals' at their workplace.

I believe my WH would laugh if I were to give him a Plan B letter. He is the one constantly reminding me that it's over, that he's not changing his mind, that I am in denial.... I think a letter would bring out the same response in him.

Firstly, what response are you getting from him by Not wanting to do the Plan B letter?

Right. The one you are getting now.

So, let's address the exposure first.

There is no intent to request that either party be fired. But, ALL of their colleagues and upper management will know you are seeking to keep your family together and You are very willing to work on restoring Both you and your husbands marriage.

They have spun a different version of the marriage to the few they confided in. Let the truth come out.

As far as the Plan B letter..... Yes, he more than likely will spew the same BULL-Chit line he has been hanging onto,..... INITIALLY!!!

But, what do you have to lose?

What you've been doing so far by doing nothing hasn't worked, so do something else.

Do what has a proven track record of "Sometimes" working. It's better than something that has no chance, isn't it?

Unless you have completely given up and know that Your H and this 24 year old kid will beat the extreme odds and be one on the 3/4 of 1% that make it.

LTL

Your lawyer can drag out the D for a long time by making extreme demands and vy Discovery, interrogatories, subpoenas, and depositions.

Make your H explain to his friends and co-workers why they are being deposed and interrogated.

Hmmm..... The affair with a child may not look so worthwhile now!!!

LTL

As you can see, it helps you tremendously when you do go dark. The child thing is easily resolved with an intermediary so that leaves your job. I would work on finding another job. It will be hell on you emotionally and physically to have to see the infidels at work every day. It will be lifechanging, in a positive and therapeutic way, to get out of that job situation.

Have you looked around for a new job?

That's ok if he laughs. Since you have done DARK you won't know. But you have to set up your life so you CAN go dark. Obviously you can't do that if you work together.

A letter to him makes perfect sense if you are telling him:

1. don't contact me directly
2. all contact must go through my designated IM
3. don't contact me until you end your affair

He might laugh, but you wouldn't know. What he would have in his hand is a way back when his affair crashes and burns. So while he might laugh today, he won't be laughing tomorrow when his affair crashes and he starts missing his family.

This point for emphathis!!!

You give him a clear cut road map on how to reconcile where he feels it is impossible. It may take time. He might laugh at it. BUT, he WILL remember it.

LTL

Please Read The Carrot And The Stick Thread that i just bumped up to the top of this forum and let us know what you think.

LTL

LTL, since she well past the point of Plan A, she needs to place all of her efforts into getting into an airtight Plan B. She has spent months trying to win him back and that is not good for her health.