Hi Everyone. My name is ****edit**** I am 34 yrs old from Canada.
I have been married to my wife for 6 years now. We have a son, a special needs child. I do not know any other term for it. I am from Quebec, so all the terms are put to me in french. ADHD? and quite a few others.

I am not posting on here to slur or attack my wife. We have talked about what Im about to post, to no avail. She's impossible. I also want to know If anyone else has a special needs child and have similar problem. So here it is:

I am a Long Haul Truck Driver. Alot of women know How this works, my wife does. She is a Trucker's Wife. It is my job, my career, a lifestyle for all of us. She does not work. Now before anyone thinks anything, let me explain.
As I stated earlier, our son has ADHD and many other conditions, So, Me and my wife had to make a compromise. This compromise was enacted when our son turned 3. He is now 7.

I work full time, so she can stay at home and take care of things with our son, our home while I am away working.
I pay for everything, I take care of my family 200%. Trucking gives me an income that is way above what any other job would pay me, to which I am qualified to do. This is the deal We made.

Now, some people call what I am doing a sacrifice. I see it as something I need to do, for my son, for my wife, For my family.
Lonelyness can get to us. The both of us, but that's the lifestyle. I leave for 5 to 10 days all depending on what We decide, then I am home for 2-4 days.

Here's the problem: ( I will try to be as positive as possible)

When I am home, I do housework, I cook/clean, I do laundry, I play with my son, like anyone normal would do. It's a part of life. My wife is not big on housework. Never was, but I don't want to add "never will be". She's a good cook, but hates cleaning afterwards. Guess Who does it 90% of the time after each meal?

Now alot of women I see answering men that complain about their wives always answer, Do you help her? Do you do housework? They tend to attack the husbands, and sometimes its warranted. Sometimes it's not. Alot of women complain about their husbands too. Vice Versa. It is what it is. BUT, their situations might differ, in an extreme way at times.

Now, When I am ready to leave, to head to work, I did alot of housework, made sure the kitchen was clean, basically so that When I leave its more or less on the clean side. The problem is, when I get back home, Here we go again. The home is upside down, everything is a mess, as If I never cleaned. She does not help me much while I do the housework or clean up after meals. She seems to have a MAJOR lack of motivation. She seems to like being lazy and living in her mess. I am a very clean person and cannot stand a dirty, stinky, messy home.

What does she do while Im gone you ask?

Well, as I stated earlier, She does not work. I do. She is a mother at home to our son, this is alot of work. He goes to school all week. Leaves at 7am, comes home at 4pm. Towards taking care of our son, no problems. She works hard. It's not easy being a special needs parent.
Once our son is gone, This is where I feel she should do something around the house. A little bit everyday, at least try to maintain the cleanliness of the home. She does not. Most of the time, She goes to bed, watches TV, smokes in our room in bed, and wakes up to receive our son from the school bus. This is all week long. When the weekend arrives, I also arrive, The place is a mess. She did nothing all week. it's the same story week after week after week. If I don't clean and do housework, oh man, and my son had to live in this and its rubbing off her onto him. He thinks its normal. The mess.
He even asked me a few times What I was doing. I was doing housework, cleaning, picking up. What does she do on the weekend while Im home? More or less the same things. The only time she comes out of our room is to go do groceries, or shopping..

I don't know How many other people go through this kinda thing, but If you do, or did, Can you give me some advice? This cannot keep going on forever like this.

and If you we're to ask her, her side of the story to this, all she would do is get mad. She would not want to hear it, talk about it. She always tells me She needs a break, that She is tired. My mother feels she is selfish, because of the amount of hours I work, and miles I drive, and what I always need to do when I get home...

I love my wife as much as day 1, I just do not love her ways.

Can anyone help?

Welcome to MB.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts?

Also have you read this?
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Also I would change your handler name so it isn't your real name.

How can you meet the minimum 15 hours of UA if your job is traveling?

What is UA?

My bad - editing.

UA is "undivided attention" time - it's the time you and your spouse spend together without outside disruption, where you can concentrate on just the two of you.

only happens once a month for 2 days on the weekend. Very rare.

Please read these.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard
Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

The Policy of Undivided Attention

Canadian, the health of your marriage will remain in jeopardy as long as you are travelling for your job. Can you quit that job and find one that will allow you to be at home nights?

Forgive me trucker because French is my 2nd language, but I will try

A-t-elle depression?

UA time = "undivided attention" (couple temps ensemble)
Vous avez besoin 15 heures et plus par semaine (oui, par semaine) pour la maintenance d'amour dans un marriage. Pas d'enfant, pas de t�l�, juste vous et elle.

"La vie d'un trucker" n'est pas bonne pour votre mariage. Elle n'est pas heureuse. SVP lisez "policy of joint agreement" - les deux personnes dans un mariage doivent accepter toutes les decisions. Vous avez besoin d'une nouvelle carriere (d�sole). Votre mariage est plus importante.

Je voudrais avoir depression si mon mari etait sur la rue chaque jour et chaque semaine. Ce n'etait pas un mariage qu'est r�ussi.

__

Does she have depression?

You need 15 hours or more per week (yes, per week) to maintain romantic love in your marriage. No child, no TV, just you and her.

"The life of a trucker" is not good for your marriage. She is not happy. Please read the policy of joint agreement - both people in the marriage must agree on all decisions. You need a new career, sorry. Your marriage is more important.

It sounds like you expect her to just be happy in an empty house all week. That is disrespectful to her - maybe she is not cleaning or caring for the house because she misses her husband and is not happy he is gone. She is probably not in love because of that. You can fix this, but it means being home for her.

I would have depression if my husband was always gone every day and week, I wouldn't care about the house and I would just sulk about.

Bonne chance.

Alis, thank you for your French interpretation, although he seems to be quite fluent in the English language. Like, it might be his FIRST language.

Very true, I find the more people apologize for their English, the better their English really is! "Undivided attention" sounds bad in French (attention is a warning) so if anything I just want to offer an alternative to the phrase, LOL!

But there is a lot of work to be done here, it seems as if his wife is unhappy in general about life and likely that is reflected in the state of the house. He talks about the trucker lifestyle and how it is important in their lives, but is SHE happy with this? Or does she feel this is imposed on her?

Like others say, the first thing we wonder is if she might be depressed. She is basically a single parent when you are gone.
She has to parent a special needs kid on her own. She does not have her husband around to talk to, spend time with, etc.

There are two major tenets of Marriage Builders that you need to work on:

1) Emotional Needs. By being gone, you have limited ability to meet her ENs (and she yours). It is difficult to have conversations, be open about what you are doing, help with housework, spend time with your son, show your wife admiration, intimacy....
BUT! BUT! you say...BUT What about all the Money I bring in?
That is only one of the Emotional needs... you are meeting one to the exclusion of all others.

2) Undivided Attention: To meet these needs, especially the more intimate ones, you need to spend time together. When you first met your wife, did you not spend time with her for 10 days in between dates? Do you think she would have fallen in love with you if she only saw you that infrequently? And did you spend that time complaining about her not doing housework?

So what we are saying is that if your goal is to improve your marriage, you need to be able to spend more time with your wife.
You two should sit down and you should say "Honey, it seems that my trucking job requires me to be away too much. I can see this is causing issues with our family. I was wondering if we could brainstorm other ways for us to keep the income we need with maybe me having a local job and you working too?" Because if your child is at school from 7-4 she has time for part-time/full time work.

Please read and listen to the clips at the end of the thread.
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention