Hi all, my hubs and I have been attempting to do the His Needs Her Needs home course with success when we apply it, but we don't stick with it.

Now last night, over conflict over putting our son to bed (we both disagreed who would do it), hubs had an angry outburst, upset our son, put him to bed (after son was sobbing on the floor crying for daddy to read him stories), and when he finished, we talked. Sort of. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said yes. He doesn't want to leave, he won't leave, and he said he will fight me 100% with all of his resources (he's the breadwinner) to get full custody because, as he says, he doesn't want to miss a day of our son's life.

He's so mean and aggressive and careless about what he says about me in front of our son. I don't even know what to say or do anymore.

I can give much more detail, but the basics:
We've been together for 10 years, married for the last five. Our son is 3.5.
I've just started a new job that is a long commute and I've been working really long hours.
We have two dogs too and live in a rental. We own a house that is rented out in another state that we would like to put on the market next May. It is our only asset together.

Should I leave? Should I consult a divorce lawyer? Mediator? Wait it out? Find an apartment? Change the locks on our house?

I'm so tired of being the keel in this relationship. I feel like I always have to negotiate around his feelings and demands. Although he would probably insist it's the other way around.

Welcome to MB.

Have you seen this?
How to Negotiate When You're an Emotional Person

Don't leave.
Consult a divorce lawyer first.
Leaving can constitute "abandonment".
And why should he get the house and the kid?
I am not saying you should get both either, but you both are entitled.

Consider if this job is the best thing right now...you are not home very much...that doesn't help a marriage.

No matter what happens you are both his parents and should be able to work together. He is using the yelling to get you to leave because that is better for him, he thinks. But it is not better for you or your son.

Tell him for now "No matter what happens to us we are both Juniors parents and need to work together for him. Let's come up with a bedtime routine that we both are happy with. Maybe I can do bath/teeth brushing and you can do pajamas/books. We need not to yell at each other in front of Junior."

Another thing to think is "Be the Thermostat, not the Thermometer." In otherwords, don't respond to his anger, Set the tone. At first just work on the Angry Outbursts.

If he brings up you leaving, just say "I love you, I love our son, and the best thing in the world would be for us to have a good marriage. So I will not be leaving either. I will continue to be working on His Needs Her Needs."

Also all that yelling....sometimes this can indicate an affair on his part. He doesn't want to meet your needs, he wants you to leave...

Hi Nick, welcome to Marriage Builders. My suggestion would be to get marriage coaching from Marriage Builders to motivate him to go through the program. Since you have tried this on your own to no avail, I would bring in a professional. One of the biggest problems in troubled marriages is that one of the spouses is not motivated. And this is where a good therapist can come in.

The Harleys 2 children are both outstanding marriage coaches. Many of us have used them with great success. They assess your situation, give you a plan and sell it to your husband. If he can be sold, you can do the program on your own with minimal guidance.

Since it is your husband who is the reluctant spouse, I would suggest getting an appointment with Steve Harley. He is very persuasive and might able to get him on board.

There is no reason your marriage can't be saved if you and your husband can follow this program. Here is the link with the necessary information: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html

If your husband is having angry outbursts, the two of you will really need to work through the Love Busters course before the His Needs, Her Needs course. If you are having trouble getting through the courses on your own, the accountability program with coaching from Dr. Harley's office and access to ask Dr. Harley questions is a great next step.

Your husband is going to need to learn to stop the angry outbursts. (You will, too, if you also have angry outbursts.) There is a training regimen that can accomplish this if your husband agrees that you are not the cause of his angry outbursts. It is described in the article BrainHurts posted.

If your husband is not willing to stop his angry outbursts or says that you are the cause of them, Dr. Harley would advise you to separate from him.

Here is a thread from my wife accumulating a lot of Dr. Harley's advice on the subject of angry outbursts in one place:

What to do with an angry husband

And here are some radio shows from Dr. Harley on the subject of anger management:

Anger Management 101

Thank you for the responses all. I really do appreciate it. I was pretty miserable this morning just thinking of the logistics of it and how sad it will be for my son who really adores when we act as a family.

Thank you, Brainhurts for the article. I'll print it out and leave it for him to read.

And thank you, markos, for your response, I have read a lot of your posts and advice since I started coming to the Marriage Builders website.

I have read a lot about angry outbursts and the angry husband. I mentioned to him a couple days ago that he seemed really depressed (negative, short tempered, bitchy, relentless with the disrespect and demands). He said I and his job are the source of his depression and anger.

Wannabop, I have considered and acknowledged that the demands of the new job and my absence from the home are contributing stressors. However, it is *always* something. *Always.* My smoking (until I quit); my schooling (until I finished); my lack of $ (until I got a better job); my career choice (until I changed careers); my appearance (until I lost 25 pounds). This week I am being accused of being "checked out." I am drinking too much too frequently so I'm being called a drunk now.
So, I am highly reluctant to search for a new job to protect the marriage, a.) because there will always be a source of stress b.) because I have worked hard and long to get this position, it is finally *finally* what I want to do and I consider it a long term investment and c.) because I honestly don't know how much longer this relationship will last. I just don't know.

I am considering the marriage coaching. It is expensive and will come out of my savings, but I just have to keep repeating: it is less expensive than a divorce!!!!

How much drinking are you doing? What is his complaint exactly, about your drinking?

I have something to drink every other night or every two nights and it will usually be two or three cocktails or a bottle of wine or large beer but I don't get sloppy drunk or mean or blackout drunk. Although I expect that my husband would say that I get "too drunk"

Two or three spirit-based cocktails or a bottle of wine - do you really mean a whole bottle? - every other night is too much alcohol for a woman's health. It's very possible that not just your H but your doctor would have worries about that level of consumption.

Besides this, if you H does not like you drinking as much as you do then you should cut it down severely or stop. Drinking is not an attractive trait; it's not something that enhances us in any way. Also, once you begin saying "I deserve this at the end of a hard day" (do you say that to yourself?) you are probably dependent on alcohol to some degree.

Stop drinking altogether for a while - say a month. After that, cut down drastically by using a rule such as; you can only have one or two small drinks on Friday and Saturday after dinner, or you can only drink when you go out for a special occasion (again - one or two small measures).

If you are ticked off that your H has a problem with your drinking then you probably need to cut right back or stop. Being ticked off is a sign that you feel a need for it, or feel that you've earned it. That's a dangerous view.

I am not excusing his angry outbursts, and for those you should follow the advice you have already received.

However, the things you have listed here are areas that cause unhappiness in marriage, and Dr Harley has given advice on all of them. If smoking is disliked then there is no question that it should be given up. Drinking is the same. Careers, schooling and finances are things that should be negotiated and planned between you, but it is quite legitimate for your spouse to express his desires in those areas (not for him to be angry or aggressive). Also, an attractive spouse is a legitimate emotional need.

The way in which your spouse has expressed these things to you sounds unacceptable. It may that that you need to separate from him until and unless he controls his anger. However, once he has done that then your marriage would benefit from the MB approach which encourages you to see problems in your marriage as bad for the marriage, which means that solutions to those problems are good for the marriage.

That is a lot of drinking for a woman.
One thing you can try to curtail while working towards other aspects right now.

Yes. I agree the drinking is too much. The points I brought up wrt all the changes I've made for his happiness )and I do agree that the smoking and weight were good for me too), have not been met with any desire to change or new habit formed on his part. He still does not have intimate conversation in a safe, nonjudgemental space, he still has his aos, and he still criticizes me as much as he wants with no regard to my feelings.

This is in addition to his continuing to smoke, drink and smoke mj. Do you know how hard it is to quit smoking when there is a smoker in the house? He wants me to not do these things yet wants the freedom to do them himself. I find that frustrating. I wanted him to quit all his bad habits too.

Like someone mentioned, these are all Emotional Needs/Marriage Builders Concepts that you are not meeting.

-My smoking (until I quit); Independent Behavior, all around bad idea

-my schooling (until I finished); This would take away from UA time, Family Support

-my lack of $ (until I got a better job); Financial Support

-my career choice (until I changed careers);Financial Support

-my appearance (until I lost 25 pounds). Physical Attractiveness

-Drinking Too much Independent Behavior, all around bad idea

So how can you say he change and meet your needs if you don't meet his? Now we are not saying that you should do everything he says, but you should POJA things like your career Yes it is frustrating that he wants you to have a better career yet resents your schooling. But we are assuming schooling took up alot of your time after work.

I'm saying I've met those needs. Those are changes I've made.

My experience with dope smokers is they have no motivation at all.
I would have zero tolerance for dope smoking.
Usually dope smokers choose the dope before jobs and relatiomships

But you seemed to think it unreasonable for him to ask for these.
It is so great that you did!

Checking back in: it's been two weeks of painfully clear sobriety (LOL) on my part. And he still has not eased up with his aggressive interactions. Or maybe he has and because I'm not buzzed I feel the full force of the aggression. Or maybe I'm being hypersensitive to it.

Last night, he complained that I was "checked out" again and accused me of drinking- and didn't believe me when I insisted I was not (I was not). He had taken our son to visit his family for the weekend and gotten back on Sunday night. He said he'd thought I'd be more excited to see them and to engage with both him and my son. I felt I was doing just that. When he accused me of "checking out," we were watching TV on the couch, it was a half hour before our son's bed time and it was wind down time.

And yes, after I put our son to bed, he did smoke (weed).

I've also talked to him a couple times about his language and phrasing especially in front of our son- he just doesn't follow through.

I don't know. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to interact with him in a way that will satisfy him- I asked him all sorts of questions, I talked to him all about their trip. We had SF time when he got back.

He's just so MISERABLE. He blames me and his job for his misery. I'm just so unsure what to do.

ETA: I looked back over our texts and emails and in almost every single one, he's brusque and terse and I am polite and go out of my way to thank him for doing some little thing... I feel really neglected.