Hi everyone, new here... As you can see from my signature it is complicated...

I suspected my husband had liked this woman for some time (that was more than half year ago). After summer away from him (with two of my kids abroad), my suspicions were confirmed by my son and bills, and I confronted my H. In the process of A discovery, I also found about porn watching throughout our marriage, last two years more intensely with chats. He admitted to it all.

Three weeks later I opened up about my affair (seven years ago with my first love; total NC this summer), and a one night stand with a different OM (three years ago, NC the night of) � this was all oversees as I�ve been traveling to the old country with kids for the past seven years over summer time. I told him as I wanted to turn the page, to start a new and I felt he deserved to know. He took it very harshly, broke things but didn�t touch me. He texted his OW, with me present, and that got me even more scared that he�ll leave. Under his threats of divorce and exposure on FB, I failed to tell him that our emotional affair continued the following year (we may�ve had intercourse once as far as I can recall, this was all under theme of the old times) and a bit into the next (though no recollection of anything intimate, just one conversation where I told him we will stop this and that I love my husband). Those episodes, I hardly remember, I buried them deep down and might be even lying admitting to them as I honestly have vague recollection. I have NC with OM.

We are in recovery now and the fact that I didn�t tell my husband the whole story is tormenting me. We are intimate on daily basis and spending more time then ever with each other. This weekend I tried to tell him, I began to tell him that OM was present in social circles, and wanted to continue the conversation to build the story and tell him what actually happened, the best that I recall. I told him when I last saw him that there are photos of us as friends. At one moment he asked well how did he come to your party but you ended the relationship � I told him the truth - we were friends, I was not interested in him anymore that way , and just as I wanted to tell him about that second year� he ran-off before I had a chance, he didn�t want to hear or talk about it anymore. He is not a detailed guy and hasn�t asked a lot of questions (much different than me). The result was more than half day of my H resentment, disrespect, and anger. I applied Dr. Hartley�s advice from the Resentment article and it worked. He stopped disrespectfully talking to me about it. Now I don�t know how to restart the conversation, please help. Should I pursue telling my husband the whole truth, when? I heard Dr. Hartley say on the radio, it is Ok to know when/what/who but explicit details we don�t have to rehash. My husband knows that OM was present in my life in some shape or form till this year� His resentment is scary. My plan is to build more in the Love Bank, a few more days, and then let him know. I know this means prolonging even more (it�s been a month since I told him). Or should I tell him asap, if so, what is the best way to deliver the message?

At the same time, I�m dealing with my own emotions regarding his A, as I�m constantly reminded of his acts. A contributing factor is that they spend most of their time here, in our house - practically living here. My husband has very little patience for my moodiness and feelings about this, for obvious reasons, but am having a really hard time with this on daily basis. We are spending more time than ever with each other and are enthusiastic about recovery. Any advice on how to handle our joint recovery is very much appreciated. Thank you.

Welcome to MB.

Have you both written NC letters to your OM(s) and his OW?

Do either of your affair partners live near you?

You must remain NC for life.

What EPs have you put in place?

Have you both been tested for STD/I?

How have you affair proofed your marriage?

Are you still traveling and spending nights apart?

Thank you BrainHurts for your quick reply and welcome!

OMs live abroad. OW lives 10 minutes from our house.

We have not written an NC. I can see how that can help assure that he doesn�t contact her as he did before though I know he will regard that as humiliating act (his word is enough) and resent sending an NC to OW. Where can I find a sample?

We have not been tested for STD and both trust our OMs/OW.

Not spending any nights apart at the moment. He is planning to travel to Japan in a month for business and trying to do everything to limit his trip to 4-5 days. I don't plan to go abroad next year for summer.

Not sure what EPs stands for and what constitutes affair proofing our marriage - am still learning the lingo .

Do you have the book SAA?

Read this.
How to Survive an Affair

How Affairs Should End



[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

The Aftermath
When things die down somewhat, it is important that you present a PLAN to your WS for recovery. The next step is to lead your marriage out of the ditch.

First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair.



Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

Thanks again!!! I have ended my contact with OMs and he has with his OW. We both trust each other on that point. However, I'm still not sure how to tell him, and broach the subject again (after I omitted the details) at the crucial moment. He will be very resentful, and maybe even go to extreme measures of wanting divorce, etc.

I have read through the SAA but have still not found a way to present the details that I omitted, and am afrait to bring them up now that we are on the way of building up our Love Bank. Shold I wait until things die down and then present all of the above as well as the omitted detail of my continued EA for a year after. Is that even important any more? I am just adding on to his pain.

It's been a three weeks since I told him, and five weeks since I uncovered his A.

You need to be completely honest with him. Just sit him down an tell him the whole truth.

Have you told your kids about both of your affairs? How about Your family?

Is his OW married? How about Your OM?

Ok. Should I do that asap or wait for things to calm down even more.

We have not told our kids about affairs. My son was here while it was happenging he probably suspects. I am not sure I'd want to go that route. They are young.

I told my mom and my two best friends, + he exposed me on FB. Ha has not told anyone of his. His family is overseas and we don't see eye to eye. I am willing to tell all of my family.

OW is young, not married. My longer OM is divorced. One-night-stand OM is now married, at the time engaged.

Yes, you need to be honest. Tell your kids. Tell your parents. Having people know what you've done in the past is the best way to force yourself to behave respectably in the future.

There will be some emotional fallout, for sure, but going through the process is therapeutic.


You have to get to the point where you respect his right to choose that if he wishes. That's part of building an intimate marriage.

To some extent "we live with each other by invitation only," which is a comment I remember from one of Dr. Harley's articles. When I told my wife in 2011 that I had viewed porn during our marriage in 2006 she was very upset and didn't see how we could make our marriage work. But I had to give her the truth and give her the chance to decide. And I would have had to honor her choice if she felt that she wanted to end our marriage over that.

Likewise when my wife asked me to leave our home over my angry outbursts, I had to learn to respect her right to say "These are not conditions under which I am willing to continue her marriage."

Going through all of that was vital to building what we have today: a healthy, happy marriage. But it really is "by invitation only." I don't have the right to try to keep her in a marriage that is not on terms acceptable to her, and vice versa. The result is a marriage we are both happy with!

Thanks both. Gosh - I cannot imagine my H's telling his mother about porn watching for such a long time. She is extremely religious. Also, she doens't like me. It will be horrific.

I'm most concerned about telling my children. My eldest is 11. What is the best way to tell them that?

I will tell him tonight and I already told him I have something important to talk to him about. I will stick to the facts, and the only thing I'll ask him to do is to not contact OW.

I appreciate your help very much.

Your spouse trusted you, and you hid a sexual affair from him.

Also, anyone who engages in an affair with a married person obviously condones lying.

Get tested.

BV

Told him. It did't go well. He said he doesn't want this anymore, and that we'll talk later. The trouble is I didn't tell him the whole truth the first time he asked me to explain - how can he trust me now. He told me I'm free to go where I want and to leave the kids alone. I'm a sick person looking for love who is deeply unhappy, Not the case. He forgot this was all in my past. Separate rooms tonight. He doesn't even want to look at me.He said kids are the only thing he is interested in.

Realistically, what are our chances? i remain optimistic. i love him with all my heart and will do all that it takes to regain his trust. I reminded him of the reason i told him in the first place - to be honest and start a new life.

i'm so sad. Hope tomorrow will bring a better day.

he is weighing my sins against his.

How is everything this morning?

Not good. He said we will be friends from now. He is not interested in me anymore, just kids. He wants to be just friends and focus our texts/conversations to kids only. It is my daughters birtday today. He said - he does not want this anymore. He wants to block me if I send him one more message. He said one of us will have to go.

I am very sad.

Told him not to make these drastic decisions so quickly. That I realize what I've done and can't turn the past but can fix in the future. He said he doesn't want any promises, discussions, I love yous... Just to be left alone with the kids. I told hime I won't be goint anywhere from my kids and him. That this is not worth our marriage but I respect his decision whatever that is.

He said the more you talk to me the worst it gets. Stop talking to me. I also told him that the only way to fix this is by being together - he said there is not chance of that right now. To not touch him or talk to him about anything but kids.

I'm not hopeful at this point. He keeps saying - I don't want this anymore... Go find happiness with somoene else (you were deeply unhappy) I told him that this past - I am happy now and we'll be even happier... He keeps repeating - I don't want this anymore.

Not sure how to behave but to listen to him.
My pain is beyond pain and can't imagine how he feels (not loving, disrespected, that is for sure). I am not surprised at this resentment - as he is weighing in that I'm the one that had affairs all these years and he had one (plus the port which doesn't count in his eyes) -- therefore our marriage is a joke to me. not at all. The last thing he said is we'll figure out which one of us will move out. I told him that is a terrible decision as I'll feel he has left me and feel abandoned. He confirmed he won't go to her.

It is hard to think that he has no love left for me and that the love is turning into hate of the person that I was.

That may be your best bet right now. Only a few hours since your last trickle truth. Obviously he is still VERY angry. You said he broke things last night. Please be careful.

When my wife finally TT everything, I said those same things. I broke some stuff (which I still have to fix). She just listened and waited for me to settle down only to verbally attack her at random. It's not the MB way, but her "taking" my angry outbursts and not pushing me for the first three days set us up for a fair recovery. Her advise would probably be avoid LBs and to not entertain the idea of separation, and that's it until you can engage him on other issues.

I say this because although I did have angry outbursts, my wife knew I would not physically harm her or the kids. She just had to tolerate some nasty verbal/emotional abuse (which she was trained by me how to handle that for 15 years...sadly). The vets will likely recommend plan B due to his violent AOs. I wouldn't argue with them, but at the same time I feel that would have been the end of my M. Also, you are supposed to enter plan B with your H having the best memory of you, to save $LB deposits. Well, you don't have any.

You have a tough scenerio. I'm very interested in what the vets say.

Thansk Monkey. It was the first time I told him the truth that he broke things. This weekend I asked him to stop with disrespectful behaviour, and last night as I begin to talk I sad two things:
a) please respect what we agreed around name calling
b) please don't call her.
He agreed.
He is verbally attacking - at random too. Refused to sleep with me or next to me last night and threatened to go to the hotel if I insist. I didn't.
I am also trained at hearing him be abusive, calling me names, etc. He has not been violent but is very very angry.
He said you lied to me and essentially done someting 4 times (3 with the same guy, yes the emotional slash one time sexual (reminiscing the old times) + kiss stands; and the other was the one night stand). I feel separation will be the end of it, am sure he will like his life alone (he was always like this - alone, disconnected, in his world of work, worries (and yes porns, never paying any attention to me). - so I am sure that world will be just fine for him. He likes to be alone, and will thrive. I on the other hand will feel abandoned that is for sure.

I don't think I have any LB deposits at this point. Is there anyway to build them in the short time that might remain being in this house?

Will review plan B. I am hopeful he will find it in his heart to move past this. Just don't see a glimpse of that at the moment.

Today is my daughters B-Day and his only request is that there be no drama, and that we dedicate it to her.

Found this about Plan B (if you read this post you'll see we both separated from our lovers, the issue is that my husband may not be able to accept my past actions/lies):

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

I am the "more" unfaithful spouse and he is too. I cannot see how separation will help - only with "out of sight out of mind
part - sadly. My OM relationships are long over - he knows that the deception is the problem.

--- his last words were that we should separate
--- his message before that
"Count that your marriage is over. We live together as friends until that doesn't make sense anymore. Don't touch me or waive your hands. We both made mistake, except I can't move past what you did for now. Maybe in a week, two , a month, maybe not. You are free to go look for your happiness elsewhere, as long as kids don't know. Good luck. Don't send me text messages unless they are bout kids or I'll block you....
--- my response
Ok. This was a long time ago. If we cannot speak about this we are doomed from he start. I understand that you need time.... and I don't want to convince you to anything. You know that I love you and how much, and I told you in advance that what I'm about to tell you may cost me my marriage. that is the last thing I want. My happiness is next to you and my kids. Give me a chance to show you that and that you can trust me again.
--- his response
We are not doomed we are friends. Strike 2. One more message about this and you are blocked. Sorry - I don't any intention to waste my time on this discussion. We are friends and I don't want any more than that.


I will order his closet and do small things around the house. Would that be Ok? Anything else I can do to not appear annoying?