He took all of our photos from FB, and asked me to take mine down of him and our family. He said I don't want others to see them. I don't want to do that.


The first time I did told him the truth - he has done the same thing and exposed me through my account. I never exposed him. Now it may seem just like a revenge.

I was planning to post our family picture instead.

Crossroads, if you confessed e truth to me and dismissed it as "being in the past" I would not give you another chance. You have played trickle truth, have lied to him and have subjected him to a false recovery which was worse than the initial discovery. He has every right to decide to leave the marriage. He does not owe you anything.

Talk of Plan B is absolutely inappropriate and has no place in this situation. How about you cool your jets and stop making the situation worse?

"Ok. This was a long time ago. If we cannot speak about this we are doomed from he start. I understand that you need time.... and I don't want to convince you to anything"

You are doomed when you say thoughtless, stupid things like this. You not only committed adultery but you lied and lied about it, compounding the crime. Ad you have the NERVE to try to dismiss it by saying it was a long time ago?? that just means you lied LONGER.

The Plan B recommendation would be for your safety only. You can�t recover your M in a hostile angry environment of abuse. That�s a call you have to make. I know what you mean though, if we separated after my wife TTd the full details of her second A, we would NOT be on the road to recovery. I think I would be able to cope just fine on my own and would feel better eventually. Truth is, two months later and I feel better anyway WITHOUT having to worry about divorce and child custody. And yes, I told her to �get the he77 out of my house�go back to your POSOM�his sorry, old a$$ would be happy to have a sweet young slut in his bed every night�you make me sick to look at you�. She actually called him that night and was making arrangements to go back to him but noticed he was freaked out. He didn�t want this. It was supposed to be fun, not like this.

My point is, I don�t know much about your sitch, but the way you describe your H reactions are very similar to mine. I have to apologize for it now, but I don�t think we would be on the road to recovery if she didn�t take a few across the chin, figuratively. You may be doing the best thing you can do right now.

One thing that helped for me was my W meeting my non-intimate needs when I was violently opposed to her meeting the intimate ones. Picking up the house and making sure the kids were in bed early. A secret I later revealed to her was that even though I HATED (yes, hated) her for a couple weeks, I could not help but recognize she was meeting my non-intimate needs. Physical attractiveness is number 3 on my EN list, so all she had to do was look good and it put �silent deposits� in my $LB. Most men have that as one of their top five, so whatever you do, don�t chase him around in your pajamas apologizing. I know it sounds shallow to someone not fully aware of the MB concepts, but it really helped me. Organizing his closet may not be a great idea, it borders on affection, an intimate need. Example: my wife tried to pack my lunch two days after D-day. Really pissed me off.

Another �mistake� my W made was giving me the EN questionnaire from this site a few days after D-day. I said something like, �Oh! So you get to sleep around AGAIN, put me through this terrible living nightmare, then give me HOMEWORK?� I say it was a �mistake� because that turned out to be a saving grace for me. I tossed the questionnaire because I didn�t have any faith in some �crap� my wife downloaded off the internet. I�m a curious guy though and later looked for it on my own, so I could see what it was without showing my W I was interested. That�s what brought me to MB, which I can plainly see is saving my marriage (hopefully).

Where our stories differ is that I never had an affair so I wonder if some (or much) of what he is saying is fogbabble. I couldn�t say. Is it possible that he has his OW on the backburner? Was his A physical? Do you think you have the full truth there? I wouldn�t worry about the porn for now. I know it�s a big deal to you but you can�t ask for that EP until he comes to the bargaining table. That is your challenge. My recommendation is give him time, meet non-intimate ENs, and possibly get him onto MB without directly suggesting it (leave browser open or an LB questionnaire sorta hidden in plain sight). Do NOT send him here until you verify his A is dead, you may need snooping help later. You�ve been warned on this.

Plan b has NO place in this discussion. Crossroads, you need to focus on rendering AIDE to your husband, rather than being cocky and entitled. You don't have to tolerate abuse but this situation warrants compassion, NOT talk of plan b.

He just suggested that he wants to move out tonight for 5-6 days until dust settles. He wants nobody to know or kids to feel. He wants to come back home during evenings and weekends.

I will try to ask him to stay but will stay out of his way.

I realize I have no right to keep him.

Just to be clear, Melody has uncovered the crux of the issue. You aren�t ready to tow the line if you continue minimizing the damage you caused. I was premature with a plan B discussion, concerned that your safety was in question. No more plan B talk. Sorry.

My advice is just what worked to get ME to the bargaining table, to accept my W's aide. If he ever gets there, you have got to be ABSOLUTLY ready to answer EVERYTHING, and take FULL responsibility for the harm you caused. Then bend over backwards to fix the M starting with his healing that he desparately needs. Anything less�yeah, he could rightfully walk. I didn�t...my W TT me to death which is the primary reason I�m cursed with resentment.

What is TT?

I will tell him if I become a nusence he can leave - as part of the negotiation.

Tell me a bit more about rendering AIDE please? How do I do that? What do I need to do.

crossroad, did your husband ever send a NC letter to the OW? Like the one from SAA - not just "stop" talking to her? Did he change his contact info?

It is very possible that he is still in contact with her and may also be why he wants to move out.

I would suggest exposing his affair to family and friends. When you do so, explain that you have both betrayed each other in the marriage but that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage a safe and happy one and that you would appreciate their support in obtaining that.

This includes telling your children. They should not be in the dark about what is going on in their lives. Children will invariably blame themselves for problems between Mommy and Daddy. You need to tell them the REAL reasons.

TT is trickle truth. It's when the truth is withheld and trickled out over time. It is horrific for a WS to go through because the pain never seems to be stop and heal before you get hit with more. That is why it is best to be honest in the very beginning giving the BS ALL of the information.

No he didn't but promisses not to do it.
He asked me not to contact anyone and especially to tell the kids. I am afraid not to respect that wish.

Trickle Truth (TT) - (noun) A series of increasingly distressing partial truths designed to minimze the discomfort of the truth teller at the expense of the receiver. After mutiple "truths" the receiver begins to wonder when the next on will come out and how bad it will be, often left with the feeling that they will NEVER get to the bottom of this pit of depair. The teller says, "look I came clean", while the receiver recognized he/she was told the "truth" in the most selfish, entitled, thoughtless way. It's hard to get past.

I just had a trickle truth delivered LAST MONTH from my W's first affair in 2007. I visualize it as her pulling out my small intestine through a singular hole in my abdoman, thinking, "Oh my God, she's pulling out my small intestine...this hurts so bad...why won't she stop...she has to know this is killing me...just shoot me in the head...why am I letting her do this...ahhh!"



I saw this posted on another thread. I liked it. Change the She to He. It doesn't give specifics, but it's the mindset you need to attain.

But it was NOT a long time ago. You remained in contact with OM for 7 years! You refer to him as your first love and as your friend. That is particularly offensive to a betrayed spouse. A friend??

Furthermore, your claims that you cannot remember the details of the past are not believable.

Your WH will never move past the resentment as long as you continue to say things that minimize your own actions. If my own FWH had said the things that you say, my response would have been "do I have STUPID stamped on my forehead?"

You are giving your WH fuel to justify his own affair.

I realize that was a big mistake. At that time I thought it would help ease the pain and thought I could live with that. Now I can't take back the TT effect. He wants to move out and see how things go over the next 5-6 days.

I am asking him to stay but won't bug him and will leave him alone. Just us and the kids.

What else can I do to help him through this?

Just be as compassionate as possible. I would apologize for minimizing this new info by saying it happened a long time ago. The longer ago it happened, the WORSE the effect.

Trickle truth is a form of torture where a victimizer plays head games with her victim by giving him partial truths and then teasing him with bits and pieces later after he thinks he has the full truth.

Plan B is to protect you until he decides, no matter what he decides.

crossroad, I would get the book Surviving an Affair, present it to him, and see if he wants to check out a way to make things work. If he does not, you may have a very serious uphill climb and you need to begin looking at how to protect yourself with Plan B.

When did your B/WH's affair start and does he still see or remain in contact with the OW?