You have 6 people in a 3 person house.
I would have a family meeting and say that this living arrangement is untenable in the long run. Grandma needs some help but can pay for an apartment, and DS21 and DS19 need some support but can help out grandma. You will pay the deposit and will help them look at some apartments. You do expect to be helping them move by the end of the Month.

The Harley's read my letter on the radio show today!

Lots of good ideas and a lot of things for me to think over. They did pretty much confirm what I was already thinking about the situation.

Brainhurts, can you find the link? Can a link be posted for the current show, or do we have to wait until it goes into the archives?

Also, is it possible to permanently download the broadcast onto my computer so I can listen to it again and have my husband listen to it when he gets home from work tonight?

What was the advice, writer? Would you mind summing it up, please? I won't be able to listen until much later.

I need to go back to listen to it again.

Basically the advice was to follow the POJA, and since neither me nor my husband are enthusiastic about my mom living with us, then she shouldn't.

They said my husband and I should sit down and brainstorm ideas about how to solve the problem until we come up with a solution that we are both enthusiastic about.

Joyce suggested that my mother might be depressed, and I fully agree with that. She said it might help to talk to my mother's doctor about her depression and see if medication might be necessary. My mother has a doctor's appointment next week, and this is something I've been wanting to discuss with her doctor. I don't think it's possible for someone to spend 17+ hours a day in bed and not be depressed.

Dr. Harley didn't seem to think it would be a good idea to continue having my mother live with us even if the depression was addressed. He was of the opinion that our marriage is under enough stress due to our situation with our OC as it was. He did say that possibly, if my mother could baby sit and that would allow my husband and I to get in the necessary UA time out of the house, it could work. But in our circumstances, he didn't recommend it. My mom does baby sit, but since her idea of baby sitting is watching TV in her room while DD5 watches TV in the living room, I'm not okay doing that for 15 hours a week.

That's all I remember for now. I'm going to listen to it again when DD takes her nap.

You can listen to it from the listen now tab until tomorrow's show. As soon as it hits the archives I will post it.

Not by normal means, but I did capture a copy of the current stream and have it as an MP3 if it would help you to have it now. I'm not sure if it's OK to post a link to the file or if it's best to wait until it's archived. If there's not a problem with posting early I will do so. I've edited it down to just your part of the broadcast.

He also said that your problem is a really tough one. He said that whatever solution you and your husband come up with, your mother isn't going to like it but that shouldn't matter. He said your mother shouldn't be living with you even if she was a wonderful person, because the OC situation is such a big issue in your marriage. He said you husband needs to be on board with raising the OC via POJA, and that he suspected that your husband already was.

Word.

Yes he did.

I don't think the OC situation is that big of an issue in my marriage at this point. I know that might be difficult for some to believe. My husband is very on board with raising my OC. In fact, he would be very offended if someone referred to her that way. They are very close. He considers her his daughter and nothing less. And legally, he is. His name is on the birth certificate. OM has never even seen her and we've been completely NC for years. He lives 3000 miles away on the other side of the country and is remarried (last I heard, which was four years ago). He really doesn't figure into our lives at all.

I didn't get into the background with my affair and OC too much in my letter to the Harley's, simply because there wasn't enough time to cover everything and that isn't really the issue we are struggling with right now. Though I would like to consult the Harley's at some point about how to tell OC about her biological father. I'm still unsure when and how to approach this. But I'm just trying to deal with one issue at a time.

You've just said a lot about an issue that Dr Harley said very little about, and nothing at all about the issue that you wrote to him about - your mother living with you.

Dr H mentioned your daughter really only to say that an OC is a big enough challenge on your marriage without this extra stress. However, he made a very specific recommendation about your mother, which was to, first, accept that you are not mutually enthusiastic about her living with you and so, second, to brainstorm at least one idea per day each to find a resolution to that problem.

Are you going to suggest this your husband? Are you prepared to tell your mother (following the brainstorming) that she can no longer live with you? Will you take those steps to solve this problem?

I already gave an overview of the other advice the Harley's gave me yesterday. I was just addressing a part of the broadcast that I didn't mention yesterday because, yes, it was a very small part of the overall conversation. But someone else brought it up, so I addressed it.

Yes, we are going to follow the advice. My husband just listened to the broadcast last night before we went to bed. He's very much on board with brainstorming ideas until we come up with a solution.

About 6 posts before you posted this she talked about what Harley said about the mom issue

I apologise, writer.

I did read this. What I missed at the time was whether you and your H are willing to follow this advice, which you have answered now. Thank you.

My mom was admitted to the hospital this evening.

There is a preliminary diagnosis of metastatic cervical cancer with masses in her lungs, lymph nodes, right kidney, cervix and uterus.

I'm in shock. We thought she just had a UTI and maybe gallstones. I didn't see this coming at all and I have no idea how to even begin processing all of this.

Wow, that is sad and scary.

Be loving and know that is all you can expect of yourself right now.

Plenty of self care as well

Peace.

Give yourself some time, and allow the situation to unfold by itself. The time will come when you will know all the facts and have a much clearer idea what needs to be done. We offer you our sympathy at this horrible turn of events.

Oh writer, I'm praying for you!!!!! Take a deep breath. Take one day at a time, one hour if necessary. You can survive today. My favorite verse is Zeph 3:17 where it pictures us crawling into God's lap and him quieting us like a mother and singing over us. During my dad's illness I had to crawl into God's lap and cry a lot.

Next week or next month when you have had time, I will give you other advice about dealing with a loved one going through a chronic illness For now, I will just say that sometimes life stinks!!!!!!

I'm sorry to hear this, writer. Praying for you and all of your family.

I'm so sorry, writer.