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Well yesterday was our anniversary, I was trying to think all day what to get her that I know she would love. After thinking about for a while I decided to get her a card and some of her favorite fall flowers. I did not want to buy something where she thought I was trying to bribe. Well she liked the flowers and the card but really didn't show much enthusiastic. She looked very upset and depressed. I tried talking to her and she opened up a little more to me. He told me that I needed to understand that your whole life she has had conflicts with men. Starting out with her real father who left her, a step dad that she always fought with and several significant relationships where she had been hurt. I comforted her and told her I'm so sorry for my actions, I'm sorry I was not able to be the proper husband for you at that time.
After talking a little bit I asked her if she wanted to go out for an hour or so just me an her. She said no, so I asked again about a half hour later. She said sure but I don't want to give you the wrong idea, that this divorce is still going. Well we dropped off fine kids at soccer and our two little ones we took out to eat. We talked and laughed throughout dinner. After picking up one from soccer, bathing the little ones and doing homework it was to late to go out so we decieded to watch our favorite show together. She opened up more and was very talkative at first.
Throughout the show I was massaging her legs and we laughed and she brought up the divorce on how she can't change her mind and that she feels sorry for me that I'm trying this hard when she still has not seen any change and that she will be leaving. I really did not even listen to that cause I did not want to hear it. After the show I told her I was going to bed and gave her a kiss. About 10 minutes later I came out of the bedroom to get some water and she was getting up have her another hug asked her if she wanted to sleep in our bed and she said no and that she was sorry.
I went and got my water turned the lights off and walked back to bed and there she was in our bed. Very surprised i said thank you, she gave me some excuse that the dog was laying in her spot on our daughters bed. We talked some more, more about the divorce and she asked why I said hurtful things. I told her that she is very good at expressing her feelings and I am not, I would get frustrated and AO, I told her my actions are inexcusable. She then asked me what am I going to do when she leaves, I said cry! She then started to cry.
Getting a lot of mixed emotions right now from her, she still says I haven't change and I understand it is going to take time. We both agreed how a marriage should be and I told her I wanted it now to and I know how we can achieve it. She said why didn't you do that before my only answer was I was and idiot.
This morning I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her dearly!! Only response was you better hurry your going to be late for work! Sounds like some excellent needs meeting going on, well done.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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She was also saying during that time we were talking that she doesn't believe we our met for each other because we have different point of views on everything and that she thinks we are not soul mates. That really hurt to hear that because I know in the past when the love bank was full we were in love. She also said she does not hate me just does not have any love for me anymore and can not love me like a women should love her husband. Very harsh things to hear from a person you are in love with. However our point of view on how marriage should be was exactly how I wanted it to be. We both just did not work hard enough to achieve.
She is in deep withdraw mode, I miss her so much today and did not want to go to work, I hustled wanted to be next to her. Owen I really hope you have made SURE there is no affair. This sounds very much like the 'I love you but I am not in love you' speech all waywards give the betrayed spouse. Around here it is abbreviated to ILYBNILWY and Dr Harley has even done a radio show on how it almost always signifies an affair. It shows there is a NEW point of comparison. If she's never had a soul mate, how come she's an expert on how one feels now? If I were you I wouldn't take your detective hat off just yet.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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If I were you I wouldn't take your detective hat off just yet. I agree.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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She was also saying during that time we were talking that she doesn't believe we our met for each other because we have different point of views on everything and that she thinks we are not soul mates. That really hurt to hear that because I know in the past when the love bank was full we were in love. She also said she does not hate me just does not have any love for me anymore and can not love me like a women should love her husband. Very harsh things to hear from a person you are in love with. However our point of view on how marriage should be was exactly how I wanted it to be. We both just did not work hard enough to achieve.
She is in deep withdraw mode, I miss her so much today and did not want to go to work, I hustled wanted to be next to her. Here's an excerpt from my WW's ILYBNILWY email. I know I want to feel in charge of my life. The harsh truth is that I don�t know if I want to be away from you. I feel like I want you in my life, but not as my husband. I care deeply about you. But I would say, as of right now, that I am not in love with you.
I feel put down, possibly because of a difference in how we communicate or a difference in values. This, coupled with my natural personality tendencies, leads to me deferring to you to make big life decisions. Because I�m afraid of my choices being judged as wrong or inferior. This leads to resentment and disconnect. And so I start to pull away. It leads me to feeling relieved when you are away. And to tell you the truth, that�s how the whole affair with *POSOM#1* started. It didn�t start with me being attracted to someone else. It started when I realized I felt relieved when you were not around. I would stare at your picture and just try to feel something. Anything. Nope. I didn�t miss you. I wasn't sad. I wasn�t angry. I was totally disconnected.
Even after everything was out in the open and we�d made amends, I felt deep down that it was only a matter of time before it happened again. Let me be clear. I have not been unfaithful [edititorial note: at this time she was several months into an EA with POSOM#2 about one month prior to it turning PA]. But the closer the time came for you to go to ****, I realized I was once again starting to feel relieved by the idea of you being gone. And I think that was why I just sort of came unglued. I felt like �No!! How is this happening? Didn�t I do everything right? *MadMindMonkey* still sees me as being selfish, and now I�m emotionally in the same spot I was in years ago!
But then I start to think that this is too much to ask of you. Maybe too much to ask of anyone. This, coupled with the fact that I�ve never felt totally fulfilled in my role as a mother, leads me to think that maybe I�d be better off single. It's sad that so many of us BS have the ILYBNILWY speach/email burned into our heads knowing now how obvious the signs were. So, I hope there isn't some OM out there but you have to understand why alot of the replies direct you to keep your eyes and ears open. But, I will say that during the ILYBNILWY stage, I was unknowingly performing a Plan A of sorts and it seemed to work. Eventually it eroded away at her fantasy A with OM#2 to the point that she came clean and established NC herself. So you've got that going for you. It's seems like you are doing well there. Just keep being the best Owen you can be and NEVER succumb to an AO. It's harder than it sounds.
Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
Almost recovered and ahead of schedule
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No my detective hat is still on right now. I really dont think she is having an affair. She just hired family at her work and I have drove by there several times and only she is coming and going. When she was not at work she told me exactly where she was and I looked into and her story matched up. Even found the reciept in trash where she said she was going.
I honestly believe that she has had such bad experiences with men in the past and she thought I was someone different, someone she could confide in and trust with her whole heart. After the many years of us fighting and the withdrawls made from her love bank I think she finally came to terms that every man would never please her. When we would get into fights over the last few years we both always threaten divorce because we were both unhappy that our emotional needs were not being met.
She even said last night why all the sudden change when before we both argeed that this marriage made us both miserable and we both wanted out. I told her that before I was only thinking of my own needs and wants not hers and it took me to lossing your love to find MB and know that there could be a way for the both of us to find happiness once again. We drifted apart over the years simply by life going on around us. Young kids, careers, business ventures we never even had an hour of UA a week. These past few years SF was only done to sastify my needs and hers. Me working opposite shifts has her made matters even worse.
My wife is a very stubborn person, she hates feeling betrayed, she hates when people confide and use it against her. She is not having an affair I am sure. I simply was idiot who did not know how to handle my feeling which in turn I caused inexcusible pain for her. I betrayed my wife, I betrayed her trust, and she stood around for 8 years through all my crap I put her through. I only wish she would have expressed more and took charge so my eyes could have opened way sooner.
Now I'm playing catch up from my stupidty just hoping for that million an one chance!
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Owen,
I'll bet she'll give you that chance. Just be ready to make the best of it when she does. When you get her back above the romantic threshold, you'll know. Read up on Lovebusters, you can't afford a single one until she's there. You really can't afford any after either.
You can do it.
MMM
Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
Almost recovered and ahead of schedule
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Two suggestions.
Do more listening than talking. When you listen remember, you don't have to attempt to "solve" every problem she voices. You mostly need to hear her.
Replace "I was stupid." with "I didn't know a better way." Stupid suggests you'll do it again when you get complacent. Didn't know suggests you've learned.
Very good sign that she came to bed. When she tells you the D is still on, remember she told you she wasn't coming to bed. Goes to show how feelings can change.
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Well her is an update, the situation at home over the past few weeks has changed dramaticly. It started off after our anniversary as the same feelings of hopelessness as before. Until another fight occurred and I had another angry outburst toward my wife. She left with the kids the following night and stayed with her family for several days. After speaking with my therapist regarding our fight he told me to stay clear from her an shutdown all conversation with her. Upon her return I followed his instructions and shutdown. No eye contact, no speaking, only communicating via text.
A few days passed of this behavior an on the second night early in the morning my wife had broken down. She was so upset and hurt she was crying uncontrollably. This went on for a few hours before I intervened. We talked about our issues, how my angry outburst have affected her and she finally took some accountability of her actions as well. We talked through the night as I comforted her.
With very little sleep, I woke her up in the morning giving her gentle kisses and both talking about how confused we are and have been. After that conversation I began kissing her neck as she was responsive to it. Then we made the most intense love we have ever had in our whole relationship...twice. Over the next few days our love making as increased and we both have admitted it has been the best it has ever been.
She has agreed to go to therapy to work out some of her own personal issues along with working out the confusion of this marriage. We both agreed we needed a drastic change and this drastic measure of divorce has lead us to that change.
We are in love again, both scared and not 100% confident. I spoke to her again in regards to marriage builders and she is willing an eager to give it a try. I brought up the emotional needs and we both listed a few.
My question now is I don't want this in love feeling to ever go away again! What she we do first in marriage builders? We both agreed we need to know more about each other so I thought maybe the personal history questionnaire. After that I'm not sure. I really want this in love feeling to last and she wants the same.
Cane someone please provide a guideline as to the proper ways and steps to achieve this? As always I look forward to the replies!
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If discussing one lovebuster, AOs, has had such a dramatic step then I would suggest you start there.
Do the lovebuster worksheets together. Do you have the book?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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What in the world? Your therapist advised you to punish your wife when she came back after your AO? She finally broke down crying because of it and you let it go for several hours before "intervening" and ending with make-up sex? Then, the final analysis is that she needs therapy because she has issues with men and the implication that she caused your AO?
Personally, I would turn around and leave that mess.
I agree with Indie, quickly read Lovebusters and eliminate yours without any condition that she goes to a therapist or do things your way.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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She is taking crumbs. For reference, I just asked a 4 year old girl, what a man should do if he has yelled at a woman. She answered that he should say he was sorry. Please lose the therapist. This person is obviously not qualified. That is the most abhorrent advice I have ever heard. When your wife buys into this abusive technique, she isn't doing you a favor. Read up on the classic abuse cycle. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuseDr Harley does not recommend that you use abusive tactics to manipulate and bully your spouse into submission. AO is abusive and so is ignoring her. If you are still in some kind of a state of intimacy, you should lose no time and do the following: 1. Sincerely appologize for the way you handled this. 2. Ask her for help to become the husband she always wanted. 3. Take on anger management. 4. Ask her to fill out the love busters questionnaire and ask her to be honest, or better do it together and do not argue with her about what's she considers love busting. 5. EN are also important, but without losing the LB you will drain her love bank in no time.
Last edited by happyheart; 10/27/13 01:59 AM.
me, DH
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