Did you drive by? What do you mean "it is over"? For you or him? Are you suggesting that if his A is still active you aren't going to try to save your M?

crossroad, over or not, the affair is a terrible thing for your children. You should find out for sure if it is on, and then you should expose it. If it is still on, expose that; if it is not on, expose that there was previously an affair.

Your children NEED to know. His family should know. Your clergy should know. Lots of people should know.

I'm trying to look back on your thread - it looks like we urged you to expose EVERYTHING: your affair, his affair. It looks like your response was to just tell him the rest of the truth about your affair. No exposure. You need to take action. Even if it is "over" or he says it is "over" or you think it is "over" you need to be working on the best possible future - and to get there, all of the stuff that happened needs to be publicly exposed.

Just doing the things that you want will not work. It never does. MB is not a Chinese Restaurant where you get to pick for column A and column B. You have to use all of the MB tools.

Hi all,
Last night was... I begged him to stay, no answer to my messages, pleads, and then he stepped out of the house and went for a run without telling me where he is going. I was writing text after text after text. No response. I then told him I�ll tell the kids not because I want to keep him but because I believe they need to know asap so not to blame themselves. I am that kid of divorced parents and I know when they fought I wanted to listen and find out what happened � my nights were sleepless. He was upset, and ultimately I found out today that is the reason he stayed the night.
When he got back and I took my pillow and blanket and told him he should stay in the bedroom and I can be in the kitchen. I will not contact him... Then I got a text. Loaded texts with everything and great understanding of who I am, and where our issues (well mine) are. After a long time of texting, he told me to come over and we were intimate. But then the worst happened. He said he wants to be able to take kids to tennis where she coaches (means no contact but passing by), and it back fired, I told him no and the argument started. He took my shoes (which he bought for me, and very expensive ones) cut them up and through at me, then proceeded to him me with a pillow. I picked up the phone and called the police. Officers were here, we explained what happened (he hit me three months ago before the affair; I slapped him two days ago, and now this). He left for the night while officers were here. Then he called having nowhere to go and he got back home. We reconciled and talked for another couple of hours.
This morning was rough too.
---
Today,
� I order the book �Surviving an Affair� as fast shipping.
� He sent me a list of Marriage Counselors that I will review and choose from. We need help desperately. He wants to go to counseling ASAP (after D-Day he didn�t; I can see why now 100%)
� I am most concerned about the kids. Is there an article I can pass along to him to consider?
� I took a half day from work. Want to make him his favorite pastry.
� I still believe I should write a letter to of NC to my OMs. Though I talked to him about the concept he said it is not necessary to go through that step. He knows it�s over. It is the lying part that is killing him. He lost all faith in me, and resentment will haunt him if he ever gets over. I am a burden to him. I trust that he loves me and that he will not contact OW. This is not about him rather about me, my OMs.
� I have not exposed his affair still. I know the point here is to stop him from going to his OW but I have no right after 7 years of hanging around OM in some shape or form. I trust that he will make no contact as I've been checking all of this time and no contact. Hate that he keeps bringing it up even as a joke. I�d like him to agree that I will start telling everyone not because of the OW, but because we need support from our family. This can backfire and family might take sides. I don�t want that. That is a complication I want to try and avoid. My thinking is to start slow� To go to counseling with him and then start telling everyone.
- Downloading all the MB forms to complete and will ask him to do the same

Please read.
Infidelity:The Lessons Children Learn

crossroad, you are not following the plan or Dr. Harleys concepts. Why ask for advice here if you are not going to take it? I hope you get the book soon and start reading and following the program as soon as possible. Maybe you will understand why you need to do what Dr Harley tells you to then and hopefully it won't be too late.

Good luck to you

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

Here




here

here

____________

Thank you. I will highlight key parts and leave on the table.

I want to suggest Telephone counseling through MB to my husband. I am afraid that finding this post may cause further anger.

I think that is an excellent idea.

Have you exposed his affair yet? Exposed on OW's side?
Told your children yet?

You need to kill the affair.

Hi all,
It's day 9 since my TT. It is harder than ever. His behaviour towards me is not letting go - offensive, angry. I offered to provide more details. He refused. Not sure what I can do to ease his pain? It's not looking hopeful at this point. Today he had written a divorce settlement. He continued to offend after I asked him not. He offered to go to the hotel and I asked him to stay and give this a shot without talking about others. Looks like his 'why' us not clear yet. He is not ready for MB recovery yet.

Any thought on how to swim through this phase and how it may look like from your experience are helpful.

Crossroad, after you've asked him to stay, has he been staying?

Has your copy of Surviving an Affair that you ordered arrived yet? If so, what do you think of it?

Yes, I know that this is very hard. I'm sorry for all of the BS and WS pain that weeps onto this forum.

Hi,
My copy arrived yesterday.

I�m reading the chapter about Resentment, and others. He has stayed but it is hard to talk to him. He mentioned leaving yesterday again but stayed. I told him honestly why it would be a wrong move � chance to sort things out away from my sight is a sign of giving up and left on his own he will build more negative thoughts than positive.

He says he loves me but has a really hard time accepting this especially given my repeated offense. That is the toughest part. I repeated the offense several times, so how can I say I felt bad about it. The truth is I did feel bad about it - terrible for months but when faced with OM again, far away from my H some of the feelings kept back up on the surface, even though the relationship was practically over and both OM and I knew we will not be together, but we decided to be together one more time . Then the same thing happened a few years after with a kiss under the influence � for the sake of old times . That same year I found myself in the situation with OM2 � the one night stand. That is a killer for him. I didn't improve my behavior nor did I give a chance for our relationship to improve. I admitted that keeping this a secret was a wrong thing to do. My thoughts were not around a chance for him to improve or us, but if he finds out that he'll leave me.

Wish I had a way to explain this better to him, to clarify why I did what I did.

He said he gave us a chance after his A to improve. I didn�t agree with that as he didn�t intend to reveal his affair to me. He said somehow he knew I will find out, but he didn't volunteer the information. He continued to text her until the day I confronted him (only two days later after we saw each other). I discovered his affair, confronted him after in a meaningful way with proofs and he told me everything at that point. His A may�ve repeated if I didn�t find out, but we�ll never know that will we.

In any rate my deception is longer than his and that is what matters. His resentment is huge. Whatever I say (I love you, or about the affair) sound untruthful and minimizes the act or is a sign of disrespect for what he's going through.

Wish he would just stop going to FB and looking at pictures of OM. That sets us back two steps every time. I asked him several times but he can�t help it. Not sure how I should behave. He wants to be left alone at times and building Love Units is difficult to do without him around. I made him his favorite walnut role and that helped, build some.

Any chance that you can read the book together? Either one at a time reading a small section and then talking about it? Or what H and I do is read out loud together. We rarely make it through an entire page without stopping to talk. and talk. And talk.

It took me a good two months before it was really "safe" for H to talk with me. Affairs are the most painful thing that spouses can ever do to each other. I found MB but wasn't really able to stop talking about the A or stop my AOs until some kind posters here told me that I had to (and pointed out WHY I had to). All along though, my WS supported me and cared for me and helped as much as possible with my pain. It just takes time. I rarely think of leaving now...well, maybe once per week at the bottom of the rollercoaster ride...but I do NOT tell him my thoughts about leaving any more.


It sounds like you BOTH had zero boundaries around the OS. That has to change and now, or else you will be right back where you started. My H and I both have GPS on our cell phones now. H does not go anywhere alone right now besides work (he had a 12 yr A). Neither of us engage in any conversation except for pleasantries with the OS. Even at the checkout counter, when a woman asks H, "Hello, how are you?", he now answers "I am fine, thanks" and drops it and looks AWAY...rather than answering "I am fine, and you?" because THAT opens him up to too much personal info from the checkout person (that was always a problem for us...H just LOVED it when women he didn't even know would tell him their life story at the drop of a hat, ugh).

You and your H are going to need to work out your own Extraordinary Precaution list. When my H and I were coming up with ours, I insisted that my list be almost as tight as his, because Dr. H and others here on the forums have said that it is very common for the BS to get involved in a revenge A.


I also could not stop looking at photos and emails after discovering my H affair. I finally stopped after this board pointed out that all of that stuff triggers me (duh...). I was obsessed, almost as if I could NOT believe it unless I saw it. Maybe stages of grief, I dunno, but it was NOT healthy for ME, let alone for our recovery.


Where is he when he wants to be left alone?

Yes, I imagine that little thoughtful things will help him the most. Good job.

One thing that helped me after such devastation, is that once we found MB and learned about UA time, my H planned some really off the wall different and exciting activities that we had never done together before. He put some real thought into things and while I never felt like going with him...once I got there, I couldn't help but to have fun. Not expensive things...just things close by. He planned a couple hour lake cruise on a beautiful sunny but cool day, a trip to an aquarium, a trip to a beach, etc.

I never saw your answers. Did you answer these?

Thanks a million for this post BlindSighted! I read it, and rushed to make him a nice pot roast, picked up the house and set the table. You saved me. Before that I asked him in an email to stop, but an end to agony so we can move forward with our lives. When he came back with all that resentment I went to another room but nicely yet firmly asked him to have dinner with the kids. He refused at first, but eventually gave in...

The next thing I know he was with me in the bedroom hugging, we both cried, it was so profound, the hurt on both sides - it was beautiful. We made love, cried and repeated. I felt his pain and felt terrible for what I've done. I know he felt this.

Next day...

I love yous arrived, many kisses etc. I am so happy. My husband has not paid that much attention to me in years. Compliments were never there... And now - it's amazing.

He is doing great. He told me he figured a strategy to get rid of the pain, and promised to share in couple of days...


For me, on the other hand, agony started again yesterday afternoon despite all the loving gentle words from my H. Now I'm confused, is his recovery too quick, how come? Why, am doubting his love. I continue with my sleepless nights (we are sleeping in the same bed as H and OW) - why does that continue to bother me so much?! I see them on my couch too. It is haunting me. How come he doesn�t feel disgusted that he is sleeping with me in the same bed? He is able to put my A behind him so quickly (mine was is another country), and I'm struggling with his (in my home). The bed is brand new and costs a pretty penny it would be crazy to throw it away - I did buy some nice sheets and replaced 'their' stuff, but still - images are driving me nuts.

I figured focusing on myself and my well-being is critical, and that frankly is not going that well at the moment.

I asked him today what the strategy was, and he said some advice his late father gave him, and that in any rate he firmly decided not to put the past behind and to work on making tomorrow better.

Makes a lot of sense to me and those words make me happy to hear. He is on his way - thank God!... And, I want to join him, too.

Hi crossroad, I'm so glad that you and your H had a nice evening and a bit of a truce, but PLEASE take heed of other poster's warnings to NOT take any shortcuts. Dr. H has pointed out time and again that there is only a very narrow margin for recovery from an A, and you and your H are both suffering.

The As must be exposed. Extraordinary Protections must be in place. That bed must go, you dont need a trigger like that around.

You two have quite a bit of work ahead of you. I'm so happy that you both are feeling hope, but you both must be all in and taking the entire MB program as serious as you've ever taken anything in your lives.

I'm writing from my iPad so won't be too lengthy. I just wanted to send you this quick note.

Are you two reading Lovebusters together?

Oh, and you MUST still snoop to be certain that your H's affair is over. Continue to snoop for months. You must have access to all of his passwords (and his yours), etc.

Since you're ignoring my questions I will post this.

False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience