Hi everyone. I have been married now for 5 years, we lived together for 2 years previous to that. in the beginning there was an open sexual relationship, which I regret now, but our own sex life has died off over the years between me not being emotionally present in the marriage very often and a pornography addiction on my part. This distanced us quite a bit. whenever shed want my attention or my time, I'd push her away(something I am deeply ashamed of now that I see things in a clearer light). eventually she got a job that required her to work nights in a nearby town, where I worked in town during the day. we really saw each other hardly at all, and the opportunities to see each other I wasted by not being home. during this time outside of my knowledge she started an emotional and sexual affair with a coworker. this continued for over a year without my knowing.

During that time we bought our first house( a pretty big stressor on my part) and while buying a house she was pregnant with our first child. he is now 5 months old and I think having him brought us closer together for alot of reasons. One being that I fell in love with my wife all over again seeing in her the qualities I first saw so many years ago, as well as our time together increasing immensely, with her being home and then starting a job in town during the same hours I work. we spend pretty much all of our time off work together, we are usually pretty happy (unless the issue of the ongoing affair comes up). We work together like we never have before, we laugh, I'm head over heels in love with her, maybe more now than I ever have.

Im also hyper aware of the things I did wrong for so many years that pushed her away. The issues we currently face though, is that she isn't comfortable or ready to end this affair, she originally said she would, but it caused depression not being in contact, and the contact continued and eventually she admitted it.

we're fairly early in this situation, having only discovered the affair a month and a half ago. Also our sex life which was in disrepair (mostly for things I did wrong as far as Im aware) she has said she wants to slowly rekindle it, and we have made some slow progress I think in that regard, still not really having much if any sexual encounters. I'm concerned the ongoing affair will prevent her from regaining sexual attraction to me, as well as what I feel is an addiction to her lover being a hard thing to break. She doesn't see it that way obviously, but I see so many signs that match what I've read.

I've asked her to tell me what emotional needs I'm not meeting that they are, that I can work on that. She didnt know at first, but eventually I got the answer of "stability" in that no matter the situation, this lover(married) has the same feelings towards her, where I have come and gone in our relationship(this is true, in the past, previous to having a child, I have backslid alot.) I'm trying to make myself more appealing to her than him, but with daily stressors, and the occasional uncomfortable/depressing/stressful/heated discussion about our situation, I think I sometimes push her further. in the first few weeks it was every day or so and often ended in her wanting to seperate. that has calmed as I realised what I was doing, and Im working on being more patient.

I wanted to know if there was anything in this situation people think I could be doing to help. we have began counseling as well, we've had only one couple meet and one individual meet each so far.

Cableland, you both need to put in place extreme extraordinary precautions to prevent any further affairs and start your matrriage over on the right track. To start with:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Did you have an affair as well? Or only the porn addiction?

I had a one night stand that she discovered, 5 years ago. These policies sound nice, unfortunately there is no room right now for ultimatums like that. She is unready, and I love her too much and don't blame her enough( I know that my actions created the feelings that this was needed) to leave her if she didnt meet those demands. Between the early emotional meltdowns, sulleness and sudden smothering from what I thought were good intentions, I dont think Ive created the feelings and good will needed to make her feel safe moving forward yet with those steps.

Hi Cableland, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here. The first thing you need to do is kill her affair. This is all hopeless unless you do that. Marital recovery is impossible until she ends all contact FOR LIFE with this rat.

So, you must start there. The affair has to end. Not later, but NOW.

Does your wife have the full story about your affair?

Do you have any contact whatsoever with your former affair partner? None at all, only had a few texts and one physical contact.

Has your wife's affair been exposed? If so, to whom? If not, why not? It's not been exposed to anyone. I haven't done that because when it first came out, her first instict was that we should separate when I pushed her to end it, and I'm not sure if I expose it she won't just push me out.

Does she still work with her affair partner & see him on a regular basis (or does she see him at all)? She doesnt work with him, she talks and texts to him very frequently, and sees him a few times a month. This is very much an ongoing affair.

Those aren't mere rhetorical questions; what are your answers?

You are being an enabler, and enabling is not an act of love. It is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. Your complacence reflects a lack of caring. Women who have affairs appreciate a spouse who will do everything to stop them from engaging in destructive behavior. Just sitting there doing nothing is unattractive and she will not appreciate your complacence when she comes out of the affair fog. Just like an alcoholic does not appreciate his enablers after he sobers up. He fondly remembers and appreciates those who CARED ENOUGH to help him.

Do you care enough about your wife to help her by killing her affair?

If you want to save your marriage, you are going to get to work, my friend. The longer you allow this to go on, the more entrenched it becomes and the harder it will be to save your your marriage. Every day that goes by the odds increase that she will leave you for this guy.

She will remember your complacence when the fog rolls off.

WE are not here to be nice, but to save marriages. We know how to save marriages, you don't.

So, let me make sure I have this right... you've come up with this theory that you can love & entice an addict out of an addiction by being nicer & more attentive to her; and that you can love an affairee out of an affair while it's ongoing?

Have you got any basis of experience for that theory?

Cableguy, that's like betting you can cure an alcoholic while taking her to a tavern each day for lunch. (You do get that affairs are addictions, don't you? If not, that's the first thing you need to get; and if you don't get it, your efforts aren't going to work.)

Sir, I'm sorry to tell you, I've seen an affair from the inside; 5 years ago this month, I got myself into one. Almost blew up my marriage to the best woman on this planet. But I've also seen saving a marriage from the inside. Today, we have one of the better marriages on the planet. So are you gonna tell me you know more than me about what it takes to end an affair in a way such that a marriage can be rebuilt, and about what you ought to be doing? That'd be a little rich, dontcha think?

Hang with me here, 'cuz I'm asking tough questions that need to be asked ('cuz you're in a tough situation): Are you looking for validation for Cableland's Way of saving a marriage (even though Cableland hasn't been through that process successfully & doesn't really know what to do)? Or are you looking to actually give yourself the best odds of saving your marriage? Which is it?

Look, I'm not harshing on ya here -- far from it! I can validate your fears. I can validate your apprehensions. I'm sorry for what you're suffering, and I can empathize with you; and as a former Other Man, I have no standing to ever criticize you for feeling however you feel. But validation from me isn't gonna mean cold spit to you 5 years down the road. Saving your marriage might mean more.

So: Do you want to give yourself the best odds of saving your marriage, or not?

ML is an expert here, listen to her advice.

Your wife is living in a fantasy world and completely oblivious to the reality of the situation. You mentioned the OM is married, she is currently just his woman on the side for sex but in her mind she is more. Its called the 'fog' and its similar to the fantasy that drug addicts live in.

She will fight you getting in the way of her Affair (addiction) similar to a drug addict because she doesn't see things clearly. You must bring her back to reality before you can repair your marriage. As long as she is allowing the OM to satisfy her needs then she will keep you cutoff. This sounds drastic but it is 100% true.

Exposure is the best tool to combat an Affair. A's thrive on secrecy and getting it out in the open will force WW (wayward wife) and OM (other man) to deal with the consequences of their actions. You should definitely expose to OM's wife, she can help intervene with the A from her side just as you will. The key is to kill the A at all costs, rebuilding the marriage is not possible until this is accomplished.

Thanks, txstunnedman.

Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, in Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

CableLand, have you done a DNA test to ensure that your child is actually yours, and not the OM's? It's not uncommon for a wayward spouse to pass the child of an affair off as the child of her spouse.

It doesn't matter if he has 'your ears' or 'your eyes' - have you done a DNA test? It's very simple and takes no time. AND your wayward wife doesn't have to know about it.

You need to expose her affair, especially to the OM'S BW.