We have been married 24 yrs it has been okay.<BR>The last 8 years have been pretty good. My wife just reveal to me she had an affair 18 yrs ago with her 1st love. She said they only had sex 3x's. She said they used protection the 1st 2x's and on the 3rd occasion she realized when they finished he had not worn any. Well she became pregnant and had an abortion without anyone knowing. She wrote him a letter a couple months after the abortion and he did not respond. They have ahd no contact since.<P>She said she had planned to take it to her grave without telling me, but she felt out marriage was being stifled because of the secret and her wanted it to be all that it could be. <P>To me it is as though it was yesterday and I have all these mental pictures racing though my mind because we all graduated together from a very small school. So I can picture him and her personally. <P>These are what I am dealing with:<BR>1 My wife has always been very precise in what she does and for her not to insist on protection, I cannot fathom.<P>2 I never thought she could do such a thing becuase she has alway had her life together.<P>3 For me not suspect anything, I must have been really stupid. <P>4 I feel I should do something about it but what? It is 18 yrs in the past and she has been a very good wife and mother.<P>Any one been here before? if so please give advice.<P>Chev

hii chev, there are some on this board that are dealing with single affairs from the past. In my case it was multiple affairs over a 21 yr time period, the first in 1978. <BR>It is my experience that though the partner may feel it was long ago, the person receiving the info feels quite different. It feels like it was yesterday-and it hurts just the same as any affair. In this case time never did heal her wound because she kept it from the person she loves and cares deeply for. YOU. You are the most important person and she came forward to tell you this.<BR>I am very impressed and amazed. This takes an incredible amount of courage on her part, and shows her deep love and respect for you.<BR>Abortion would be a pretty hot issue around here! I am not sure if the abortion is a problem for you? Are you having feelings that you may have fathered the child? Or is this part of the reference to being stupid for not knowing? In an uncomplicated abortion the spouse may well not know anything had occurred. <BR>No need for you to feel duped or feel stupid. YOu can always wonder how I never figured it all out for 21 yrs!! Now that is pretty dense...but I truly did not know. Just as you did not have any idea!!!!! People in affairs become pretty creative and can be totally convincing, especially if the spouse was comfortable in the marriage. Don't blame yourself for one second for not noting anything. <BR>Chev, this is hard to deal with, but you and your wife will make it through this by communicating. She has already shown the willingness to be open and share her past with you. You need to make sure you do not attack her or hold it against her. This will be crucial in your healing. You can talk about it without disresepcting her, you can share the feelings associated without lovebusting. You need to show her that you can be compassionate and forgiving.<BR>You also have permission to be angry and feel violated. But be careful how you share that with your wife....best to share that elsewhere. Work it out of your sytem if you need to-exercise is great for this. <BR>best wishes, cl

Hi chev, it is very important to remember that the pain you feel is not a deliberate attempt on your spouses part to injure you. when my wife went away and lived in an apartment with another man she was not trying to hurt me. Our enemy was trying to destroy our marriage. you must decide now years later if you are going to let him succeed or fight him with prayer, forgiveness, and the plan tha Dr. Harley has developed.

chev,<P>Sounds like she repented. So forgive her. It sounds normal for you to be hurt, and you are not stupid. She needs you to be her husband more than ever now. <P>Good luck<BR><P>------------------<BR>Eph 6:12