|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
By the way these spying devices are illegal here in my state I seriously doubt that. What state is that?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Are either of these men married?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
Fordman,
Please hire a PI have him trail your wife after work, if there is anything going on he will get you the goods.
BTW everyone here will be happy to be proved wrong if your W is not having an affair.
God Bless
Gamma
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 30
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 30 |
Yes yes yes. What I need is intimate conversation ideas. My mind is so messed up I can't think. EA guy is long distance and she is disgusted by him. Remorseful. Work place guy is gone for good. Please help with ideas for live deposits. She doesn't want to talk about dating right now. She did not go Thursday.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 30
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 30 |
I have and am still reading every day I have not bought his needs her needs yet. My issue is I have smothered her and taken my insecurities out on her. I need to only start depositing love units. Her bank is empty with them and full of withdrawls
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294 |
Best you read LoveBusters too. For every LBer you commit you undo all the LB deposits you put in. So eliminate LBs first, while working on meeting her needs.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Plan A all carrot (meeting needs) and no stick (exposure, EPs, NC with affair partners), doesn't work. That's why there has been multiple affairs in this case and that's why there has been no progress.
Your W is going to remain in the fog when she sees the OM at work every day and that's why she will not let you make any LB$ deposits.
Last edited by SusieQ; 08/23/13 11:58 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
EA guy is long distance and she is disgusted by him. If you knew anything about affairs, you would know that looks and long distance doesn't make an A any less dangerous to your M. The fact that she says she is "disgusted" means NOTHING. My ex said that about all of his OW. They were "dumpy" "not even good looking" and he "wasn't attracted to them". (I believe he posted this very thing on his thread here on MB).
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Work place guy is gone for good. If she still works with him, like you told us, then no, he is not "gone for good". Again, this demonstrates that you are not reading and learning about affairs and how Dr Harley says they must be handled.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place. Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details. [/quote]
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Did she write a NC letter?
What EPs has she given you?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I can see her continually looking at certain profiles. Now that doesn't mean these guys woul necessasarily do anything because they know she is married. More proof of why sweeping affairs under the rug DOESN'T work. She is already on the prowl for OM3.
Last edited by SusieQ; 08/23/13 12:23 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294 |
Did she follow through with her plans to go out with coworkers? Is she going out again tonight?
I'd find someone to tail her for you. A PI would work best but you're a little late in getting one hired for tonight.
Your W has made a conscious choice to close her heart off to you and is actively seeking someone else. She's still buzzing from her other As and hasn't come out of the fog. She's addicted to the feelings she's gotten from other men. OR she's still seeing this POSOM.
I'd bet dollars to donuts she wasn't the one who ended contact. If she did end it it wasn�t because she was married and it was wrong but because the POSOMs were real losers. And so now she's seeking someone new. All the while she's still married.
She�s so addicted she isn�t even spending her B-day with her own children. I couldn�t imagine that being acceptable to anybody who�s in their right state of mind. It would have been a great idea to have the kids plan and invite her to a party for her so she needed to be home tonight.
As far as going out with coworkers making this a safe venture for her� I have seen firsthand a couple of high school buddies who worked in tandem to allow one of them to carry on an affair with a coworker. I never knew my one good buddy could be such as a$$ to contribute to the other buddies wrong doings. I am no longer in contact with this buddy.
What you have to remember is that these people she works with are her allies and are, most likely, not friends of your M. They�ve all heard what a jerk you are and as such feel it�s OK for her to look elsewhere for a new guy. After all � you�re getting a divorce.
Fordman, you are going to have to take some actions if this is going to be saved. Those actions cannot be limited to trying to meet her needs and eliminate LBs. She�s too deep for that to work by itself. You are going to need the assistance of others to shake her from her addiction. You are going to have to expose her behavior to those that can influence her.
Snoop and find out if she�s cheating. If she is then put into action a nuclear exposure. If she�s not then you need to reach out to others to ask for their help in saving this marriage. It would be best if everyone that has her ear understands things from your perspective. They won�t all agree you can change and hence lend a hand but you won�t know unless you try.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I have and am still reading every day I have not bought his needs her needs yet. Don't by His Needs Her Needs - buy Surviving an Affair. My issue is I have smothered her and taken my insecurities out on her. Your issue is she is not keeping your marriage safe from relationships with other men! That will make your love bank deposits into nothing by comparison.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 30
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 30 |
New York is a equitable distribution state. I am thinking of moving in dispite her not wanting me to. I talked to a lawyer and he told me she could call the sheriff but if I was not abusive it would be a civil issue. Her mother is the one planting this seed. The way I see it if she needs space from me shouldn't she go to her moms house for awhile. The **** hits the fan this week. I need to make a stand but don't want to lose my family.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Yes, Fordman, you should absolutely move back into your home.
What have you been doing all this time? You can't afford to let things go for days and only post here when things get out of hand. Learn this plan and follow it! Listen to the radio show, daily.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 30
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 30 |
She closes on the house next week. We are still living in the rental house.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
bump Charlingme, can you please address the questions you were asked on this thread?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Fordman your wife has rewritten her history with you. That is common in affairs.
She will not love you until this affair is ended by you.
You can't pussyfoot around here.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
358
guests, and
616
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,528
Members72,056
| |
Most Online8,273
Aug 17th, 2025
|
|
|
|
