So much past hurt and dishonesty from him, I'm trying to get past it all but not sure how. One day I'm ready to put it all behind us, the next I can't stop thinking about it all. Been married for 26 yrs, got married very young 18 & 19.
All my friends always said I was so lucky, they could just tell I would never have to worry about him ever cheating on me, so I guess I had a false sense of security( very na�ve I know ).
After the first 4 yrs, he started showing independence not wanting me to be his recreational partner all the time, it hurt but I allowed it cause I never wanted to be the spouse who had their husband on a short leash. His friends were always the type that was women chasers whether married or not. He always talked about what the friends said or done and how disrespectful it was to their wife / girlfriend, It made me proud that he was able to see their actions were hurting the other person.
Our sex life was great, as the months went into years he spent less and less time with me and a real conversation between us was very rare even when I tried he would cut me short or make me mad so I would stop talking to him. He would come home from work eat then leave for the gym for 3 or 4 hours. I would complain he would show remorse for his actions, but only change his behavior for a short time. He never complained about our sex life until 9 or so years into the marriage, At this point I had a strong feeling he was cheating, I was pregnant and scared he would leave me, suddenly he was suggesting I do this or that, but in a way that made me feel weird, I felt he was trying to convert me into whoever it was he was cheating with. I did confront him about how I felt and suspected, he said I was crazy and brushed it off.
Once I had the baby he seemed to go into a depression, I never felt so alone in my whole life, he never spent any time with his son, about 2yrs later he began talking about a female at work, every day he had something to say about her. Anytime I tried to make any type of conversation with him, whatever the conversation was about, I was wrong or stupid and put me down. Once again I got upset about all the attention he seemed to be giving this woman, and putting me down all the time, of course I was crazy, and he never spoke of her again, didn't put me down anymore. But nothing else changed, seemed like all I was doing was giving him suggestions on what not to do to keep me from getting suspicious of him.
It was a vicious cycle of me strongly feeling he was cheating but had no real evidence, him saying he would never do that to me, and him continuing the behavior that hurts me. I withdrew to protect myself. We never argued in front of our son, one day he was about 4yrs old he asked me right out of the blue "Mommy, why don't daddy love me." I died inside when those word were spoken. Of course I told him otherwise, but my heart grew such hatred for my husband, I wanted him to leave but he refused, I had no place to go both my parent were gone and I had no money. Over the next 10 yrs this continued he wouldn't leave, He always would say he wished things would go back to the way they use to be when we got married.
He changed jobs and things improved for a little while, then got way worse. He started going out with his 'friends' At the time I did not know it was 4 other guys and 1 female, the other guys would bring their wives, from this new job, at first he used the meetings and other mandatory things the job required, but staying out way later then I felt was necessary. Then he starts very carefully bring up a female name, at first saying bad things about her that turned into almost admiring her.(this female can not keep a boyfriend so most of the time she is single) One night our son(13 at the time) brought up the fact that this female was at the same gym we attend and works out with his dad and they get in the hot tub together. The look on my husband face when he said this was of shear terror but he said nothing, due to my job and hours required I was not always able to go with them, But to my surprise he wanted me to come down after work the next day to workout with him, I said ok, on my way home from work the next day he calls and says he may have to leave not gonna be able to work out, It felt like he was trying to get me not to come down, I lied and said I was already on my way, I rush home ,change clothes and rush to the gym, Just had that feeling again, and there she was with him working out, he introduced us and she left. I think at this point I either didn't care or was numb not sure which. Few days later he has a mandatory meeting 2 hrs away from home for his job on a Saturday, he leaves around noon ( carpools with another guy), at 9pm he calls and said he's getting ready to leave, acting like they were still at the job, his phone sounded like he was in a tunnel, I've heard this sound before and ask him where he was and he said a restroom. I fell asleep and at 11 pm my son wakes me up all worried, said dad wasn't home yet and wont answer his phone, so I tried to call several times and no answer. At 1 am he comes home and crawls quietly into bed.
Once again I had enough and the next day exploded, at first he tried to not to say anything, but finally admitted to being in a bar ( he has never drank or ever went to a bar, always put people down that did) I wanted him to leave, I was even to the point that I felt homicidal and even told him for his own safety he needed to leave, he would not go. He begged and cried said he was sorry, denied having an affair with the female he worked with, I asked him why he felt it was ok to have her phone number in his phone, why he felt in was ok to be calling and texting each other, but could not explain his actions to me. I think I must of went into a deep withdrawal, they move his job site and I was relived somewhat, that he would not be working with the female he talked about. But that was very short lived, After all the arguments we had about this female he had the nerve to ask me, '*she* wanted him to ask me if it was ok to carpool together, since they move her too.' Why would he do this?? knowing he would do it anyways, because they were before and didn't tell me(around this time money was coming up missing $100 to $400 a week). I said I didn't care. 2yrs later HE made plans for my birthday for us I was looking forward to it, but was in a wait and see mode cause his promises did not always happen. The day of my birthday he calls from work saying we would wait till tomorrow to do the birthday plans so we would have more time, did not say he had to work over or anything. He called again at 530pm saying he was in a store looking for me a gift, that tunnel sound was on his phone again, but he was acting like he was looking at items? it was an hour before he got home, from the receipt he checked out at 615pm its at least a 20 minute drive from that store to our house.(once again money is beginning to come up missing)I can't take it any more, I've started looking for affordable houses in the area, saving money.
I really would like to work on this with him, even showed him the part of the site about love busters and all. He agreed he wants to. I'm willing to let the past go, because I know we both are to blame for this mess, but with his history am I setting myself up to be hurt again? He's never admitted any affairs, so how would I know if he is being truthful? need advise on what to do and where to go from here.... Sorry never intended this to be a novel.

Jilted, welcome to MArriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

There is a very narrow path back from an affair<s> and when it is not followed, the marriage ends or the betrayed spouse lives a life of resentment that grows with each year.

In your case, you can't ever recover unless your husband tells you the full truth about all his affairs and makes a radical change in his lifestyle. He has horrendous boundaries around women for a married man and lives the lifestyle of a swinging single. That all has to change unless you want your future to be more of the same.

Unless he makes radical changes, you are much better off divorced because he will tear you down emotionally and physically. Just reading this history of his abusive behavior, I would bet you have physical ailments from all the stress and trauma. This is how women have nervous breakdowns.

Here is what Dr Harley says about recovery from an affair:

Thank you for your honesty, and yes I do have physical medical ailments from the stress. My emotions right now are on a roller coaster.

I want to warn you that you are not in a safe position at all unless you take charge of this situation and take a new approach. Your kids cannot afford for anything to happen to you. You are ALL they have! So please let us help you through these steps, ok?

We will tell you what to tell your husband and how to do this. If he will not do everything you ask, you must separate from him for the sake of your sanity. And I mean that very literally. We have women who have endured less than you who have post traumatic stress disorder and they are in recovered marriages.

Will you allow us to walk you through this?

I want to give you something to think about: you lost your marriage years ago. Your husband has had numerous affairs. Therefore, you have nothing more to lose, and everything to gain. We will help you take the necessary steps to save your marriage, but if that is not possible, we will help you get separated.

How can I go from wanting to work on the marriage to demanding him to tell me what happened? I do feel he will never admit to the affair/'s, it's something he will take to his grave with him.
So what do you feel would be the first steps?

First off, tell him what it will take to stay in this marriage with you. [radical honesty, affair proofing the marriage, giving you just compensation, etc] I would make an appointment for a polygraph test for him BEFORE THE TALK. When you tell him about the polygraph test, hand him a list of ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS and tell him he needs to answer them fully and honestly before the test. You need full names, dates, everything. The test will consist of 3-4 questions but he won't know which. Tell him he has to pass the test or the marriage ends. You don't have a marriage anyway, because unless he tells you the full truth, there will be no recovery.

Tell him that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless, abusive marriage. Tell im you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take:

1. end all contact with his OW for life [if he works with any of them, he needs to find another job within 30 days]

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at a future of more affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

If he will not do these things, I would encourage him to move out immediately. Because he will destroy your mental and physical health unless he makes an abrupt about face.

Once you get the full names, dates, etc of his affairs, I would expose his affairs wide and far. Everyone should know what he has done, including his children and including his employer. Read the exposure thread in my signature for details on how to expose his affairs.

Melody,

Would you advise this woman to snoop to get proof of any affair, or just go on all the circumstantial evidence and gut feelings she is having?

LTL

The problem here is multiple affairs going back years, so focusing on one raindrop in a downpour is not going to solve the problem. She has to try to pull the weed out by its roots.

Jilted,

I am so sorry for what you and your children have been through.

Please read and re-read through every word that MelodyLane has posted to you. You are at serious risk and your children need you.

Follow the plan MelodyLane is giving you. She has been here for nearly a decade and a half fighting affairs. She knows how to end them - and she also knows what happens to women who live through this kind of horror for years and years. She can walk you through the steps to a better life. I encourage you to trust her and follow her recommendations to the letter. Even if you think something is difficult, or think that other people in your life will criticize you or question you, I encourage you to take these steps anyway. They are your way to getting out of the mess, to finally getting to the happy and healthy life that you and your children need and deserve.

I would add another thing to that list: that he get STD testing. You will need to call your doctor and do the same.

I have tried snooping, I found no real evidence, he rarely gets on the computer, and just within the last 5 yrs gotten a cell phone and only because his job required it. What I mostly get is when he hangs out with his friends, his behavior and the way he treats us changes, almost ever instance it started with him doing something(Gym, hunting) with a male friend, it always seems to end up with him finding a female 'friend'. I do have plans to follow melody's plan. It's gonna be a long rough road.

That life has to change, then. He can't go do independent activities without you. If he's not willing to limit his recreation to activities that the two of you enjoy together, you will be in for this heartbreak for the rest of your life.

I know. But the road you are on is even harder. And you have been on it for way, way too long. If you can follow this plan, you will end up a winner regardless of what he does. He either gets on board and makes radical changes or he doesn't and you get divorced. You will win in either scenario. The worst scenario is the path you are on, because his desrtuctive habits will drive you crazy and make you sick.

I'm going to speak with him tonight, My problem is when I think about this at all, I get every emotional and can't think straight let alone trying to form or discuss a plan. If this will work at all I need to stay calm, (But I struggle with this, I usually end up yelling and crying) otherwise he will go back to saying he has done nothing wrong. He does seem very sincere about wanting to make our relationship better, every since I had him to read through the basic's and love buster's he has made suggestions about what we could do together for recreational activities, he was very excited in a way, and has been showering me with attention. My mind keeps telling me it's only a matter of time before he stops and it makes it very difficult to give back what he gives.

I know. That is why it is best just to go through the motions and follow the plan that MelodyLane laid out. She has been here for over a decade using Dr. Harley's principles to help people like you - and what you are describing is a very common problem: the emotion and the trauma is so overwhelming. But it is those who keep putting one foot in front of the other and follow the plan who finally get to a point where they can be happy and healthy again.

This is the plan ... follow this to the letter. Let him know that he needs to do all of these things, not just read Love Busters (although that is definitely good!)

I used to be like this also.

Write out your plan so when you talk to him you stay calm.

Jilted, before you speak to him, I would call around and find a good polygraph tester. Sit down and write out ALL your questions about his affairs. You will have to have the full truth if this is going to work.

Prepare yourself for an odd reaction to your request for a polygraph. He will probably initially agree, thinking that his agreement will get you to drop it. When he sees you are serious and that tactic won't work, he will become "offended." ["how could you not trust me???"] He will then try the bully method to get you to drop it. When that doesn't work, he will threaten to leave "if you don't trust me, I might as well leave!!!" These are all tactics to scare you out of this demand.

DON'T FALL FOR IT. Stick to your guns. If he threatens to divorce, tell him you agree, that this will lead to divorce if he doesn't come clean. Don't you dare back down because he is just trying to scare you.

The next tactic will be to throw you some "crumbs" of information to make you think he is being honest. He is still hoping you will cancel the polygraph. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T CANCEL THE POLYGRAPH! You will get more confessions on the way to the test, I promise you.

Once he sees you are damn serious, he will start spilling his guts. Are you prepared for a huge load of drama?