Unfortunately, I am here for the second time. This may be long, but I will try to keep it short.

H and I have been together for 19 years and married for 15. I am 60 and he is 50. I have 2 children from a previous marriage (both married and out of the house), he has none.

7 years ago while attending a friends wedding in Russia, H got involved with another woman. I did not attend - we couldn't afford it. I suspect, but was never able to prove, that he had a PA with her while there. I got the usual "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" stuff, as well as a long list of grievances about what I had done to destroy our marriage. We eventually decided to stay together, moved to another city and began to build a very successful business.

I tried to follow all the advice I gained from this site, but H never really committed to the process and eventually everything went back to status quo. I had the feeling that he never did really tell me truth about the affair in Russia, but didn't press it.

He became increasingly involved with building the business and I supported his efforts because when we were in the previous city, he was dependent on me financially and that was one of his grievances.One of his emotional needs was to feel like he could survive if something happened to me and I have devoted a lot of time to making him feel successful in his on right.

We sell a product that is made in India. As time went by, the quality of those products began to deteriorate and customers were complaining, so we decided to open our on manufacturing facility in India, where labor is cheaper and we could still make a decent profit but it would take a lot of effort and considerable money.

We could not travel there together - someone had to keep the US operation going, so H did most of the traveling with another (male) employee or went by himself. Around the first of the year, he became disillusioned with the male employee's contribution in India, and started doing all of his traveling alone.

We have invested close to 200K in that operation.

Of the course of this year, he has gotten an apartment (to save on hotel bills), bought a car, established a circle of friends and has pretty much established a second life in India without me. All while I am back here working 10 - 12 hour days to keep this part of the operation going as well as taking care of things that come up around the house - repairmen, etc.

Of course, as would be expected,he has become involved with another woman over there. I suspected something was going on when he came home from the last trip. I got an updated version of the speech he gave after his Russia trip and immediately knew what was going on.

Months of credit card bills were missing and he had locked down online access to those accounts. He had an "India phone" that was with him nearly 24/7 and that he refused to let me even hold, he was always texting on it, etc. The typical behavior of someone having an affair.

I spoke to an employee at work who also happens to be a good friend and told her that I was going to ask him to move out and didn't know it I was doing the right thing. She told me I was and confirmed that he was having an affair. She asked 2 other management to employees into my office and they also knew. They all said they had been trying to figure out how to let me know without jeopardizing their jobs (They were afraid he would fire them.) At the time,, he was in India

I wrote him an email letter to say I knew what was going on and telling him that when he returned, I wanted him to move out of the house - that I could not do the separate bedroom thing and live with someone who showed me everyday that he would rather be with the OW.

I exposed to his family and friends (something I didn't do last time) and he was furious, but calmed down a few days later.

Once our employees were out from under the burden of protecting his secret, the flood gates opened and I learned of all the lies he has told them, not just since the affair started, but prior to that.

We agreed to have an open marriage, that we had had big blowouts over things like snooping on his cell phone, that he encouraged me to get a boyfriend and I would not be upset if he had a girlfriend - the stories I h. They have suspicions that some of his business trips here in the states were a cover to meet women he had picked up at trade shows, etc. The stories I heard just stunned me! And, none of them

I

Sorry, hit the wrong button.

I knew this was all untrue.

I had tried to avoid love busters until that point, but when I heard all the lies he had told our employees about out relationship, I lost it. I was furious and sent him an email saying we were done.

He replied I could buy him out and put the house up for sale, he was getting an attorney, etc.

But, this is my question. He has been lying about our relationship for quite some time. i can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. How do you recover from that?

I could very easily give up the factory in India, but he would never do it. It is an ego thing for him.

I see someone I have loved, supported and cared for for many years, and I want to reach out and help.

I just see no hope.

I am here for an outsiders input and support.

Thanks

Hi 2times2many, welcome back to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I have to agree with your decision to leave the marriage. Hopefully you know by now that "open marriages" don't work. Sometimes divorce is the definition of success. Sounds that would be the case here.

What was your previous posting name?

Snooping on a cell phone would only cause a "blow up" if there was something to hide. Most people don't care if their spouse looks on their cell phone because they have nothing to hide. The blow outs were over his secret second life, something which no husband is entitled.

We never agreed to an open marriage. That was just one of his lies. All of that garbage was lies.

I actually think he has some kind of personality disorder. He has not only lied about our relationship, but about absolutely trivial things. And, I think he actually believes he is telling the truth.

To be honest, I feel like a battered spouse. I have spent most of our marriage trying to irritate - trying to avoid his blow ups. But, I still love him. That is just pathetic. I feel like I should be running as fast as I can.

I should have said NOT to irritate him

Please, we never agreed to have an open marriage. I did a poor job of explaining the situation. Maybe I should start over with a new thread.

I honestly don't remember what my id was before. Probably something with annie in the name.

I understand!


Well, you ARE a battered spouse. Adultery is more traumatic than physical assault or rape and you have dealt with it for years. You might feel "love" but now is the time to employ your intellect instead of your emotions to walk you out of this abusive situation. You know you are being abused. Women have nervous breakdowns from living you are living, did you know this?

You know, through this recent ordeal, I have not shed a tear until tonight. H has told me that when he was a cop (that's probably not true) that he would respond to family disputes where the husband beat up the wife and she wouldn't file charges because "She loved him."

Maybe it's just being afraid of a future alone .. I don't know. Maybe it's that I have considered him to be a friend for so long that I want to help. I don't know. I just see an individual who is serious need of help and I can't just walk away.

How do I do that?

He is toxic and dangerous to you. He is not your "friend." And you won't have a future alone. If you were divorced, you could have that same "love" with someone who didn't abuse you.

You can't "help" him and he doesn't need any help. You need help.

Thank you, ML. I have seen many of your posts on MB and you are insightful and usually on target.

I will walk away. It won't be easy, but I am strong and can survive this. I just needed someone to validate my position. I appreciate your help more than you know.

You will get lots of help here. Think of it like this: you can have short term pain and long term pain *OR* short term pain and long term happiness. I hope you choose the latter. You can have happiness in your future if you permit your intellect to guide your path.

I think I knew all along which direction to take. I just needed affirmation. Nearly 20 years is long time to just toss by the wayside.

I am truly sad, because I've seen the good side of this man and it just breaks my heart that he could go to a place like this. I've seen him weave in and out of the "dark side," for lack of a better reference, and was able to bring him to the light, until now. I know that somewhere deep down he is a good soul (I've seen it), but he is totally lost and I just don't the capacity to save him. That is really difficult to accept.

I know you may see that as part of the dependency, but I really want to see him get help. I just am not capable of giving him what he needs. Not at my expense

I know that I have to look out for me (something I've heard from him for years) and I WILL do that.

Thanks so much for your support. I really appreciate it.

2Times2Many, I just want to express my sincere sympathy for you. Your situation sounds absolutely heartbreaking. The situation I am dealing with is bad but yours sounds even worse, and I would have to agree with Melody that your best bet is to divorce and start over. I am so sorry for your pain.

Are you familiar with Plan B?

Here you go.
How to Plan B Correctly

Yes, I am employing that now, although with a business to run, it is difficult. If we have contact, I have made absolutely sure that it is business related only and nothing on a personal level.

The hard part here is that I have an interest in the business and I want to protect that - that's my future. It is necessary to have contact with him in order to protect my financial future - decisions have to be made that I'm not always knowledgeable enough to make. I suppose in some respects, I am using him, but there is no way I will allow him to cheat me out of my share of what we have built.

That's the logical, self preservation attitude (vs the emotional attitude) coming out.

How do you end a personal relationship and continue a business relationship at the same time.

In your case I think you need to not see him again. Is there a way to separate the business somehow, or split it, or buy him out of his half or something?

You use an IM. Can you get a an IM?

I would try Plan B. [plan b is no contact whatsoever] You will feel 1000% better in a few short weeks and have much better judgment.

You can use an intermediary for pertinent contact now, but I would also work on getting out of that business so you are not tied together anymore. THAT is the rational approach. To remove yourself from the toxic influence so that you have peace in your life.

It is not rational or reasonable to keep yourself tied to such a toxic person.