You don't.

Basically, it comes down to this. He cannot run the business, at least on the US side, without me. If I walked away, it would be dead in 6 months or less. And without the US business, there would be no buyers for the India business. And we have 10 employees here that depend on us for a living.

So, if I walk out, I'm not only hurting him and our employees, I am hurting myself. It is my future, too.

That is my dilemma. How much do I put up with to secure my future. And how do I get across to him that he is not only engaging in destructive behavior that affects our marriage and relationship, but affects a whole lot of innocent people as well.

I just don't know where to go from here.

I would start thinking about ways to get away from him in business. You can't afford to be eternally stuck with him if you want to recover and move forward. Being stuck with him would be like having to stay eternally linked to your rapist. You would never get better.

But in the meantime, you can go into Plan B and use an intermediary. There is no information that can't be passed on by another employee. In fact, I would get some employee to do all the business contact with him and find a personal friend to act as an intermediary for personal issues.

Of course that has to be a temporary situation while you find a way to either get him out of the business or get you out of it.

I assume an IM is an intermediary. He brought his brother into the business about 6 weeks ago (again, the ego, he can now support his brother and family). From what I can tell, his brother is not in on his deceit and is genuinely clueless about what is going on - only what I have told him and I've been mild.

I've been using him as the IM and monitoring what is going on between them, because I have access to their email communications and I suspected that H was trying to force me out of the company.

The protection of your mental and physical health is much more important than your bus8ness. I understand you can't just abandon your source of income but you have to find a way to separate from him in business too.

You won't be running anything if you have a nervous breakdown and/or any of the various stress related physical illnesses that come hanging around an adulterous spouse.

Unfortunately, H is really furious that "his" employees sold him out, so there aren't many in the office that he trust to be IM.

I so have an appointment with an attorney next week so I can protect my interests.

But, going back go to my "dependency," I see this lost soul that is in desperate need of help and whether thing work our for us or not, it is hard to turn my back.

I also know that 2, 5, 10 years from now, he will be knocking on my door. He is truly lost and it's hard to turn your back on that.

That's ok. He doesn't have to trust them. If he wants to get any communication to you, he will have to do it through your designated IM. He doesn't get a choice if he wants to get a message to you.


That's good. I would explore all ways to either get out of the business or get him out. You can't stay in business with him in the future and expect to protect yourself emotionally.


The only one lost here is you. He is doing just fine and doesn't need any help. You, on the other hand, do need help.

I understand what you are saying, but I can't afford to buy him out and there is no way I am going to let 7 years of hard work and sacrifice fall to the winds.

And, although I care about another human being as I would any friend, I don't see that as a defect in my personality. I see someone who is in dire need of help and whether it was my kid, my parent, a close family friend or my WH, I cannot simply turn my back. Our relationship probably won't survive this, and although I wish with all my heart that that was not the case, I cannot simply turn my back and walk away without even trying to guide that him back to a good path in life - with or without me.

I know that may seem odd to some, but I do have some compassion for those in need and I see H as someone in need.

I see that trying to save this relationship is probably not worth the effort, so my question is answered. But, I have realized that saving another human being from a path of self destruction and misery to others is worth the effort in or out of marriage. I would only hope that some friend would do the same for me.

I realize you don't see him as my friend, and right now he most definitely isn't, but he has been my friend for more years than he has been my lover/husband. My friend is in trouble and I will help in any way I can as long as I can protect myself and my best interests in the process.

If you see that as my needing help --- I just don't agree. I know where my faults lie and I am aware of the potential pitfalls.

Whether or not my marriage is worth the effort is a whole different question than whether or not helping a friend in need is worth the effort.

I wonder if you have confused enabling with "helping?" In reality he doesn't need your help, nor can you help someone against his will. That seems to me to be an excuse to keep yourself in his life. If you tell yourself that he needs your help and imagine that you can change him, then you have an excuse to keep hanging around while he abuses you.

Do you imagine you have the power to change your husband?

I agree with this. But enabling is not the same as helping. Do you know many women who are physically assaulted and raped by their husbands use this same reasoning to justify staying with their abusers?

"I wonder if you have confused enabling with "helping?" In reality he doesn't need your help, nor can you help someone against his will. That seems to me to be an excuse to keep yourself in his life. If you tell yourself that he needs your help and imagine that you can change him, then you have an excuse to keep hanging around while he abuses you."

Do you imagine you have the power to change your husband?"

No, enabling was keeping his first affair secret. Maybe he doesn't need MY help, but he needs someone's help. I believe he is ill and I don't care who wakes him up to that, I just hope he, at some point,realizes that he needs help.

When this last episode erupted I told him that I wasn't going to do this again and begged him to get help - that if he didn't he would be doomed to a life of misery and torment and that all those, like me, who had loved him, would have horrible memories of him and I didn't think that is how he wanted to be remembered. He agreed and said he was willing to get counseling (I was close), but after my blow up, I don't know if he will. AR least he admitted he needed help - I just don't know if he meant it.

I know, after having been with him for so many years, that this is not the person he wants to be and it is definitely not the man I fell in love with and was happily married to for many years. I am not trying to stay in his life and I have no intention of continuing to allow him to abuse me. I know his games and I have become aware of my dependencies, but I cannot just turn it off. He is someone who has been important in my life, my kid's lives, our grand-children's lives. You can't just erase all of that and act as if it never happened. He needs help and I don't care where he gets it - here, in India, on the moon - I want him to have a happy life, just as I want to be happy. Why is that so hard to understand

What is his illness?

The problem I see here is that you imagine that he has a problem. He doesn't. He is perfectly happy with this lifestyle. You are the only one who has the problem with it. You can't change this man, 2times2many. He is not ill. He is having an affair. And there is nothing you can do to stop him. He is a grown man who doesn't need to be "rescued" by his wife. You can't rescue him and you can't control him.

here

Anyway, this has, in my opinion, gotten completely off track, primarily because I did a poor job of explaining my issue.

H has a narcissistic personality. He has always been competitive with his (adoptive) Dad, who was quite successful in business endeavors. H has had several businesses that began well, but failed. He has the need to present himself as something more than he actually is, as being extremely successful at whatever he is doing, as if to prove to his Dad that he is worthy.

Ive seen it over and over - he has even talked about the "competition."

It is, in my opinion, a low self-esteem issue. I want to deal with that, but short of convincing him to get professional counseling, I don't know how to deal with it.

You know what, I am sorry I ever posted here.

My man was good to me -- my prince charming - my fairy tale -- and all i have gotten is that I need help and he is a lost cause.

I came here for support and got nothing.

So long.

You cannot change HIM.

You can only change you.

You cannot "play nice" for your business. This is why infidelity is so bad -- to fix it, a lot of things are broken.

You are only 50 and 20 years with him is not time wasted......30, 40, 50 years would be worse.
(he is not your Prince Charming....you are thinking about who you were mistaken that he was)

Talk to a legal counsel and plan to go to a Marriage Builders Plan B to heal and get a clearer perspective of the possibility of a happy future.

2T2M, Mel was offering you support and trying to help you avoid further pain.

You cannot educate nor can you reason with a wayward. Any effort to show a WS the error of their ways will be lost and viewed as a disrespectful judgement, controlling and twisted to validate their "excuses" for the A.

Whilst an A is active and a WS is foggy they will willingly sacrifice anything of importance to keep their fantasy alive. This includes marriage, family, financial security, business, careers. They will even change their beliefs to suit and justify the A.

I know you mean well, it is tough watching someone you love and care for slowly destroy themself, but you cannot help him nor will he allow you to help.

It is wise to seek legal advice to protect your financial interest in the business and any marital assets.

2T2M I hope you decide to keep posting, you have wealth of resouces, knowledge and support available to you.

2T2M...I think your post name says a lot, you know this is too much. I truly feel for you. Reading your post, I kept thinking, this could be me. I really felt so sorry for my WH after exposing, that I started to waver. I started to think, "geez, maybe I am too controlling, who am I to insist on a no contact letter?" It was posters like ML and BH that kept me grounded. Granted, it was not easy to read about what a coward I was being. In between my WH hijacked my account and I was able to see the insanity of his thoughts. I know I thought if I was just nice to him and supportive he would see how wrong he has been. He cant see anything. There is nothing I can do or say to make him see his wayward way. Exposure and extricating him from our home may be our only chance. not talking to him and using an IM is brilliant. There are times I still feel sorry for him. Who wouldn't? They are deranged and so self destructive. But the keyword is "self". They made these choices. Please stay on here. These people are brilliant, supportive and so insightful.

Yes, please do stay. The people here can help you. They've helped many more people in bad situations.

Either you get out of the business or have him get out but you will NOT be able to keep things as they are!

You cannot force him to change. Plans A and B are best for recovery. But they are not a guarantee.

The sooner you enact Plan B the better. And that means no contact. You will feel loads better.