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I wish Taffy was a more empathetic person than he is. He just isn't. I don't want him to experience the level of pain I have (not REALLY), I just wish he was more sensitive to my feelings at the present. He may not be able to learn to be empathetic. But, he can learn to act in a caring manner, and that would make deposits and protect from withdrawals. I read the posts of deeply remorseful fWS's here, and wish Taffy behaved more like them. But he doesn't. Dr. Harley says some WS's never show remorse, and it isn't a necessity for recovery. Sure feels like it at times, though! I see this spouse, and wish my spouse were more like that; contrast effect. I'd follow Dr. Harley on this; if you create a safe, romantic, fulfilling marriage - and avoid situations of contrast effect - remorse becomes less important.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I understand, and I agree with catwhit - I think you should respond with something fun or sexy! I will be shocked if LH remembers the actual DATE of Dday.
As for the show, we've just made it a routine to listen - instead of music, we play MBRadio while getting ready for bed/getting ready in the morning. (Sometimes not the best idea to listen right before bed though...because of triggers.)
me - 44
WH - 44
married 19 years
2 daughters - 15 & 13
D-day: 11/19/2012
Didn't find out until years later - A with coworker, 2008 & again in 2010 or 2011
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I wish Taffy was a more empathetic person than he is. He just isn't. I don't want him to experience the level of pain I have (not REALLY), I just wish he was more sensitive to my feelings at the present. He may not be able to learn to be empathetic. But, he can learn to act in a caring manner, and that would make deposits and protect from withdrawals. Very true, HHH. And it took a while for me to get it through my thick noggin (thanks, NG), that it is MY responsibility to coach him,,, provide him with the information he needs as to how I would like him to act in a caring manner. Most people can figure out the withdrawals on their own (AO's, for example, are obvious) but actions that make deposits are so specific to each person that just expecting it to happen is leaving too much to chance. And if Taffy is showing care in a way that doesn't make deposits, then he'll get frustrated and give up, when I don't respond.
Last edited by catwhit; 09/27/13 11:27 AM.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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A lot to think about here. I think I would need to give him a list like
"don't mention this date, don't call me this, don't speak about this, etc and if you hear anything adultery related on TV, give me space!!"
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Strongerme, if Kiss actually listened to the show, then he would have been better able to handle my mood that day...maybe I just sent him a text "you should see if you can take off 11/15-11/17" and his response was "For?"  perhaps I was too vague?  If there has been no prior discussion about taking time off then, yes, I'd say your question was a bit vague and his response reasonable. At least, that's how I'd have probably responded. Were you irritated by the response or for having to spell it out (rolling eyes icon)? Watch out for that old "assumption" (DJ) game. It can really snowball.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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I think it is something similar to saying "hey, lets do something fun on May 8th" (my birthday) and his response "what for?" would get me equally annoyed.
So! I won't mention the date. I won't expect him to know what the date means. And we will just plan a weekend away "just because" - which was the answer I gave him
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Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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A lot to think about here. I think I would need to give him a list like
"don't mention this date, don't call me this, don't speak about this, etc and if you hear anything adultery related on TV, give me space!!" Okay, but that sounds a bit demand-ish.... Your goal is coaching, from the partnership "chair", not demanding from the witchy-wife chair... How about: "It bothers me when you call me "babe" (or whatever word he used with the OW...)" NO reason need be given for why, etc.... And, "I'd love it if, when we hear or see anything adultery-related on TV, you give me a special hug." Also, as you are coaching him to learn new habits, remember the "atta-boy"'s and encouragement. These are things I had to learn the hard way.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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How about:
"It bothers me when you call me "babe" (or whatever word he used with the OW...)"
NO reason need be given for why, etc.... How did you know?! LOL. That was my name FIRST, dammit. But I see what you are saying. Ok, I can work on that. But Kiss always asks "why", so how do I respond? And,
"I'd love it if, when we hear or see anything adultery-related on TV, you give me a special hug." This would mean changing my usual habit of fleeing. But I can work on changing that habit. Also, as you are coaching him to learn new habits, remember the "atta-boy"'s and encouragement.
These are things I had to learn the hard way. Thank you! I will work on these. 
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I think it is something similar to saying "hey, lets do something fun on May 8th" (my birthday) and his response "what for?" would get me equally annoyed.
So! I won't mention the date. I won't expect him to know what the date means. And we will just plan a weekend away "just because" - which was the answer I gave him I like "just because" better! No need, IMO, to remind him of the OW by bringing up the significance of the day. Hope y'all have a great weekend.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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And,
"I'd love it if, when we hear or see anything adultery-related on TV, you give me a special hug." This would mean changing my usual habit of fleeing. But I can work on changing that habit. Oh gosh, you flee? I still get up and shut the TV off lol.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good!
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Weeelll, it depends on what it is. If it is more "personal" like a song, or something then I walk away. If it was a show, I would turn it off.
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Have you stopped work on moving away or are you still getting it all lined up?
November 15th seems like an appropriate deadline for getting the move accomplished.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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Still working on it. Waiting to see if kiss will have to in for an interview. I'm also checking jobs down there in the government.
And I got great news last night! My DD18 was accepted into the Disney college program, which is a paid internship!!
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Great news! Things seem to be looking up for you, RQ!!
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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And I got great news last night! My DD18 was accepted into the Disney college program, which is a paid internship!! That IS great news! Congrats to your daughter. You must be one proud Mama.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good!
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Yes! I am sooo happy for her!  Things are looking good!
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If I may, what is the Disney College Program?
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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It is a paid internship with Disney in the area that the student is studying (my daughter is studying hospitality). They are provided housing and educational courses.
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It is a paid internship with Disney in the area that the student is studying (my daughter is studying hospitality). They are provided housing and educational courses. Wonderful opportunity! My H's niece had the same chance, and she has never lacked for work since (about 8 years ago now if memory serves me). Super great that your daughter landed this!
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good!
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