Ok, the holidays are coming, and I just wanted to know how many of us would like to send this letter to Santa?<P>Dear Santa,<P>I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.<P><B>I want to slap Martha Stewart.</B><P>Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.<P>Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.<P>We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.<P>We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.<P>OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.<P>We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."<P>The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?<P>In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!<P> Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.<P>She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."<P>Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.<P>Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Albright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).<P>The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.<P>A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.<P>If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?<P> When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back.<P>"Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.<P>There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.<P>Mrs. Everybody<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

Too funny!<P>Lori

Butterfly,<P>Someone at work sent me this last week. It is too funny.<P>How are you, btw?<P><BR>Cheryl

Oh no ! Now I'm gonna be in trouble. I made 2 sets of cloth napkin holders with matching table cloth holders as Christmas presants the ther day. I plan to go to the local Neiman Marcus where I shop (aka the thrift store) and get 2 nice baskets 2 table cloths and 8 cloth napkins and dye them to match their holders. Then put them in thier hulders and place them in the baskets with a matching home-made bow. I made them out of scrap cloth, polyfil bunting and toilet paper rollers and for the tablecloth ring, part of a one liter oke bottle. Please don't slap me. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Butterfly -- I like it I like it a lot. Now I'll have to send this to a couple of friends.<P>Bozos_ Deb -- I think you're probably safe <P>God Bless

OK, when you slap Martha Stewart, do you use a glove? Back hand? Be a shame to do it wrong.

I think we should "hit her when she's not looking..." <P>Sounds like she could use a career boost... Needs and expanded audience....<P>Shall we send her a recipe for pop-tarts and defrosted bacon (cooked or un-cooked...) Embelished with something really wild - we could call it something really "erotic"....<P>Sheba!!! - You are just the one to draft the letter! Go For It!!!

trustntruth,<P>How about naming the recipe Raw Tarts?? <P>Roll Me Away

Dear Butterfly:<BR>Hummmmm...I wonder if you dislike Martha Stewart. It's hard to believe reading your post that you don't have 18k gold dipped glue that you can make christmas balls with...hey, let's invite her over for some cold pizza...hee, hee, hee...We'll trick her and tell her that you made it with your own sauce.

sounds as thought the line is forming to the left and to the right for the priveledge of removing the grin from martha's face. sign me up skippy!<BR>pw

Oh My, Ms. Butterfly!!!! <BR>May I fly to the front of this line??? <P>I found this interesting little site I'm sure you all will find interesting!!<P>Enjoy~~~ <A HREF="http://www.servtech.com/~whitfitz/crack.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.servtech.com/~whitfitz/crack.htm</A> <P>Slap Happy Hugs & Kisses,<BR>TCF

TCF,<BR> Great site, I'm still ROFLMBFBO<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>