I am new to this site and have been reading as much as I can these last few nights. Forgive me for not having the lingo all together here. My husband of 22 years had been telling me that he was unhappy in the marriage for a few years but we seemed to have on and off times and still were living a married life. One of his biggest complaints was that I don't earn a lot of money but he earns a fabulous six figure salary. Money is super important in his family and he would at times suggest that I should stop consulting work and join a large firm. Our son though had childhood depression and ADHD and so it was me taking him to a lot of doctors and tutors in his early teens. Since I consult to big business, I know how tough woman have it when they have to juggle so much. Fast forward to this September: Our son started college on the other side of the country and 2 weeks later my husband says he wants to separate. We had been in counseling since March. I had discovered an affair was taking place in late January but he never admitted it. Made me feel I was just paranoid. Our therapist was tough on us to work on communication issues and was aware that my husband was saying he wanted to leave the marriage but we still were behaving as a married couple--dinner nights, sex, he gave me wonderful jewelry for my anniversary and birthday. My husband never admitted the affair in therapy.

So he has decided to move out but only last week did he finally admit to seeing this woman who had lived with him before the two of us married. He said they had been in touch for the last 4 years and that I am exaggerating the relationship they had. He slept with her out of frustration with me. He said he is not leaving me for her at all. He just wants some space and to be at peace. When I ask him if he was enjoying all our good times these last few months, he basically says that's irrelevant. We just don't have enough in common and he doesnt' think he loves me anymore.

I've gone to an attorney to protect myself as I have truly been more dependent on him financially. He can afford to move out and still pay much of our bills. I cannot. I've conveyed to him how devastating this will be to us financially, emotionally, and to our son who doesn't know yet.

Two days ago I moved into the spare bedroom because I think I needed to just stop being so clingy, tearful, and needy around him. I was a mess. After he confirmed the affair, he was more concerned that I not contact her than what I was feeling. It really said plenty to me. I've hardly spoken to him. Part of me wants him out of the house now, too.

So yesterday when I told him that the attorney estimated some fairly high spousal support, he has said he might not be able to move out and that we should maybe go to a mediation. I told him that it was sounding like we should just divorce rather than to keep playing games. He seemed to accept that until he heard the spousal support figures.

My close friends are telling me I need to get out of this. He clearly has had more than just a one time thing with this woman and now many of the events of years past are making sense. Even so, I feel I still love him as the father of my son and that we had some good times up until his affair started. Does that make sense to the wisdom of this group? Our next therapy session is Saturday and he sees his attorney again on Thursday. Thoughts? M

Hi mgh, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I would have this thread moved to the Surviving an Affair forum.

The first step towards recovery in your marriage will be to do your best to bust up affair. We will show you how to do this. Please go read the exposure link in my signature and come back and discuss.

So I did contact the other woman via email with what I new at the time. I wrote her and told her that I knew about one of their rendezvous which my husband had said was a business trip. I also confronted my husband but I could not tell him how I knew because then that source of information would no longer be available. I pushed at that time (January 2013) and that's when we started counseling but he continued to make it seem I was paranoid. The other woman wrote me back saying they were just friends, that they just see each other for drinks to talk. She had the audacity to say she was always supporting me in our talks. I never wrote her back because I felt that at least I had accomplished the goal of letting him know that I know. As I said above, he just now admitted it but he has minimized it and he actually wanted to protect her--asking me not to call her because she got scared the last time that I would stalk her. Its this last dialogue that really disgusted me--he wanted to protect her rather than me. He hasn't even apologized. He feels justified because of how much I disappointed him. I have also told his best friend and his brother but they don't feel comfortable getting involved. My husband has had a couple of moments of rage with all this. I got pushed to the ground during one of our arguments--he apologized profusely but I think that left an impression on me to exercise caution. Make sense?

That's why I moved into the spare bedroom and have hardly spoken. I can't leave the house financially so this is my best effort to cut off relating to him as if everything is normal. I think that was my huge mistake back in February but I thought he the counseling was helping. I think ultimately he was doing everything possible to keep things from exploding while our son was still home.

mgh, in that case, I would separate FIRST and then expose his affair. Did you read the exposure thread? His affair should be exposed wide and far, to all your family and friends, including to the OW's family and friends. Does the OW have a facebook page?

Can you persuade your husband to move out?

Does he work with the OW? Who is she? Is she married?

No he does not work with the OW. She has her own business in the area. She divorced her husband a few years ago and then they now live together. Something tells me that she may have divorced her husband thinking she would marry mine. I have no evidence of that but would not be surprised they had possibly made this agreement to wait until my son was out of the house.

I think there's enough exposure because its out in the open and the therapist is likely to really focus on this on Saturday.

I guess the question I have for the brief moment is by just not speaking, not being in his presence but quietly sitting in another room --this is how I can separate from this situation right now. This is me avoiding more pain caused by just looking at this man who has done great harm to me and my son. If he moves out in a few weeks that will be the real separation. Am I making matters worse or is this the best way to react to the insanity of the moment?

Enough exposure would mean you have exposed to:

the OW's husband, family, friends
your family and friends
your husband's family
your children

Has that been completed yet?


The best way to handle the situation is to get him to move out NOW. Your husband is dangerous to you right now so I wouldn't suggest hanging around waiting to get beat up again. I would get him now so you and your son are safe and then expose his affair.

Does the OW have a facebook page?

I cannot tell my son. He's away at college and I already agreed with my husband to only tell my son we have separated when he returns for the holidays. My son just started college 3,000 miles away a month ago. He has had depression. This is not the right thing to say to him without being there in person. As much as I am angry, sorrowful, hurt--the last thing I need to do is make my son face this without my being there to guide him. I'm not asking my son to choose between us or to make him loathe his father. My son has had conflicts with his dad in the past. I know he will side with me in all this but it may do more harm than good.

My husband has few friends and I told his best friend a while back. He has one brother. He knows but isn't getting involved. His mother is in poor health with little memory.

My family is far and they do not know because our culture would never allow for me to stay with a husband who cheats.

It is hard to embarrass a person who lives very quietly and much to their self.

mgh, your son is very affected by his father's adultery and will find out anyway when you separate. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. Your son has a right to know what your husband is doing to his family.

Everyone should know about his affair. That helps your husband and it helps you. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping his secret for him only enables the affair. You don't want to do that, do you?

There is not much we can do for you if you choose to enable the affair. And that is exactly what you do when you keep it a secret. You hurt your husband and you hurt your marriage by doing this.

Why are you aiding and abetting your husband's affair? It makes you look as though you don�t care very much when you offer him and the OW your support in this way.

You have a) promised him you will help him lie and cover up his affair and to protect the OW (lie to your own son, no less!)

You have b) promised you will offer him shelter and companionship while he has his affair. This only encourages him in his addiction to her. It is easy for him to believe you don't care enough to react.



This is quite simply deception on a shocking scale. Your son is able to deal with truthful news about his life, even hard news; he is a college man.

There are numerous five year olds and six year olds who have dealt incredibly well with the news of exposure - do you claim your son isn't as intelligent, capable or as reasonable as they are because of his condition?

He is holding down a busy and successful life, so I doubt that. This is a very patronising attitude towards your son which will show in your behaviour towards him. This deception and lack of support will hurt your son more than the truth.



I am going to stick with the assumption that your son is capable and intelligent. This means that when you say to him "We're separating" - he is going to have some follow up questions!

Are you a good enough liar that you have your false answers ready here? Or will you let your husband take the lead and repeat the same lies to your son that he told you?

As a betrayed wife, you KNOW that uneasy feeling you get when you are being lied to. I urge you strongly not to subject your son to that horrible, uneasy feeling while you tell him about this separation.

If you are going to wait for him to come home - are you then going to tell him that you have been lying to him for some time? It will be very upsetting for him to hear you have been hiding this for ages and that you don't trust him with the truth.



Go out there and tell him then. You are in an emergency situation and sitting at home to aid and abet your husband's lies is not as important as supporting your son. But for what it's worth I think your son is capable and intelligent and can handle this over the phone.

I know that your casual inaction and plan to tell lies is not the real you.

I know you are being manipulated by a liar while you are in shock and pain. But your son needs you to wake up, stop lying, stop helping the liars and start talking action.

by the way, your therapist should be wearing a highwayman's mask. If he had any experience of infidelity at all he would know that there is nothing to talk about while your husband continues to subject you to the appalling abuse of an affair.

If he were an infidelity expert like Dr Harley he would be seeing you solo and encouraging you to remove yourself from this abuse. He would not be allowing your husband to hold court in therapy and bully you into submission. However he continues to sit there and take your money while your husband bullies you before his eyes. He should be deeply ashamed of himself and you should not pay this imposter another cent.

See what happens when you get tough, see a lawyer and let your spouse see that there may be consequences? If you get a lot a tougher and say there WILL be consequences you have a fighting chance here. Ditch his silly therapy idea (they love therapy because it is weak) and continue along the legal/separation path unltil he shows remorse.



My family were the same but ended up being supportive. If you tell them that you will be super tough on your WH and not take him back without utter and complete remorse, they will get on board. In fact you want them to be stern and dissapproving of your WH. That's the kind of attitude he needs to wake up and stop being so selfish. He will also need to apologise to them.

My dear, manipulated friend you could get a prize for inaction.

Your husband is carrying an affair beneath your nose and all you've done is change rooms. And you are afraid that is a step too far!

You need to expose to everyone on the list Melody Lane gave you and read the link in her signature about exposure. The poor misled Betrayed Husband, your mother-in-law and your son are obvious priorities. No excuses about fear and people's ill health please, just get it done. Do it gently, but do it.

Then you need to pack up all your husband's belongings and put them by the door. Ask them where he thinks he is going to stay while he conducts his affair. Ignore any response he gives you as it will not be helpful. In fact stop listening to him completely.

Then I would click on the link in my signature and make your preparations for Plan B. Plan B is a controlled separation launched with a love letter where you make it clear that you love your husband too much to aid and abet the affair.

If you continue living together in that house while your hurt and feelings of love make you clingier and needier by the day, there is no hope.

Of course it does. All betrayed spouses feel this way. We have all felt this way. We have seen countless marriages saved - even when the wayward spouse is manipulating his wifes feelings of love , it can still be saved if she gets tough.

We know you love him and we will cheer you on while you fight for your marriage. Please start fighting the good fight and stop enabling the affair.

I just wanted to add that you shouldn't stay with a husband who cheats in any culture! He should stop cheating, and show incredible remorse to everyone, obviously.

Your family sound terrific. Much better than his. Do you think they will call up your husband and yell at him? I would encourage them to do that.

Mgh,

I know how difficult to hear advise that is not actually what you want to do, but as someone who has recently been in a very similar situation to yours, you are getting the right advise.

Firstly, you must expose what is going on to absolutely everyone. This is 100% the only way to end the affair. My husband's affair crashed and burned less than four weeks after I exposed it and I didn't have to say a word. In fact, I did not even see him or speak to him in all that time. It is incredibly powerful because affairs only survive in secrecy. You have to drag the betrayal into the sunshine of the day where it belongs and let the world look upon it; only then will it shrivel and die.

It's not all positive, though. You should brace yourself. If your husband has never been violent before now, get a lock for the spare bedroom so you can keep him out if he starts being intimidating or flips out when you expose him.

People are weird about affairs. Your friends and family may not react as you expect them to. There is nothing you can do about that. When my husband and I got back together I lost friends who did not support me being with a former adulterer. I had to make a decision that the primary relationship in my life was my family (husband and children) and my decisions had to be in support of that relationship first.

End the affair first. There are guides for how to do that here. Make decisions about the marriage second. Your therapist doesn't sound very helpful, by the way. I'd get rid of them.

Good luck; be strong.

mgh,

There is a possibility that your son witnessed your WHs infidelity, and that is a partial cause of his sadness. It may be a relief for him to find out that you know, and it may remove the horrible burden of having to lie to his Mother from him.

I say this because when I was young a number of my friends had witnessed their parents infidelity and told me about it. What was common to each case was that the kids took on the guilt of keeping it from the other parent. In all cases it was told to me under the condition I keep it a secret.

This was also true of my W who witness her wayward father being affectionate with some other woman at a very young age, with her father then promising something he never delivered.

God Bless
Gamma