Okay, my husband and I have been back together for over four months now. This are going pretty well. Better than ever, if I'm honest. We are definitely communicating more openly than we ever did.

But now, a massive time-bomb has gone off and I do not know how to keep the aftermath from becoming destructive to our marriage.

So...my husband's email history downloads in about 10 different places as he has multiple computers. He deleted all emails from the OW (there were hundreds) but about a month ago I discovered that when he linked up a new computer to his accounts, old emails re-uploaded and they were all back. They were in the 'deleted' folder and he said he did not know they were there and would delete them. About two days later I checked again and they were still there. He said that he couldn't stand to look at them because they made him feel bad and so he was feeling like there wasn't a good time to delete them.

I asked him to delete them again. I said I wanted them gone because I felt tempted to look at them and didn't want to see anything more. He agreed he would do it.

Early last week I was on that computer and decided to check if the emails were gone. They weren't. I'll admit to having ZERO control over my curiosity about his communication with the OW so I started scanning the subject headings for any I had never read before (they are so painful, really, I can only manage one or two at a time).

I found an email that looked unfamiliar and opened it. It was from my husband to the OW around valentine's day. They had sent each other gifts. I knew about this. It was part of his disclosure. He had made her this thing out of beads. I knew that. What I did not know was what I discovered in the email: I have always collected shells and beach glass from all of our vacations. Sometimes I'll buy a jar and put sand, shells, coins, etc. from a trip into a single jar. Other times I separate them out by color or whatever, other times they sit in baggies or drawers but I am the one who collects them. Okay, brace yourselves:

My husband had gone around the house and gathered up a bunch of these shells and had them strung together with other beads and pearls and things as a GIFT FOR HER. He then wrote the OW a poem-like card going over all of the places we had ever traveled to and saying that all of his travels had always been bringing him to her or some BS...

Seriously - I thought I was going to die right there from the pain of seeing that he mentioned what until then had been the highlight trip of our marriage: a trip to Phi Phi island in Thailand. It was incredibly romantic and now it was part of a gift to that horrid woman.

I mean, how many facets of mind-bending crap is this for me to try to cope with?

On one level, he was lying to her. Those were my shells and if she knew, she'd be horrified, though she should have known. WHo doesn't know the places a marriage man visits he visits with his wife. What kind of woman accepts a gift like that (ha ha we know the answer there!)

On another level, what kind of MAN makes a gift out of memories from his MARRIAGE to give to his affair partner?

On another level, this may be the most romantic thing he has ever done which has now cast a shadow over everything he will ever give me moving forward. My gifts from him are always practical and stupid. Can I cope with this? Is it going to haunt me for eternity? Of course, it cannot be wise to get demanding about gifts now? Would a romantic gift to me even count if I have to order him to do it? But what if I leave him to his own devices and he still gets me a coffee grinder or something for Christmas and I have to kill him with a fork in his sleep?

On still another level, this happened during the affair. In the early days of the affair, in fact. Do I benefit from making a massive big deal out of this and questioning my husband's character (which I did for a few days, but have now cooled off from, but still - this is bouncing around in my head and making me feel crazy again). I have to live in this house with the poor remaining shells. I don't even want to look at them anymore. I feel like he has taken all of our happy memories and given them to her.

Last week, when I found out about this I had a physical response: I was shaking and I almost threw up. I was like that every time I thought about it for days. I am much calmer now...but wait! It gets worse.

My husband is away on business right now. He called and asked if we were "all good" again as when we parted I was pretty full-on upset. I was like, yeah - but we still have to work this out. What is there to work out? I don't know what he can say or do to fix this. I literally have no idea what will make me feel okay again. Maybe her head on a platter surrounded by my shells. That would make me feel a little bit better...

Honestly, I am so filled with pain over this discovery that I cannot think straight. Does anyone think I should try to get my shells back? Should I throw the rest of the shells out? (Looking at them makes me want to scream...) Should I inform the OW that she has been given my things as a sick gift? Or should I just try to put it out of my mind?

I am so tired of re-hashing this stuff. I do just want to work on rebuilding my marriage. But this is pretty bad. How should I deal with it? I wish I did not know this. I know disclosure is important but I also read that there are some things that if you know them (usually sexual) that can do more harm than good. Surely this is one of those things.

Aughhh! Any advise or guidance on this would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you

Can you link this to your other thread? It will give people more idea of background...

OK, so you've just discovered why it is a terrible idea to wallow around in affair land and the mistakes of the past. It hurts like crazy and destroys your lovebank.

Delete the emails and throw away your shells.

Brainstorm how you can prevent an future IT mistake like this happening again. Brainstorm what other surprise triggers may pop up and defeat them before they do.

Next time this happens, get rid immediately. Even if you have to bring in a third party to delete the emails. I understand why your H did not want to look as it would have triggered him.



Nahhhh. She knows she was screwing a married man and geting sloppy seconds. And if she is too dumb to know that, that isn't your problem.

I actually find it rather intriguing Pink, that he was trying to cover her with things that were reminiscent of you. And even trying to graft memories of you onto her.

Because she was not the real deal, you are. She was the cheap imitation.

The OW in my case copied my hairstyle in the exact same sick sort of logic.

They say not to revisit the past if you are moving forward in recovery. But he obviously is still in a time warp. He should have deleted the e-mails right away. The fact that he didn't means he is still in the fog. If he had deleted the e-mails you would have never seen them. You have a right to see his e-mails, esp. if they are artifacts of his affair. And you have a right to share with him your immense pain from their content. Without disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts, you need to share with your husband the pain this e-mail has caused and you need to insist that he delete them right away.

He is still in the fog. Let him know it. And watch his every move. Don't let him off the hook.

Yes, it is upsetting about waywards devaluing their wives and cherished memories and etc. It is part of the affair recipe though. Try NOT to take it personally though it seems to be very personal.

It is more concerning that your H is on 'another business trip'.

To rebuild romance and fight an affair..........you and he should not be apart.

It is asking for more angst and betrayel.

Whatever his job is, he should show enough concern to change jobs so he sleeps with you every single night for the rest of your lives. (and, he could STILL cheat during the day but it is one less issue creating a problem).

Another great post by indiegirl. I thought the same thing when I read this: she got sloppy seconds. If those shells trigger you now, why not consider bagging them up and taking them to Good Will?

Does your husband travel much? Because that is a huge problem.

I am sorry for your pain, pinkstraws. I promise it will get better!

Pink. Has your WH gotten rid of all the gifts that OW has given him? I remember that my own FWH had a hard time with that one and wanted to hold on to his secret fantasy of OW.

After asking my FWH to get rid of her gifts, I was still finding things months later. With each discovery, I was sent back to DDAY and any recovery we had made was destroyed. I finally had to take things into my own hands and sanitize my home myself. My own personal rule was that, if I did not know without doubt where something came from, it went straight into the bin.

Waywards are notorious for rewriting history. Don't dwell on the hurtful things your WH did while in his fantasy. They were not real. Believe me, I know how hard it is to stop looking back and I remember the shaking. Force yourself to look at the positive changes he is making now.

Keep posting. Your WH needs you to help him pull his head out of his butt. Think of him as an addict.

It is his actions to protect you and the marriage that will make you feel better. What is his plan to protect you from other affairs? Is he on board with MB?




I don't think this will make you feel better in the long run because the OW could have been anyone. Until you build a completely integrated life where a secret second life would be impossible, you will not fully recover because your instincts will tell you that you are still at risk. Traveling jobs are a disaster in marriages.

Hi pink,

Can you answer a few things...

What was the duration of the affair?
When was DDay?
Did WH moved out at anytime during the affair or after Dday?
When you say there was disclosure by WH, did he answer all your questions or did he only confirm things you found and confronted him with?

Sorry for your all your pain.

I disagree with the others about the emails. I would NOT delete them. I do not think a BS should ever get rid of affair evidence until they are FAR into recovery. You do not have to have them in your home if you burn them to a disc. You can store them outside of your home if you are too tempted to look at them.

That's a heck of a time bomb. I know ALL the gross details (physical) of my FWW A, but the knowledge of the gift he gave her hurt more in some ways. It was a simple necklace (she said a GF gave it to her) that she wore everywhere. I had to toss months of family pictures with her brandishing that cheap affair trinket.

I would toss those shells. Maybe think of something else to collect from the beach, sand is nice. That's what my mother collects.

The other thing already mentioned is that you have to get onboard with MB. You can't just vent. If you answer the vets questions and take their advice, you will have the best chance of getting through this and on your way to recovery.

Pinkstraws,

I think your husband's behavior during his affair was very typical. My husband and I collected kaleidoscopes for many years. He gave OW a kaleidoscope for Christmas. Ironically, that same Christmas, I gave him a kaleidoscope. I still have the kaleidoscopes, but they are dusty and I don't spend time looking at them. Nor have we gotten any new ones in the last five years. H was saying/doing all kinds of things to impart "me" into OW. Pretty crazy, right?

Most importantly are the things you are doing/not doing to recover your marriage. Spending nights apart is a terrible idea. Do you and your husband spend at least 20 hours a week in undivided attention, meeting each other's critical emotional needs? You talked in an earlier post about signing up for the MB program. Did you and your husband do that? Recovery after an affair does not happen by chance. It takes a plan and an execution of that plan.

AM

Totally agree with MMM about throwing the shells out. Honestly, they will just bring a yucky feeling from here on out whenever you look at them.

One of our agreements is that any time an article from our past lives triggers me, I get to pitch it. I've even pitched 33 years of previously precious Christmas decorations because now they make me ill when I think of all of the Christmas Eve parties that I worked my butt off alone for.... H would mysteriously always be "late for the party" on Christmas Eve. I packed up our daughters' handmade items and gave them those boxes. Other than that, IF we have a Christmas party in the future, we will start fresh.

PinkStraws:

I agree with the idea of stashing those emails. Put them on a disc somewhere you and he can't look at them. (Maybe give them to a friend?)

I saved my fWH's correspondence in a separate file, as evidence. Turns out I did need it, when the OW continued to try to contact my fWH, in order to talk to OW's company and my lawyer. I will need this evidence in the future, if OW ever tries contact, to file a restraining order. However, I hope I never need to use it. And, I don't go in and read those emails, ever...

Wow. Okay, so I was wondering what would make me feel better and I found it: all of these replies! Thank you everyone. Sincerely. Just having some empathy from people who have been there is huge.

I actually do not know how to link to previous posts. I'll investigate and try.

We are trying to fix the traveling thing. Personally I felt like it was possibly a good thing for him to be away for a bit as I was so enraged by this gift I needed the time to cool off. We've taken steps to change both of our jobs to eliminate this business trip problem but it is my job that's the culprit and I have a contract until June. Due to kids and things, there is no way to change this.

I did have the emails on a removable drive but in weak moments I would look at a few so I threw it out. For my mental health I think I need them gone from the earth. Funny about the gifts - I thought they were all gone but there is this book that I noticed the other day and it seemed like nothing he would get for himself. Out it goes today! I have scoured the house and that seems to be it. I hate the idea of throwing my stuff out but people are right - it will never be a good memory anymore. I think I will box it up for now. I just don't want to look at it.

I never asked him about the gift she gave him when he gave her the shells. I did not want to know at the time we discussed it. I thought I would ask later. Maybe I don't want to know ever. Could I just ask him if he threw it out? Do I need to know what it was?

Some people have picked up that my husband seems lazy about the work he needs to do. Yes! It is starting to annoy me on as a separate issue. He did the NC letter, he has done everything I have asked...but it takes ages and pestering him to do the right thing makes me feel resentful. We talk a lot. He knows how I feel. He seems empathetic but he's like the kids not picking up after themselves or whatever - there is always a reason why it isn't done.

I feel like we are going up this hill and I am dragging him along and I am getting really tired. I get that it is painful for him too. I get that he wishes it would just go away. I don't want to take it personally. On more rational days I realize that a hurt-crazed wife is not as appealing as the memory of the OW...ugh. I really hate all of this.

I love my husband but I am having more thoughts about the peace and relative tranquility of our months apart (he was gone from january to May 1). I cried over the affair but then I lived my life without too much disruption or pain...until he came back, that is!

We are doing MB sllloooooowwwwlllly.

Thanks again everyone. These last 14 posts have really made me feel so much better. This forum is amazing!!!!

Nahhhh. She knows she was screwing a married man and geting sloppy seconds. And if she is too dumb to know that, that isn't your problem. [/quote]

Just have to say that I love this.

You know what? - this is how I am going to think of this "gift crisis" moving forward. I am going to think of this incredibly stupid woman looking at her chain of shells which is a reminder that she is nothing more than a cheap imitation of me.

Thank you Indiegirl for this much more positive view of a terrible thing.

Thanks gloveoil! I like your signature.