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Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan
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What a super article, chickadee. And so very true. It is true that one has to know the history of their life in order to move on. Liked the last paragraph As a psychiatrist, I can tell you that it�s often a painstaking process to reconstruct a coherent personal history piece by piece � one that acknowledges the deception while reaffirming the actual life experience. Yet it�s work that needs to be done. Moving forward in life is hard or even, at times, impossible, without owning a narrative of one�s past. Isak Dinesen has been quoted as saying �all sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story or tell a story about them.� Perhaps robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think this is a great article on the dissonance people feel when forced to reconcile their version of reality with a betrayal.
I just want to point out that while everyone loves a good redemption story, society usually only forgives people for "minor" transgressions like infidelity, alcoholism, and reckless spending. When it comes to crime, we are much less forgiving. According to Amnesty International, "There are at least 2,500 people in the US serving life imprisonment without the possibility of parole for crimes committed when they were under 18 years old. The United States is believed to stand alone in sentencing children to life without parole. Although several countries technically permit the practice, Amnesty International knows of no cases outside the US where such a sentence has been imposed in recent years." Too bad the comments were closed...I about fell out of my seat when I read some of the comments below the article. I would have loved to set this person straight. "minor' transgressions like Infidelity and Alcoholism...geesh. Pretty good insight though from the author though. although the poster does somewhat redeem herself.???? maybe.. i think we have it backwards---we should be less forgiving of the people who commit the inter-personal crimes of betrayal discussed above, in light of the sustained, intentional deceit and the long-term psychological effect on victims, whose vision of self and reality has been shattered by the person they trusted the most. We should be infinitely more compassionate toward people who commit crimes, even violent ones but especially nonviolent drug offenses, because while no one deserves to be victimized, everyone deserves a new beginning.
Last edited by 20YearHistory; 10/09/13 02:50 PM.
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"minor' transgressions like Infidelity and Alcoholism...geesh.  I guess it's "minor" when it's not your ox getting gored! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"minor' transgressions like Infidelity and Alcoholism...geesh. I guess it's "minor" when it's not your ox getting gored! To me, this is an indictment of the horrible level of acceptability of adultery in modern society. The first friend I told, hours after D-Day 1, said, "Well, these things happen..." Another friend 'fessed up to his own infidelity, but said it as no big deal to his BW, as she made up her mind to just put it behind her, as should I.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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"They castigate themselves about why they didn�t suspect what was going on. The emotions they feel, while seemingly more benign than those of the perpetrator, may in the long run be more corrosive: humiliation, embarrassment, a sense of having been na�ve or blind, alienation from those who knew the truth all along and, worst of all, bitterness. "
Really great article. Thanks for posting it. It really sheds light on some of the struggles I'm still having.
Catwhit - I've also been given the same advice - just "forgive" and "go on with your life"...
However, I don't know how "therapy" would help. Does anyone think it would? I'm just trying to focus on creating a happy present and future.
me - 44
WH - 44
married 19 years
2 daughters - 15 & 13
D-day: 11/19/2012
Didn't find out until years later - A with coworker, 2008 & again in 2010 or 2011
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However, I don't know how "therapy" would help. Does anyone think it would? I'm just trying to focus on creating a happy present and future. You need the truth, rather than therapy. Either from the wayward or your own logic. It depends on what path you're on. If you're recovering, you need your spouse to tell you all about the A and get every single detail known first. THEN you can move on. In Plan B it's a bit different. You have to create a new happy life in the present of course and make plans for the future. But a big part of Plan B is grieving and logically working out the truth for yourself. You grieve a bit every day. Every day you remember another probable lie that you missed at the time. When you correct the truth of that memory, it settles and goes away. Then the next day will bring a new memory for you to correct until they are all gone. It's why people refusing to go into Plan B drive me stone cold crazy. Each day they stick around to hear more lies is not just another day they get hurt but also another day's work they will have to do in grieving.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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However, I don't know how "therapy" would help. Does anyone think it would? I'm just trying to focus on creating a happy present and future. Talking about your childhood or trying to reach some sort of diagnosis wouldn't help at all. Developing a plan of care, and learning healthy coping skills are good for everybody. So, any "therapist" that wants to reach into the past is looking at trying to hook you for the long run. Anyone who helps you develop the second set of skills is actually trying to help you. However, you can get a lot of good tips here, and/or from the radio show for free.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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