Hi, I need some input and would appreciate your honest point of view

So just last night I found out my husband had an emotional affair with a woman who is my student. I haven�t really unraveled the whole thing and I�m still mourning. I haven�t figured out what�s going to happen to my marriage. But I have been thinking about the OW.
She actually had the nerve this morning to come to my office to say sorry... plus other stuff I sincerely don�t believe.

Well my dilema here, is what to do with her. I asked her not to come to my class for a week, you know, I don�t want to be reminded every day of what she did with my husband. I can not stand it. We will talk then on what�s next. Seriously I just feel like failing her in the class, but that means I will see her again next semester, I�m the only professor teaching that class. But I can not see her face for two more months, while I struggle with my life, because of her.

Any suggestiongs?

Hi alada, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here. How does your husband have access to your students? Have the OW parents been informed of the affair? Has the affair been exposed?

Perhaps you offer the girl the opportunity to obtain a "C" in your class if she agrees to not show up the rest of the semester. If she's a top student a "b" might have to be the offer and if she's a straight "A" student and finds that unacceptable..well she'll be needing to drop your class and transfer because she won't be getting an "A" in your class ever.

You may also be strongly encouraging her to transfer because just getting by in your class this semester doesn't mean your other faculty friends will be so gracious in the future. Passing at your school just got much harder for her so transferring far away is in her best interests. University of Hawaii, I hear, has a nice program.

Also, how do her parents feel about her having an affair with her professor's husband? How old is this student and how old is your husband?

Thanks all for your responses.

Well University of Hawaii seems a good idea, but is a very nice place for her.

She is about 25, not sure. My husband is 34.

I have been sending FB messages to her friends, I have no way of contacting her father. Her mother does not live with her. She has a boyfriend too, but I've been thinking about exposing it to him. I live in a highly violent city, and I'm afraid of some physical repercusion for her and my husband.

My husband is also a student, and he sits at different classes with her.

thanks again for your words.

The first step is for your husband to cut off all contact with her for life. That means he will have to leave the school, which is probably a good idea since he has such poor boundaries around women.

I would most certainly expose the affair to her father and to her boyfriend, in addition to your family and friends.

Can you reach the girls mother?

How long have you been married?

Do you and your H have children?

What is your H in school for (would his potential career be marriage friendly or destructive to a marriage)?

Has he been employed in the past?

Hopefully this is sarcasm.

Violating the code of ethics of a profession is, of course, not a solution to this obvious problem.

Disclose the conflict of interest to your department chair immediately.

BV

The best thing to do is to give the OW independent study work. You send her the assignments through email. She hands them in the same way. You grade them. End of story.

To bring this matter to the dean or dept chair will be handing people a problem that they do not want to de with.

OW has a 4.0, you gave her a C. Why is this payback.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this! I have been a long-time lurker on this Board (since 2004). This forum has been a blessing to me! Without it and an amazing pro-marriage, pro-MB and Imago Relationship therapist, my marriage would not be where it is today (better than ever imagined, blissful and with full honesty and transparency). Your situation has compelled me to post for the first time in years (can't even remember my old username).

Please, please, please do not, under any circumstances, follow the advice above regarding negotiating grades or alternate arrangements with this student. You need to immediately report this to your department chair and/or dean and have them help you deal with this situation.

I had a colleague who had a similar situation: My colleague's partner, also a faculty member, had an affair with my colleague's student. When the student received a low grade (which she deserved), she filed charges against my colleague. It ended up being a long, drawn out process (investigation, lawyers, faculty union, etc.) and very painful for my colleague, personally and professionally.

Don't let this situation compromise your career. Take all the precautions you can to protect yourself. Call your chair and/or dean immediately.

Sending you good, healing thoughts --
A long-time lurker and college administrator

Yeah...listen to them.

Act, don't react.

Thanks for talking me (and the OP) off the ledge Broken and the newbie, Sianna.

In my defense...I did say "perhaps" (lol)

Ethics suck.

In a fair world you could fail OW and she'd take her lumps and leave too embarrassed to complain to a staff that would support their colleague 100% anyway. Miss the days when these whorable people had any shame for their behavior.

Good luck

You may need to check your schools policy on teacher interaction students via FB of a personal nature. Exposure via fb may violate policies intended to enforce proper boundaries No sense getting yourself into professional hot water.

Agree it would be best for all for ow to transfer.

Don't think a passing grade for dropping class is a good idea. That is just another lie. Your recovery depends upon insisting on truth.

Could ow take an equivalent class online? Your admin might work with you to make this possible out of consideration for the harm you would suffer otherwise.

There is still the problem of your husband seeing her in his other classes. This needs to be solved.

Additionally, since he has such poor boundaries around women, I would insist he quit school altogether. Perhaps he get his degree online since we know he can't resist temptation in a classroom setting. The environment that led to the affair should be eliminated.

Thinking this through has made me come to the conclusion that this matter of the OW being your student must be brought to the attention of the administration and your union.

This is needed to protect yourself from any thing that the OW may try. Whether to say you are prejudiced against her and have or you are academically harming her.

If the OW lodges a complaint first before you come forward it will make things bad for you. As with exposure one never tells the WS that you will expose. They will beat you to the punch and spread their story.Because the one that gets heard first is most often believed more.

Bring this matter to light first thing Monday morning to the admin and your union.

Agreeing with TheRoad here. Bring it to the admin, the union, to be sure that YOU are not cast in the wrong here.

Alada,

What are you going to do?

Thanks everyone, sorry for being absent, you can imagine I've been busy and not have a head for this.

My husband is indeed dropping this semester, her parent and boyfriend now know of the affair. He is at the vet school

I'm scheduling a meeting with the head of the department right now.

I've been meditating about this during the wekend, and this is what I though. Right now she is a C student, however she will miss at least three classes, and a presentation as of now, that is enough to fail her.
Going through the syllabus(is not exactly the syllabus, I cannot find a proper translation, this is not in a USA school) it reads. Goals- students will be taugh honesty, respect and ethics in its professional career. This is besides academic standards, so this leads me to believe that as a professor I do need to fail her. But still, I know I'm biased, so I will talk this with the dean soon.

thanks again for all your comments.

Although I don't consider myself qualified, I hope it's okay if I just throw this out there as a brainstorm.

It's too bad that you can't take a leave of absence (even if just for that class period). Since your husband is withdrawing, he can replace the income lost, as a result of his poor boundaries and choices.

Maybe a substitute, disinterested professor could reasonably call her out for lack of ethics. However, it's highly doubtful that the administration's first priority will be saving your marriage, and their determinations are bound to conflict with your personal/marital recovery.

Thank goodness that you have come here for help. You are in the right place.