Hello. I need some guidance or inspiration.
In August of last year I returned from Afghanistan after being a trauma physician. Prior to my deployment my wife and I had our problems but it appeared we were on the right track, were planning a major family move involving my family,ex-wife family, and my parents. While deployed I noticed the care packages were missing stuff from my wife. I took in stride after she said everything was ok. I returned home in August and we went on a vacation 1 week later. While on vacation she shocked me when she informed me she was aware of an affair I had 3 years ago while she was pregnant. She had become aware of it 1 year prior when someone sent her an anominous letter. she never confronted me until that day. She asked me to fess up put I was too embarassed and scared. I treied handling it in my own fashion by trying to do things to bring us closer together . War had showed me how short life can be and how important my wife is. I tried hard. She just kept backing away. We would get into arguments about little things. Part was because i was more irritable from my experince, the other was frustration. In January she left me and left the state filing a restring order that she feared for her life. I was devestated by her perception and that my wife feared me. I wentinto counceling personal and group. I prayed. I was forced to file for divorce to get her to return with our children. The court ordered her to return and one month later she countered with her divorce. The restraing order was lifted. Child services found no signs of abuse. My counceling has been eye opening. I didn't realize how I was trying to get every one to live my life because it has worked for me all my life. I like chaos and excel in it. My therpaist mentions that I am less than 1% in my career filed and less than 1 percent being in the military. In essence I am the abnormal. Ther have been many inciteful lessions which I have pacticed since she left. Our relationship has improved. I see her almost every day. We watch tv together after the kids are in bed. We went to a play. I have told her that I want to reconcile. She states she doesn't. She states she felt abused verbally and emotionally during our marriage and that she had been unhappy. She said I should have gone to counceling when she asked back last August. She has said she doe not love me. Yet she states maybe if all goes well we can remarry or have an relationship in the future. She still refused to see a marraige councelor. She said she needs the divorce for her to show she did not give in to me. She does recognize my changes. She is happy withthem. I have done every thing she wanted me to do in order to rebuild trust. I feel we ar healing but my divorce does not give me enuoght time to heal. I have told her I do not want the same relatinsip in our marriage. I want a differnt relationship and marriage for our future. I want a diffent life for us. She knows I love her and I miss our twins who are 3.She knows I ended the affair prio to our kids being born and it wasn't a relationship. I have asked her to give me a chance to see if we can heal. I have aked for 2 yars to heal and try to reconcile. She says she has fears. I acknowledge them. I am trying my best to open her closed heart and also mend our mariage. She knows that I value my marrige and that she is important to me. I have told her I will not divorce her and that if she wants it she will have to take me to trial. She doesn't want that because of money and that she feels it will destroy what we have slowly created. I have told her that i now i have made major mistakes in life. I have learned alot since she left and counceling has helped. I understand why id di things. I have created a group to help keep me accountable. I am asking for a chance. I have even offered hesitanetly to back it with a post-nup. What else can I do? It appears she doesn't want to let down her family and friends. She see's how much the twins love it when we are togheter. Court puts so much stress on us when the date pop up.

hi Michael, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would start by showing her how you will protect her from another affair. First off, have you given her the complete truth about your affair? How will you prevent this from happening again? Are you going to be deployed again?

I don't get the sense you have been truthful about your affair especially when you use verbiage like
An affair is a relationship and it seems you are minimizing it. An affair is no small thing to any spouse so minimizing it to your victim just conveys a lack of concern. That lack of concern about behavior that is as traumatic as rape or physical assault would scare any person off.

Dear Melody,
Thanks for the response. I have been truthful to her. 7 days after she left I talked with my cousin and I went into counceling. That has been an eye opening experience. My wife has participated with me in counceling once to give her input. I have also seen a psychiatrist per her request and she has requested to speak with him also. Each one has said that I do not have a mental illness, but I do have behaviors and traits which were incorrect. I have worked on these for the past 9 months and my wife has seen dramatic changes. I have been trying to regain her trust by creating and honest and open relationship were we are both working as a partnership. The partnership does not work if we are holding back or not being honest. I have read many books and been to counceling. My wife has concerns and fears. I have learned in therapy why I did what I did. I recognize the seriousness of my violation of my vows and trust. I have told her that I will continue in counceling for a lifetime it is needed. The guidance and enlightentment has been so productive and changed me that I want to continue it because it improve me as a person, father, and husband. I have talked to her that I am accountable for my actions but also want a group of people (5) who I trust with my life and I am confident will stand up to me/guide me/ in my life. I want them there for me but also for my wife when she has questions or concerns. Finally our relationship with one another has changed. We communicate more easily and open now. Before I would try to solve my problems on my own. Finally I know it is a risk for her to trust me. A leap of faith. I have also asked if a post-nup is something she would need.

I am still in the military as a reservist. I am a trauma physician in the military and civilian world. I have a chance of being deployed one more time in my career. We have talked about the military together. I have asked her if she would like me to quit or take a leave. She doesn't want me to do it. She has stated that she was concerned about my past deployment and the military mission I did which put me in harms way. I never understood that she was upset because I did a job which could jepordize my family and our relationship.

Dear Melody,
Thanks for the response. I have been truthful to her. 7 days after she left I talked with my cousin and I went into counceling. That has been an eye opening experience. My wife has participated with me in counceling once to give her input. I have also seen a psychiatrist per her request and she has requested to speak with him also. Each one has said that I do not have a mental illness, but I do have behaviors and traits which were incorrect. I have worked on these for the past 9 months and my wife has seen dramatic changes. I have been trying to regain her trust by creating and honest and open relationship were we are both working as a partnership. The partnership does not work if we are holding back or not being honest. I have read many books and been to counceling. My wife has concerns and fears. I have learned in therapy why I did what I did. I recognize the seriousness of my violation of my vows and trust. I have told her that I will continue in counceling for a lifetime it is needed. The guidance and enlightentment has been so productive and changed me that I want to continue it because it improve me as a person, father, and husband. I have talked to her that I am accountable for my actions but also want a group of people (5) who I trust with my life and I am confident will stand up to me/guide me/ in my life. I want them there for me but also for my wife when she has questions or concerns. Finally our relationship with one another has changed. We communicate more easily and open now. Before I would try to solve my problems on my own. Finally I know it is a risk for her to trust me. A leap of faith. I have also asked if a post-nup is something she would need.

I am still in the military as a reservist. I am a trauma physician in the military and civilian world. I have a chance of being deployed one more time in my career. We have talked about the military together. I have asked her if she would like me to quit or take a leave. She doesn't want me to do it. She has stated that she was concerned about my past deployment and the military mission I did which put me in harms way. I never understood that she was upset because I did a job which could jepordize my family and our relationship.

What did you tell her about the affair? Did you answer all her questions? Does she have the full name of the OW? What you did? The timeline? Does she know everything?


I would quit the military so you are not deployed again. Deployment will be a disaster to your marriage.

I will talk to her more about the military this week. I have repeatedly said that our future is a partnership in what we both do. If needed I can take a leave for a 1-2 years. Get back a weekend a month of our lives.

It is a difficult week coming up. We have our 4 way with the lawyers on Tuesday. She has agreed to do a marriage mediator on Wedesday with me. I fear she is doing it to placate me and my desire to mend our marriage. I feel she will only go this one time, state her position, then that is it. It is a chance I think we need it where a third party not working for the single interest but for the intersest of both. Then if all does not go well we have a pre-trial of our divorce next Monday. I have expressed to my lawyer that I can't not reconcile and divorce at the same time. I feel I should drop my divorce. She still has hers. The best thing is she drops hers or puts it on hold. The middle option ( and a worry) is she drops her divorce, is no longer bound by the court to stay in our state, then runs back to her home state with the kids 1000miles away. The worst case is the divorce moves forward.

We are having good times. Today we got into a discussion when she was upset with a decision I made. I took a break, thought about it and told her that she is important, her decisions are important, and I changed my opinion. We then ended up having a memorable family day. She did two bucket list items she always wanted to do. My parents, our children, and we had a great time. This is one of many good times that have been occuring more frequently over the past 2 months.

She does see we can have good times. She has so many fears. 1. Fear of not following through with what she started. 2. Fear of giving into me again. 3. Fear that her family will not accept me and will not approve of her decision. 4. Fear of our marriage going back to the old pattern. 5. Fear that she will lose herself again. I have tried to address each one with her to give her reassurance but it is hard.

What did you tell her about the affair? Did you answer all her questions? Does she have the full name of the OW? What you did? The timeline? Does she know everything?