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Originally Posted By: toni9999

For the first time in m y life I truly don't know what to do.


You really have 2 paths before you where happiness lies. One is with your husband and the other one lies in being alone [and perhaps starting over with someone new AFTER you are divorced and available] You don't have a future with the bf. That is a renters relationship that will never bring you long term happiness. You have everything going against that relationship because it is an affair and because you made the mistake of shacking up. Those relationships are renters relationships that tenuous and fleeting.

I would start first by losing this boyfriend and testing your husband to see if he is interested in reconciling. But the relationship with the bf is a waste of your time.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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actually on the note of renters etc. I have started reading stuff on this site but would be keen to buy a book. Which would be the best for me in this current situation ? appreciate any advice

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The best book at this time would be Surviving an Affair BY DR WILLARD Harley

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Originally Posted By: toni9999
actually on the note of renters etc. I have started reading stuff on this site but would be keen to buy a book. Which would be the best for me in this current situation ? appreciate any advice

I would definitely buy both books if you can.

Surviving an Affair and Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Have you thought about emailing the Harleys on their radio show?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I live in new Zealand and thought time differences etc might not be right.

Why would I get the book surviving an affair ? Is it not aimed at the injured party?

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Originally Posted By: toni9999
I live in new Zealand and thought time differences etc might not be right.

Why would I get the book surviving an affair ? Is it not aimed at the injured party?

It is aimed at both parties. It teaches you how to affair proof any marriage, which we all can learn from.

You can always write them an email and they will still answer your question and read it on the radio show.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: toni9999
actually on the note of renters etc. I have started reading stuff on this site but would be keen to buy a book. Which would be the best for me in this current situation ? appreciate any advice


I would get Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. You will find that to be huge eye opener. It changed the way I looked at relationships in a dramatic way.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I would most certainly dump your boyfriend. Like you he wants to have his cake and eat it too by not getting divorced. He is not willing to offer a lifetime commitment because he is only looking out for number one.

He is using you the same way as your H uses his live in OW. Someone convenient to take care of needs on a day-to-day basis. He will offer short term care but doesnt want to get married so he can be free to leave at any time.

You are going to end up old and alone if you keep jumping from one short term arrangement to another.

It is dreadful that you think so little of yourself that you would settle for this day-to-day user boyfriend of yours.

End the relationship and offer your husband a committed, fulfiling and lifelong marriage.

If he gets on board, great. If not do better next time by choosing a committed and caring man who isn't married!

Your friend sounds amazing. Keep her close.

Last edited by indiegirl; 10/09/13 05:29 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: toni9999
I live in new Zealand and thought time differences etc might not be right.

Why would I get the book surviving an affair ? Is it not aimed at the injured party?


No, it is for both. Besides, you are each victims of the other.

It is not the labels, it is the behavior. Use SAA to learn the behavior needed to overcome an affair. You just may be able to repair your marriage.

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It has been at least 8 years since our separation with absolute minimum contact , almost none since then. How can I start to reconnect with him. He is still bitter post my affair but he sort of friendly when we do talk . What can I do , to increase contact and try to break down walls and more importantly mend bridges

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How old are you and your BH?

Did you have any kids?

Are you or the BH seeing anyone now?

How long did the OM stay in your life?

Have you asked your BH to do a recreational activity? That is a good way to reconnect.

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Toni
You aren't divorced are you?
I suggest you post in Surviving an Affair and hit "notify mod" button and ask the mods to merge your threads into onw thread in Surviving An Affair.

You will find tge help you need there.
However you will need to post regularly and answer any questions posted to you.

The first step, as earlier suggested to you, is to read Buyers Renters and Freeloaders by Dr Willard Harley. It is also available in audio book. Have you got a copy yet?

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Oh and work on permanently ending your relationship with your boyfriend

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My BH and I are 52
3 grown children ..no grandchildren yet
We have other partners . he lives with is and I dont.
Once my texts were found I never spoke or saw the guy I was having affair with again. It had not quite got to sexual stage.

I feel reluctant to go to surviving an affair since it seems and it did reading it , that it was really for those that had been on the opposite side of me.

Yes I will download renters etc but I don't think I can end my relationship with current boyfriend. We have been together 2 years I think I love him.
My draw to my BH is history, familiarity but most importantly to get family back together. He was a great husband and is a good father . I would reconcile for those reasons. The family reuniting is more powerful than love to me.

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Quote:
but I don't think I can end my relationship with current boyfriend

May I ask why you're here, then?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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I also love my BH and I love the boyfriend and I am scared to let go of what I have now and yet I cant see a future without BH. I am so stuck in that clich ...a rock and a hard place. I need some advise on firstly how to try and reconnect with Bh to see if my feelings are based on only dimmed memories and a false ideal of the perfect family.

I am wanting my cake and eating it too for sure , call me weak . Is my only option in this situation to finish with the boyfriend and then wait and see if BH dislike of me has melted.

Last edited by toni9999; 10/16/13 10:44 PM.
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Dr Harley would probably encourage you to first:

End relationship with boyfriend; statistically it has only a dismal chance of success. As I recall your BF is also married/ separated and unwilling to divorce. There is no commitment. This is what Dr Harley refers to as a "renter relationship"

Until you do this, your words to your husband are meaningless without action.

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okay will get reading that book immediately

Also he is living with the woman who helped him exit the marriage

Last edited by toni9999; 10/17/13 12:08 AM.
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Originally Posted By: toni9999
I also love my BH and I love the boyfriend and I am scared to let go of what I have now and yet I cant see a future without BH. I am so stuck in that clich ...a rock and a hard place. I need some advise on firstly how to try and reconnect with Bh to see if my feelings are based on only dimmed memories and a false ideal of the perfect family.

I am wanting my cake and eating it too for sure , call me weak . Is my only option in this situation to finish with the boyfriend and then wait and see if BH dislike of me has melted.


This is why I didn't date before my divorce was final and I was sure it was dead forever.

A) Only poor quality renters are interested in dating a married woman who is half-in, half out.

B) Feeling love for two different people is a bad place to be.

You should never have even started dating this guy! WHO IS MARRIED TOO!!!!

He is clearly a poor quality renter, who only values you for your corresponding lack of commitment.

Why should your husband take you back?

Right now you value a poor quality renter who you only 'think' you love over a shot with him!

You are never going to get great quality while you settle for poor quality.

So start with tossing out the poor quality.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could at least look your granchildren and children in the eye knowing you did your best?

And if recovery doesn't work you can start REAL dating as a SINGLE woman, not as a married renters magnet. Being a good catch, who is willing to commit, is a good way to get great quality relationships in life.

You get back what you put in.

Last edited by indiegirl; 10/17/13 06:05 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Quote:
but I don't think I can end my relationship with current boyfriend

May I ask why you're here, then?


Exactly that, why?

There is no reason for you BH to believe you when you tell him that it is only him that you want to be with.

Then he watches you leave to go home to get banged by your OM that night.

You want your family back or you want your OM.

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