I have been married for 15 years + 6 dating. At year one of dating he said he thought he could do better. We broke up. I stopped all contact. 1 year later, he came back. We got married. At year 7 of marriage he went to vegas came home acted weird, I asked if he cheated on me? He said "NO!" 3 weeks later a dr release came to the house stating he did NOT have any STD's. I calmly confronted. It took 30 minutes but he finally started crying telling me it was a hook up with a porn girl there. I forgave him and he was mad at me for over a week...why? "All my friends cheat and I do it once and get caught!?"

Fast forward till this past May when he took up with a girl from work. I found out because he was acting so weird...and I used Find My Iphone and found him in a hotel instead of at his buddy's house in Chicago. (we live in LA) He didn't call that whole weekend (he normally calls all the time) and when he arrived home I confronted him and he confessed right away. That night he said he was going to stop talking to her. The affair had been going on via phone for 7 weeks.

As I'm sure you guessed he didn't stop talking to her and I asked him to move out if he was going to continue his relationship. He chose to move out but said, "I'm not leaving you for her...i'm leaving you for you." Ok.

Since then I was mad for about a month and then came to the conclusion: I still love him and want to be married still to him.

Problem is he isn't sure. He claims he is confused and still lives alone in a one room place by the beach. He loves it there....she comes down from San Fran to visit 2 times a month and has also said "If I want to date a girl I met at Starbux I want to be able to!" I caught him with the SF girl and he said he cried for 2 days. He also loves coming over the house (he calls it "Home" and his apartment "my place") and comes over his 3 'assigned nights plus whenever there is something going on with the kids. He sits on the couch and watches TV, football or hangs out. He does do the laundry and other stuff around here...but he has a girlfriend and other aspirations.

We go to therapy SEPARATELY. He says he's not ready to work on the marriage yet and goes solo and says to me often: you work on you, i'll work on me and if we come together...great.

Background: His dad died the year before and he just started pulling away. I was worried, didn't know what to do....instead of reaching for him I got scared and watched him more than approaching him. I realize now that was wrong and have told him that. (we still had sex though - so I believed everything was ok) he was angry and constantly trying to fight with me. He now says "I haven't been happy in 16 years." (we've been married 15) and he says repeatedly "You've controlled me and told me what to do, now I'm standing up for myself and doing what I want to do." He also says, �I didn�t have an affair for sex, that was good, I did it for an emotional connection.� I find that weird. I had an emotional connection to him and everyone I know. He doesn�t. I sometimes feel he doesn�t know how...

Our therapist says he's 16 and rebelling against his mom. Me - i'm the mom. I am 2 years older than him. I'm not a controlling person but over the years he's been so soft on decisions with our 3 kids (13, 9 and 7) and a house we built that I'd be the only one to have an opinion and that was the way we went. I grew up in a large family in chicago - if you had an opinion, you need to say it. He grew up in a home with parents that hated each other and his dad never said he loved him. So I can see what he calls controlling.

Question: I want to keep my marriage. He has rewritten our past to make every memory a nightmare. (never was ever happy) (He is on anti-depressants and has panic attacks). We used to have great sex up until 5 days AFTER I found out he cheated - we came home from seeing our pastor who told us to go home and hold each other and we came home and had the best sex ever. That was in May. That was the last time we touched each other more than a hug.

I'd love to hear any proven advice on what should I do....(someone who did something to snap their spouse out of their fog and got them to return to their family) I've spent the past 5 months going to classes, reconnected with friends, having a blast and have maintained a positive happy attitude. I'm kind, open, loving, caring, and tell him how much I appreciate him when he's with the kids, takes out the trash, does dishes and laundry. Because I think that is important to say to any human.

Nothing has worked. Yesterday after spending time on this site and reading responses, I told him I didn't want him on the couch today watching the game....he could take the kids to the local pub. He didn't want to go but I said I didn't want him here So he took them out, texted complaining the whole time and when he came home, he took his phone upstairs and was texting someone in the dark in our (well mine now) bedroom.

I found him and told him politely that i've got the kids now he can go and he said goodbye to the kids and left.

Our old therapist said not to push him away or lose contact because he'll run to the other girl or any girl. But I don't know. I've got the nice and kind thing but what about boundaries? Do I change the locks, file for legal separation? We have to see each other all the time because of the kids sports/games...like tonight...we're going to dinner with another family. Is that okay? I'm thinking the more he sees me the better? But then I'm like maybe that is wrong. He needs to NOT see me? Did anyone do the NC thing and it drew the other in...they actually missed you? I kinda want him to see me happy but away from him...but maybe that is wrong. Yet I think if I was out of sight I'd be out of mind because he has been so bitter and angry at me. Good riddance? I'm being negative on myself and that is wrong. But when someone creates 'new memories' in their head....you can't beat that, right?

Thank you in advance for your support, advice and help. I do want another chance at rebuilding my marriage. ...hence the reason I'm posting here! XO

Hi Laurie! Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry for the reasons that bring you here. I would start first with the "start here first" thread and take a close look at the exposure thread and the article on Plan A and Plan B. There is a pretty specific step by step plan. Is it a guarantee? No, it is not. You have about a 50/50 chance at saving your marriage. But I believe this plan gives you the best chance at recovery.

The bottom line is that you can't force your husband to end his affair. But you can do things to bust up his little fantasy and you can remove yourself from the front row seat you have to his adultery.

I would also get your hands on Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair. It is an interesting, short read that will help you understand what you are dealing with. You can download it on kindle [or kindle for PC's] real quick.

So please go take a look at the material and come back and discuss.

I am in no position to give you advice except for this one: Please please please listen to the what the people on here tell you. I am trying to recover from may wifes affair and everything they have told me on here has been spot on. Melody seems especially helpful.

Expose the affair!!!!!!!!

Thank you, SEJ!

When you've had a look at Exposure, Plan A and Plan B, tell us who is on your exposure list.

It sounds like you have been Plan Aing him for a long time and this leads to 'having your cake and eating it too' syndrome.

He isn't 'unsure' at all - he wants to have access to home life while having access to other women whenever he wants.

He is very sure about that.

Okay I did it. I exposed the girl (OW) **edit** Just like I was told...it worked. Last night my H got a babysitter and took me to the empty church all happy and once we sat down (I was thinking he'd be finally admitting he was wrong and wanted to come home) he instead slams with me, "In front of God and the church...did you or did you not post something about my friend at a cheater website?"

I'm not a lier. I tried to lie but he kept asking me and I caved, "Yes, I did." Ugh. He went on for an hour about how vindictive, and manipulative I am and how he only wants to be with a woman who is kind and loving.

I was that way till he cheated. I still think I am that way. I'm just trying to get this affair done. If it's over he will get his [censored] out of the clouds. He still thinks his cheating was 50/50 and that I'm a horrible person.

I know I am not. And I'm so mad that I told him the truth but I don't want to be 'like him' and lie. Bottom line he told me to take it off or he will lose his job. (he and the OW work together) I didn't mention his name on the cheater site. Just hers. And i'm sure she is livid. And I'm hoping this is the turmoil that they need to drive a knife into their 'hidden fantasy' relationship.

Am I wrong? I told him I was sending something in to have it removed. But I didn't yet. I'm trying to wait as long as possible. Anyone have any insights on what happens the longer this stays up? Do people fight about it?

I realize I am doing the eye-for-an-eye but for a little while I feel I can be devious right? Or am I a bad person too? I said nothing untrue. It's all 100% true.

Advice?

Nothing evil or wrong about you posting the truth. I'd leave it up and ignore his guilt trips.

Also, please stick to one thread.

Sorry Laurie but where on this site or in any of the replies you got on your thread did it say to expose like this???


Expose your WH and the OW At work, via the template supplied to you already by contacting HR and managment.

Expose your WH and the OW to all your friends and family and her friends and family using the template provided.

When you use the template it is clear you are fighting for your marriage and not being vindictive, it is written in a way to help you.

Expose in one go and expose far and wide. The site is a good idea but it's no where near as effective as the proper exposure suggested to you already.

Your marriage CAN survive your WH anger about exposure but it can't survive and ongoing Afffair. Every single WS has responded the same way your WH is responding to exposure. Waywards don't just roll over and say "thanks DW or DH you telling the whole world about my Affair is a great idea I love you so much for doing it"

With all due respect, that is just silly. No one here advised you to do that. Posting the OW's name on some unknown silly website is not "exposure" and won't help you a bit. Let us know when you are serious.

LMD,

I realize I am doing the eye-for-an-eye but for a little while I feel I can be devious right? Or am I a bad person too? I said nothing untrue. It's all 100% true.

Ok put away the sling shot and arm yourself for .223 full auto exposure, gather the OWs family contacts, church contacts, facebook contact, work contacts. Then expose completely, suddenly and without warning, threats or indecision.

Bill Clinton didn't like exposure, nor did Bernard Madoff, nor most of the folks in prision.

God Bless
Gamma

Posting on a big website and trying to be anonymous is not the same as writing a thoughtful letter about the adultery and how you want help saving your marriage and can the recipient of the letter please support you in doing so.

Do you see the difference? One approach is half impersonal and weak. The other is personal and REAL.

You can do this! It is the right thing to do. Get to it and include their upper management, her contacts and all of your and your WH's contact. You're asking for help her is saving your marriage.

And you do need help!