Hi there everyone. First time poster here. I have been reading the Marriage Builder's website for a long time on my own, but my husband and I have recently purchased several MB books and have been reading them and trying to work on them together.

A (way too long) background with us:
We have been married 10 years, have 4 kids, and have never, ever been happy with each other. I know that sounds crazy, "Why would people get married if they didn't at least start out happy?!" but it's the truth. When we got together, my husband was addicted to many things. Cigarettes, alcohol, illegal drugs, and a variety of other more minor habits. This behavior is far, FAR outside my comfort zone, but there was something about him that I didn't want to let go of, and he told me he wanted to be better, and I believed him. I started out as a MAJOR giver. I would bend over backwards to make him happy and he just did not have it in him to make much effort with me. We didn't go on dates, he didn't try to do nice things for me (even small nice things), didn't try to accommodate me if anything ever bothered me, he didn't propose to me so much as casually mention that we should get married, etc. At the time, I stupidly forgave him because I thought essentially, "he has a lot of problems, had a rough life, but once he gets them worked out, he will be a great man/husband/father." I know, cray-zeeeeee

Well, it didn't take long for my Taker to rage, and demand that he change, and we started fighting BAD. Screaming, breaking things (him, not me), name calling (both of us), etc. We had our first baby a year after marriage (surprise! I was on BC.).

Anyway, in a lot of ways he has improved SO MUCH! He finished college (doing extremely well academically), he now supports us financially on his own (though he does have to work a lot to do that), he has a stellar work ethic, and no longer drinks or does illegal drugs. However, other habits have been harder to break. He still smokes behind my back (lies about it constantly, has sworn to quit 129837598927 times), and still holds on to other less savory behaviors that I just do not find attractive and never did (I just assumed he would... I don't know... outgrow them...) like swearing, frequent masturbation, caffeine addiction, watching vulgar TV shows/ listening to vulgar music, etc. He believes that my desire for him to stop these things is controlling. He also just in general struggles with the idea that what I feel about things he does should matter. He literally can't understand why I would care if he listens to gangster rap as long as he doesn't do it in front of me...

In addition to these love busters, he also has made very little effort to ever meet any emotional needs of mine. And frankly, I have become exhausted of trying to meet his. I still make efforts with things that come very naturally to me (like cooking his favorite meals, making his birthday special, being considerate of him in little things like getting the snacks he likes, etc.), but I do understand these are not exactly HIS top needs. I no longer want to have sex with him. At all. In fact, I feel awful about myself when I do. Like a prostitute. Having sex with someone who seems so emotionally distant and doesn't seem to care about you just feels terrible eventually. At least to me.

Also worth noting, I was on the radio program a few weeks ago. My name is "Mary" and I asked about sex. Dr. Harley's advice was for my husband to lay off sex for AT LEAST month while we work on our marriage. Well, he can't. He freaks out (literally, he has smashed the TV, 2 cell phones, holes in walls, remote controls, doors) in rages that start with sexual frustration. He has even told me that without having sex he will not make an effort (this was in a fit, not when he was being rational).

He also is completely impatient with progress. If he's nice to me for a couple days, he expects everything to be wonderful. No resentment, hot sex, the whole 9. I can't. For one thing, I don't trust him, and for another I just have so much HURT.

So, if you've stuck with me, wow, you're awesome. Thank you. My questions are these:

1. I am having trouble letting go of my resentment built over 10 years of bad marriage. My husband thinks he can only work on a couple love busters at a time (which in theory does not sound unreasonable to me), but I end up being hurt because there are a handful of things that are SO RAW after this long. Specifically smoking, lying, angry outbursts, swearing, and addictive behavior... So even if he doesn't smoke, for instance, I still am resentful when he keeps swearing (again, for example). What can I do? When I am resentful, he doesn't want to make any effort anymore.

2. What the crap do we do about sex??? This is his top EN, by far. And right now. I can't. I CANNOT. At least not with enthusiasm and without feeling dirty and ashamed afterward. And he does not seem to be able to function, like, as a human being, without it for more than a week. I really, really want us to have a GREAT sex life, but at this point I can't do it with our marriage the way it is. He sees this as controlling, manipulative, and a deal breaker. I don't know what to do.

Just to make sure I don't sound like a complete innocent, 5-7 years ago, I was mad ALL. THE. TIME. I was so mean to him, because I felt like he deserved it. I had been so giving, so nice, so patient, blah blah blah, that I didn't feel that bad about calling him names and saying he was horrible, and threatening divorce left and right. I don't do that now, though I DO still yell. It's such a hard habit to break. I'm still working on it, both with him and the kids. I also have made many selfish demands over the years, but again, am trying to do much better.

Thanks for reading all that. It was a bit cathartic.

Dear Braided,

you describe a host of problems.
What concerns me the most, is your husbands aggression. If he is insane enough (Dr. Harley calls it temporary insanity) during his angry outbursts to smash the tv, I am concerned for your safety and the safety of your child. Has he ever in any way, shape or form laid hands on you? Because if he has, you should seiously consider separating until he at least has his anger under control.

You describe that you are specifically resentful about smoking, lying, angry outbursts, swearing, and addictive behavior.
To me, angry outbursts (and swearing is probably just a part of that) are on a different level than smoking. This is an annoying habit and an addiction which is very difficult (but not impossible) to give up.

It is non-negotiable that your husband and you too, get your anger under control. Without that, it is not possible to gather enough love units if you are constantly draining the love bank with angry outbursts. And please think about what example you are setting for your children.

Apart from that, please realize that you have enough problems in the present without thinking about past grievances.

God bless

Happyheart

Hi Braided, welcome to Marriage Builders. Dr Harley is correct that you should stop having sex with him until the situation improves. You are already well on the way to creating an aversion, if you haven't already. The more you do this, the more resentment you will have to overcome.

His anger, however, is a deal breaker because it makes any improvement impossible. That is where I would start. I would ask him to get into anger management classes. Check out this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2640607&#Post2640607

and this radio show on anger management: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165999&Number=2603602#Post2603602

You cannot begin to solve the sex problem until your husband eliminates his Angry Outbursts:


If he is smashing TVs because of the idea of lack of sex, then he is not safe for you. The next time he gets angry, he may just very will smash you or one of your kids. He has absolutely no control over himself when he is having an angry outburst -- Dr. Harley calls angry outbursts "temporary insanity." People who are otherwise gentle have maimed or killed their spouse in an angry outburst. My own husband, who people thought of as a kind and gentle man, left bruises when I was 9 months pregnant during an angry outburst.

If he will not get into an Anger Management program today, then you need to protect yourself and your kids and LEAVE HIM until he does what it takes to keep you.

Thanks so much for the input. Honestly, I almost feel like we have too many issues at once to even deal with it all. I don't know what order to go in or what expectations to have or how much to take on at once. I know that none of our issues are unsolvable. But I do sometimes wonder if combined all of our issues might be too much... If that makes sense...

Are you still yelling and having angry outbursts? Dr. Harley says that anger in a marriage is the first thing that must end, because it is such damaging and dangerous love buster. You and your husband must both agree never to have another AO again.

Here is a marital problem analysis for you and your husband to look at. Here

After working on eliminating anger, you would start on the next most serious problem according to how you and your husband rank your problems.

Don't have sex with your husband unless you are enthusiastic about it. He will need to stop demanding it of you.

It's not too much at all! Don't be discouraged. Just start with the anger and THEN you can dive and make some fast progress. But nothing can happen until the anger problems are resolved.