I'm real sorry I did not read or maybe I just didn't understand the articles about co-habitation. My husband and I dated for a year and then decided to buy a house together and move in. It all seemed harmless. I was late 40's and he didn't want to make a total commitment at the time. Again, seemed harmless. After living together for one year, my husband asked me to marry him. I was happy and felt the relationship had moved forward. It took him a year to make a wedding date. During this time, the entire time: we always lived financially separate. He is not an emotional kind of guy, so I'd say we are emotionally independent. We both are in the same profession, but have separate businesses.

I guess I could define now what I could not then, we act and talk in mine and yours. After three years dating/living together and now seven years of marriage I am beside myself with all the talk of "I and me". I truly believe after reading the article on living together, I should have seen this coming. He is now retiring and his words are "I will be set for life". I repeated it to him and he was ok with that. I said, "I am so happy for you and I hope you have a wonderful life". Unfortunately, I have to work another 10 years before I can even think about retiring.

** My husband lends me money at commercial interest rate to purchase rental proper, instead of me going to the bank or letting me borrow the money at his pending CD rate.
** My husband sends me invoices on a spreadsheet for any trips we may take and he paid for something extra and I owe him.
** My husband actually smiles inside when I mention my business is having difficulty.
** When I take a trip to visit my son, I have to pay 100% of his and my cost. He doesn't visit his son's so I don't know if that would work the same for him.
** We have power struggles, as he has to tell me what to do and I fight him about doing it.
** We always have and always do talk in "I and me".
** He is not my biggest fan, and I've told him that and he does not deny it.

All this makes me feel isolated and not a significant part of his life. I believe it's the renters versus landlord syndrome caused by setting our lives up this way to begin with and never really making a switch.

I've been to counseling and she speaks to me about boundaries. Maybe it's a boundary issue, maybe not. I am not open to divorce, I've been there and do not want to be divorced again. I believe my husband loves me as much as he can, but it's not enough for me.

I have some ideas on how to stop this, but would really like more suggestions. Thanks for any remarks you may feel like posting.

deannlady, you sound just like my husband and I before we went through this program! We had separate bank accounts, everything. Looking back I can see that we were renters for the first 7 years. We changed all that in 2007 when we went through the MB program. It really made an amazing difference in our marriage. I would strongly recommend you try that.

Since we went through the program, we have created a fully integrated marriage. Our bank accounts are integrated and all bills are paid out of a house account. Our paychecks go into that account. We have joint savings accounts, etc, and use the POJA on all of our spending decisions. All of our money is *OUR* money, there is no this is mine and this is yours.

If you followed the program he would become your biggest fan, because he would be in love with you after you learned to become an expert at meeting his needs.

This program would solve every problem you listed. It would transform your marriage from a renters marriage to a buyers marriage. It did mine..

Thank you for responding MelodyLane. I am sure you are right and I'm glad someone else out there can relate. Getting to "we" is going to have become the immediate goal.

I've learned a longtime ago that I can not change him. So, I will study more on the MB program and try to cause a change. Going forward I have been using the "we" and notice he is also starting to use that word. This is just driving me crazy at times, but it's a start.

I believe he loves me as much as he thinks he could love a woman. I don't think he has ever experienced love like I envision. Well thanks for posting. And I welcome any comments.

That is right. So each time you have to make a spending decision, discuss it with him first. No more independent behaviour from you. Lead by example. He will quickly feel safer and more secure.


Driving you crazy? Can you elaborate on that? You ought to be thinking and operating as a team so it is strange to hear that you find this crazy making.

Deann, if you can sell him on this program you can both change. But the first step will be selling him on going through the program. If you try to do this in a piecemeal fashion, you will be on here spinning your wheels for years with no improvement. There are a couple of ways to do this. If you are both very motivated and disciplined, you can do it yourself using the books, workbooks and the free radio show. If not, there is phone coaching with Dr Harley's kids, Dr Chalmers or Steve Harley. My husband and I went through the MB seminar, now called the "online program." It is just the same except that now you watch all the videos, etc from home versus flying out to a hotel for the seminar. They still assign you a coach who walks you through the program and you still get daily access to Dr Harley. It takes about a year to get through the entire program. It costs $1000 but is worth every penny.

So, there are several ways you do this. But it will take a comprehensive approach to have any effect.

One nice thing about using the online program is that if your husband needs to be motivated in certain areas, Dr Harley can do it instead of YOU. For example, my husband had angry outbursts but he used to deny IT because he did not yell or scream. Dr Harley put a quick end to that!!

Do you and your husband fight?

Driving you crazy? Can you elaborate on that? You ought to be thinking and operating as a team so it is strange to hear that you find this crazy making.


Yes, it drives me crazy that we have to play the cat and mouse game of "we". For instance, last night he stated that he would be buying "his" plane next week. And further stated that when "he" had "his" plane "we" could take a trip. I had to stop and say "when we get our plane we could take a trip". He said no when "he" got "his" plane. And I repeated myself again and he just went silent.

I'm only going to be able to handle this crazy game for so long before I want to give up.

If you call power struggles, rewording his words, just playing like he didn't hear me, or bringing up topics about things he knows hurts me, fighting then yes we fight. If you are asking if we get angry and yell, I'd have to say at times.

Really I think the core issue is both of our "I and me". That "renters" attitude when we first started our relationship that never switched. I think the previous post about me going first is a good suggestion. Recognizing my bad behavior in myself and changing me is the first step.

Thats nice, but that won't change your marriage. It is a piecemeal approach that will have no effect on your marriage and will just lead to frustration on your part when you realize it has no effect. It will take a comprehensive approach that involves selling him on the program. Can you sell him on this program?

Have you seen this?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders