There is NO POJA when it comes to my stepdaughter. She definitely does as he pleases and has no repercussions. The punishments my wife gives her are entirely ineffective as there have been no positive results or improvements.

What have you learned?

From the articles you have read and the shows you have listened to, what have you learned about dealing with anger? How do you eliminate angry outbursts?

Anger Example 2. How Self Abuse leads to Anger

David periodically had angry outbursts to his wife for the littlest things. He�s been doing it for years and didn�t know why. After each one he would make a commitment to never do it again. He could will himself to hold back his emotions for so long, but eventually, an outburst would slip out. The result would be a punishing commentary from the voice in his head about what a terrible thing he had done and what a miserable being he was.

In a typical situation David was on vacation driving the car with his wife and kids. His wife grabbed some trash from the center console to clean up the car and that tripped an anger outburst from David. He snapped at her and blurted out, �Leave that alone, I got it,� with toxic venom in his voice. With the kids in the car he got a hold of his words, but fumed inside for many more miles.

You might think that anger is something that would happen to less educated or unaccomplished people. David is neither. He is a doctor. In spite of his education, none of David�s training involved identifying and changing his core beliefs or the way his mind created emotions. With all his intelligence David couldn�t make sense of his outbursts until he began paying attention to his internal dialog and core beliefs. It turns out that they don�t teach these processes in college, or even medical school.

David started applying self awareness and Self Mastery exercises techniques. He used the inventory system outlined in the Self Mastery program to investigate and change the root causes of his anger. By changing his point of view, and increasing his awareness of thoughts, underlying beliefs, and emotions, David has been able to dissolve the large majority of his anger so far, as well as make major changes in other areas of his life.

Finding the root cause of Anger

Through the inventory process David discovered that the root cause of his anger towards his wife was self judgment. He couldn�t see it all those years because he didn�t know how to look at his thoughts from an observer point of view. He also didn�t know how those thoughts were responsible for his emotions. From the observer perspective, and becoming informed about how we create emotions, he could see how his beliefs drove his anger outbursts.

In actuality David adores his wife. He has tremendous love and respect for her. He is amazed at her patience with their kids, how well she keeps the house clean, and keeps everything organized. As far as David is concerned she is wonderful and her behaviors exemplary. However, David�s belief system uses the example of her behavior differently.

David�s unconscious mind uses the behavior of his wife as a standard of comparison for him self. The voice of the Inner Judge in his mind compares his own behaviors to his wife and finds him substandard. This internal dialog is often going on in his background thoughts when he is around her, or just thinking of her.

David�s continual criticism from the voice in his head was so incessant it amounted to emotional self abuse. It hurt emotionally each time his mind compared himself to his wife in certain areas. Belief in all those self judgments created, and then fed emotional wounds. Eventually these self judgments would build up emotional pain to the point that his mind was tired of the pain and had to push back. One way we push back against abuse is with anger.

Since David had no awareness that the pain was from his own self judgments, he blamed whoever was around him. It often showed up around his wife so his belief system assumed that she was the cause of his pain. His outburst of anger was simply a fight or flight defense mechanism trying to stop emotional pain. It�s just that the mind had unconscious beliefs that associated his emotional pain as being caused by other people like his wife. She wasn�t the cause of his emotional pain, but his unconscious mind had agreed that she was.

It would happen so fast

When David�s wife would clean up something around him, like in the car incident, David�s unconscious mind would very quickly run a story. In that story he would compare his own behaviors against the standard of his wife. The inner judge in his mind would conclude he was failing and criticize himself. The anger outburst would happen as a defense against his emotional pain. It would happen so fast that it would surprise his conscious mind.

David began by paying closer attention to what he assumed were insignificant thoughts. Once David was able to identify the false assumptions and beliefs woven in his thoughts, his emotional reactions began to shift. A critical shift happened when he saw how his self judgment created emotional pain that led to an anger reaction. This brought greater skepticism to all the hidden assumptions about his wife being some part of the cause. Suspending his belief in these unconscious assumptions was a big step in gaining control over the outbursts.

Bigger changes happened when David began to dissolve his self judgments. David learned to shift is point of view and that allowed him to suspend belief in his inner critic. Without belief in his inner critic, David�s self criticism lost its power. Once David was no longer so hard on himself his anger reaction began to dissolve.

The next step was to identify and change the beliefs that were driving the self judgments. Without the beliefs that support self judgment, the self criticism dissolves. He no longer needs to manage anger, or attempt to control emotional outbursts. What had been controlling him in so many moments of his past was now gone. David had found a way to cure himself from the angry outbursts by changing his core beliefs.

I will be praying for you and your family.

I wouldn't be feeling abused and "love bustered" if I there weren't also abuse towards me from my wife as well. ;'-(

Ernie - don't punish your wife's honesty,

The problem I am having right now is the immense and incredible amount of dishonesty from my wife about how things are happening in our marriage and in our home....

and right now, it is scaring the living daylights out of me.

The life I actually am living and the life that I am reading about from her typed responses are at times 180 degree opposites, as well as exaggerations about how events occurred.

I WANT this marriage to work - from my observations at home, I am CONVINCED (without a doubt) that my wife loves me and wants the best for us in our marriage as well. She showers me with affection,

then an hour later types out: "just honestly makes me want to pack my bags and leave". The mix of opposite signals is destroying me.

I am pouring nearly everything I have got into making her happy, fulfilling her requests,

I can't - and won't -punish her for her honesty.

I feel horribly betrayed by her dishonestly. Maybe you should come live with us a while so you can see both sides of the coin.

Four hours after her last post - she wakes me up by snuggling close to me in bed, wraps her whole body around me, showering me with kisses, and even gives me an erotic massage. What an amazing way to start the day! I was on cloud nine ...... until the wrecking ball landed on me.

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