No, that's it exactly - we've made these changes so he can be here full time.

His new US employer (by chance! of all weird things) has an office here and they want him to work here for the next seven months. If he travels I'll go with him, which was the rule we made. I did go this time, but the work on selling the house wasn't done, so he had to stay longer. That house has to be sold or we still have a residence in the OW's town.

I am not traveling at all for work for the rest of this year. I've cancelled all of it. On the calendar right now, after he gets back Tues. there is not a single night we should be away from here on out.

Honestly it takes time to unravel new jobs, new towns...even for people who live in the US. This has been a huge effort. I don't think there will be any more traveling and tomorrow is his last day there, then he is on a plane back here.

That's great!

I hate to think of H thinking about OW, but I am sure he sometimes does...mainly to think of how devastated she is without him. It took me a while to see these thoughts are connected to how well I boost his ego, because obviously the thought of someone pining away for you in despair is an ego boost that is hard to match. She knows that, of course. She knows everything about how we all react and she has done everything in her power as a therapist to seed my H with all the thoughts she wants him to have. Again, my anger towards her being unusual and long-lasting for this reason.

No, you're absolutely right. We need to take every possible step to delete her from our consciousness and this is one of them. Getting off FB would be a big loss for H though...in the sense that this is how he keeps in touch with family and friends in the US. Me too, and if he gets off FB I think I should too, which would be difficult. I will bring up the subject and we will discuss.

I guess my thing is she has a (therapist) blog and is pretty out there in the open as far as the internet goes so no matter what I do, if my H wants to peek in on her life, he could. But she cannot peek at ours if we block her and edit our preferences so non-friends can't see anything...so maybe a better solution?

Back to if I should tell her BH about the shells thing. I have not done this because I go back and forth. You made a good point that by aiding in her own withdrawl process I am reducing the threat she poses...I just hesitate in stirring up the worms on this issue now that it has calmed down again. If he reacts by telling her, she will react by contacting my H to tell him I am "bothering her" and there we go again. Their marriage is always going to be a mess as she is a really bad, selfish, immoral person. I think the threat of her will always be there. I have emails where she told my H she was thinking of him every day for the last 28 years, that they have had 28 years of foreplay, etc. She is like the terminator of OW. No joke.

By the way, I cleaned the entire house yesterday and there isn't a sheet of paper I have not touched. Nothing from the A is here. There is that weird book. I didn't throw it out. I'll ask him about it when he gets home.

I still have some larger jars of shells still out. It doesn't make me feel happy to see them, but I feel more in control of my life to be able to say - this is what it is. I can see that some of the shells are missing from one and it's just a message to never let that sort of thing happen again, I guess. A difficult lesson, but so far, a valuable one.

Hate this but it's getting better. I think I need to make a signature now (for below my posts)!

My wife & I lived overseas 2 & a half years without FB. People did for centuries, and people can & do. There's this thing called e-mail that works great for keeping in touch.

By what logic do you think this? You aren't the one who had a FB-kindled affair.

That's amazing!

How about you set up a Whatsapp account to stay in touch with F&F? It's an app for your smartphone and you can group message and send pics to people for free.

FB isn't all that intimate a medium to maintain relationships. People don't feel connected to you when you broadcast posts. If you send a message TO them, though, they do.

You say that she would contact your husband if you exposed the shells to her WH. Did he change his phone number, e-mail adress and so on? That would make it much more difficult for her to reach him and you could get a shared e-mail-adress.

I don't know...there are just too many social networking sites and my H's new job has work communications on all of them (whatsap and google+ to name two) he is not using these sites/apps right now for anything but work. If he were using them for social networking too, I'd go crazy trying to monitor them all. For social activities, I'm thinking facebook might be the lesser of many evils.

I know who his fb friends are are and what they are doing, I can log into his page anytime I want. Yes, the A started via fb but that was back when I would not have even imagined checking on him. Ha ha ha...hard to imagine that life now! I just don't want to have to start monitoring something new. OW doesn't have his new email, but anyone can get his work email address from the internet and once you have that, it's just a few clicks to google+, which is scarily private.

24 hours until my H is back here permanently. Thank goodness. We are never, ever doing this again. Bleh!

Pinkstraws, the solution is to eliminate ALL social networking sites. Since his affair started that way, they should all be eliminated. He won't be tempted and you won't have to monitor anything if they are ALL eliminated.

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Right, yes. But my H has to use social networking apps for work. He's working for this very 'progressive' company and they whatsapp each other and use google + all the time.

My thinking is that if I kill off fb and she tries to reach him and can't - she will just work out his new company email and use that to find him on one of these other social network sites he has to use for work. Frankly, it scares me. I have pretty good control of fb at the moment. I saw her last contact effort before my H did (months ago) and feel like I would again.

Anyway, he will be back here tomorrow and she will be a full 6000 miles away until June (insert slightly-crazed laughter here)!

Maybe I'll even be able to relax and have a cup of tea and put my feet up for five minutes without stalking around the house like a lunatic detective, springing into action whenever H pops into the shower or goes to the gym...looking for unwatched cell phones, random pieces of paper, cleared computer memory.

Will just be good to feel somewhat secure for a while. (no, don't remind me: the affair started from here, via email and fb, wechat and skype). I did once smash his computer into bits (early days) as it had "seen too much" and could not be allowed to exist. But the internet is a slightly bigger destruction target, I'm afraid.

You are missing the point. The fact that she CAN contact him on facebook is a huge gaping hole in your marriage that will lead to a resumption of the affair so I am really not following your logic. The fact that you can "see" such contact is completely irrelevant. If you watch an alcholic take a drink is he any less drunk? Of course not. Are you saying it is ok for her to contact him in the future? Becasue if you want to recover your marriage, then ALL avenues of contact have to be cut off. ALL AVENUES. You don't choose the lesser of 2 evils, you eliminate evil.

The goal is to eliminate ALL avenues of contact. If she can contact him via email, then that email account should be deleted.

I do see the logic and purpose of eliminating all forms of possible contact...but there is no way to eliminate his work communications through these sites. This is dictated by his company and we need him to be successful at this company to change our lifestyle, which is an affair breeding ground of a much greater magnitude- as we have already determined.

I think he is only being an "alcoholic" if he responds. Last time she contacted him I saw it first, he showed me second, and he never responded. That was fb. If she gains access to him via google plus or some other way I would probably not see it.

I cannot shut these things down en masse. I am willing to shut down fb...

Pink;
Have you considered using the Mariage Builder coaching program?

Please read.
Read my Lips No Contact Means No Contact

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Yes. In fact, I am planning to email them to see if they can offer a specialized program as sometimes the internet goes out here and skype can be in and out (the only way to call overseas without spending a fortune). I wonder if they would do partial phone, partial email?

Most of the program is through CD, email, and posting to the private forum. You can email or call your coach.

There is some accountability online, but it doesn't have to be at a specific moment. I doubt that a spotty internet connection would be an issue.

i just went back and checked your first thread and it looks like a lot of the advice that was given on that thread was ignored regarding affair-proofing the M, and the same points are being brought up again on this one. You should really stick to one thread so that this can be prevented into the future.

I have absolutely no idea why in the world you would allow your H to keep his FB page, same email address, phone number, etc. Just because there is social networking at his workplace is not a reason to shut down the FB and change the email and any other way the OW contacted him.

In addition, you should have keyloggers installed on your home computer/s and his cell phone. Please tell me you have done this??

Your H is still foggy, pinkstraws. This is probably part of the reason.

The workplace may have to be changed too, but that is no reason to skip Step 1. That is just taking foolish unnecessary risk.

Can you answer these questions? I couldn't tell by looking at the first thread either.

An alcoholic does respond when he takes a drink. And just because you SEE him a take a drink does not mean he is sober. Every time she contacts him, he is triggered, whether you see it or not. Which is why it is important to remove any opportunity for those triggers. Once again, you seeing him drink or him telling you he drank does not make him sober, it means he is triggered. You have to remove all those opportunities for triggers if you want to affair proof your marriage. If she can contact him through google - or even smoke signals - then those avenues have to eliminated. IF YOU WANT TO AFFAIR PROOF YOUR MARRIAGE.

Most of these sites have ways to block and filter who can contact you and preferences to save all conversations. On the more advanced email systems, you can even set up filters to forward messages with certain keywords or usernames. I was able to configure a filter that forwarded any email from OW to my own snooping email account while at the same time deleting it from FWH account. About two days after I set up that filter, I had an email from OW to my FWH in my inbox and my FWH never saw it.

You have to find ways to close the communication channels and it often takes some research into the programs he is using and how they work.

Do you have access and passwords to his google+ and other accounts?