Highlights

- couple for 8 years / 4 of those married - no kids yet
- met at work, so we have always been coworkers - diff areas of the same department and different buildings
- overall felt happy and never felt like anything like this would happen
- found out a few weeks ago he was having an affair with a new coworker who is also married
-- she started to talking to him a lot on the work chat during work
-- exchanged phone numbers
-- started meeting before work to make out in our car - french kissing, kissing necks, holding hands, and she touched his crotch over the pants in a motion - they would also text on personal cell and work chat sending very dirty sex messages, talked about getting married, and would say I love you and tell her she's beautiful - she invited him over but he didn't go and no sex - this all started and lasted within a two week timeframe
- I knew he didn't seem like himself and asked him repeatedly what was the matter over the two weeks...he finally told me
- at first he said he felt confused and didn't know what to do...then as I was walking out the door to go to my mom's he texted her saying "I talked to my wife. This has to end. Do not contact me again." after that he cut off all contact
- she has tried to contact him twice...once over the work chat saying hope you and your wife are doing okay and it was for the best and promising not to talk to him again(a week after) then once texting his personal cell during work hours (3 weeks after that) asking for 5 minutes of his time to talk and give her closure to what happened and then she would not talk to him again...he made no response to either...she also sent him two work related questions that she really could have asked someone else and he responded with the answer and copied me to see it
- he says now that he only wants to be with me and feels like it was only about the attention he was getting
- we talked with our bosses reporting what happened and saying it made us uncomfortable and we may need to look for another job...they responded saying they really want us to stay and would work to fire her if she would just do something else to come on to him or feel like he is being harassed using work resources

This has all been so difficult for me bc I feel like I already had a sort of low self esteem going into this relationship. Then his mother has never felt I was good enough (has made comments about me not being pretty and not going to a good enough college).

I feel very uncomfortable at work now being coworkers with her...feeling like I am comparing myself. I also really liked my job and worked hard to get where I am with it. I also really liked working with my husband. We are going to counseling, but I just feel so depressed all of the time now. I really do not want to work with her anymore...with that reminder and comparing myself. He keeps telling me that he feels like he wasn't actually attracted to her...just the extra attention...he says nothing he said to her was really how he felt. I really feel unresolved that she could still be thinking he felt that way or that he really did. I wish I could hear him tell her these things to set the record straight. I also wish that she would just do something else and get fired. I feel horrible for these thoughts. She has only worked there 6 months...it's like she took over all that was important to me...my husband, my job, what was left of my self confidence. I wish I knew what to do to feel comfortable again in my marriage and my job.

Hi Janie, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. As you have discovered, you will never recover as long as you have to be around the OW. I would find another job right away if your boss can't get rid of the OW.

The next thing to address is exposing the affair. I would call the OW's husband TODAY and tell him about the affair. Don't forewarn your husband, just do it. Print up and all evidence you have and take it to him. If you can't get him on the phone, then drive to their house tonight and tell him in person.

I would also tell your family and friends about the affair. The more people you tell, the more people to hold your husband accountable and give you support.

Start by telling your boss this will never work and you will have to leave if the OW does not leave immediately. Your emotional reaction to the OW will not get better, it will get WORSE.

Is it wrong to want to hear my husband tell her that everything he said was not real and he thinks she is a horrible person that he wasn't attracted to? Is that just my anger? I can't even decide what the best way of resolving that would be.

While that may feel good to hear your husband say, it's not the path you need to take to recovery. What your husband will need to eventually do is write a "no contact" letter in which he admits that the affair was cruel to you, and that he will no longer have any contact with her. But first, you need to expose.

Have you done the exposure that Melody described? Have you read her Exposure101 thread linked to in her signature?

I have read it, but I am still feeling conflicting feelings. Our counselor is recommending not to talk with them. I think he deserves to know, but the counselor says you never know how the husband will react...and this issue is between them. Her husband also works in our company so is close. This is all very confusing and hard to deal with. I'm embarrassed for everyone to know like I wasn't good enough.

Janie4, your counselor is WRONG. Wouldn't you want to be told the truth about your own life? How would you feel about people deciding to leave you in the dark because they did not know how you would respond and thought you may become dangerous?

When the OW made the choice to step into your marriage, then she made it YOUR business also.

Her husband will find out eventually whether it is from you or through the grapevine. It would be better coming from you...the other victim.

You need to tell the OW's BH. He has a right to know his life has been turned upside down.

How would you feel if you weren't told and you continued to live a lie?

Your counselor is wrong. Have you read what Dr. Harley says about exposure?

Please stop seeing this counselor. The advice you were given is just appalling.

Hi Janie,
The vets will give you all the advice you need. I just wanted to tell you I understand the embarrassment you feel. I felt the same way when I first learned of WH affair. Your husband just confessed all of this a few weeks ago? It will take time for you to see that you are better than that POSOW. Believe me, you are MUCH better than she is.

My WH started by telling me he was unhappy, he needs space, he doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore, he just wants to be single, etc. ALL typical WH statements. I lost all self-confidence. I was embarrassed to tell people that I failed to make my husband happy, that I pushed him away, and I wasn't enough for him. But you know where I screwed up? I didn't expose after I discovered the affair - I wanted to protect him, I didn't want him to get mad at me for embarrassing him, I didn't want people to know that I had married a "cheater". I didn't have the MB tools at the time. So WH continued his affair. I gave up on wanting to save our marriage and now we are on the road to divorce.

It sounds like your husband has admitted the details to you and has told her he wanted it to end. That is good! It's way more than I ever got out of my WH.

I ended up exposing after we separated and got nothing but positive support from everyone. Nobody will think you are not good enough (your MIL should be ashamed for saying that stuff about you). Anybody worth being in your life will tell you that you didn't do anything to deserve this. Follow the advice here and it WILL get better!

Thank you for all of the supportive responses. I've felt so alone.

Janie, if your marriage fails because the affair isn't properly ended, then they're gonna know anyway. Don't you realize that? This is no time to be fooling yourself with false alternatives.

By the way, I'm speaking to you as a man who had an affair (5 years ago), but whose marriage has been saved & healed. Your counselor is positively clueless. Take it from me that having the other person's spouse aware of the affair makes it a lot less appealing -- especially to an affairee who has been "saving his cake & eating it too." My affair ended -- I ended it -- the very morning when I found out that the other woman's husband had learned of it. See, affairs thrive on secrecy. The light of day is the most powerful weapon against them. Do you want to kill the affair & thereby give yourself a chance to save your marriage, or not? If not, why did you come here?

The other woman's husband's eyes & ears on his wife may be your best ally against a resumption of the affair. Yet, rather than enlisting him as an ally, you're considering (on the advice of this amoral counslor) actually perpetrating a coverup against that poor man. That is not only something that'll cost you sleep years down the road whether or not your marriage survives, but is actually self-defeating for you & your desire to save your marriage.

Moreover, when the other woman's husband finds out (not if -- because he will find out anyway, whether you tell him or not), he might not appreciate your role in perpetrating a coverup of the crime that's being committed against his marriage. He's never done you any wrong, so why would you even consider being part of the coverup against him? Would you rather have him PO'd at you & your husband both, or just at your husband? Would your husband's affair have been OK if you hadn't been able to find out about it?

My God, Janie... Please drop this counselor before he or she costs you your last chance at saving your marriage. And please, without warning your husband in advance, tell this other husband so that he can act to possibly protect his own marriage and maybe even help you to save yours in the process.

You enable the affair by keeping this secret and become an accessory to the crime. This is in direct contradiction to what Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, would advise. It is also very cruel to withhold this information from the other husband. What if his bookkeeper was stealing his money? Would you use this excuse to not warn him? Wouldn't you agree that would be immoral?

It does not help you, your husband, the OW or her husband to help the affairees keep their secret. It only helps the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret for the OW and your husband only enables the affair.

When Should an Affair Be Exposed?


If you want to save your marriage, you need to expose the affair and leave the job. If you won't do that, there isn't much we can do to help you because you will be enabling the affair. Sorry.

Bill Harley, PhD, clinical psychologist, founder of Marriage Builders and author of Surviving an Affair:

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." When Should an Affair Be Exposed?