high school sweethearts
married 12 years
one daughter 11

I had an affair with a coworker 9.5 years ago that lasted 8 months. H caught me after lying for months. H decided to stay and try to work it out for our child. I did everything he wanted, checking in, gave up my cell, outed myself.

Fast forward 4 years later and H took a job in a different city. He lived there with his sibling and I stayed home with our child. I caught husband talking to two women inappropriately via text and myspace. He was talking to one woman more than me.

I confronted him and he stopped talking to these women. I never brought it up again. he continued to work in this city for 4 more years.

fast forward 4 years again and he took a job here at home in January of this year. In May he told me he wasn't happy, wasn't over my affair and wanted to separate. I would not call it a separation really, just space and sometime apart.
He moved back into our home due to the place he was living was not working out.

I had a gut feeling about a female co worker at his office and I can't explain it. Same gut feeling I had with girls in breaux bridge. I started investigating. She would text him sunsets in the morning, let her know when she was home, I started seeing that he was paying for two lunches, yogurts, he was with her all the time. With other people though too. With his job it is long hours, dangerous and relies on other people for his safety. Through my investigation I found that he was still speaking to one of the girls he was talking to in the other city!!!! I found a sticky note one day in his work papers that read "SMILE! I LOVE YOU! P=B" from this female co worker! I FLIPPED...He said she didn't mean it that way, only friends, only friends, and he really thinks he has done nothing wrong with this girl or the others in the other city. He does admit that some of his actions were wrong.
Now through our discussions he admitted that he would meet one of the girls in the other city "in public" and talk and he ran a couple of the time with the other one. I DID NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM SEEING THESE GIRLS!!!!!!
We started doing some of the worksheets on this website. He CAN NOT let go of my affair. He is angry, resentful, he says hurtful, mean, painful things to me and he just can not let go and try to move past it. His job puts him in the same setting where my affair happened which is also a problem. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to work it out, but I just think we are both emotionally spent with trying to fix this along with financial problems and other things. He ran to another city and did not face our problem and try to fix it. We have both made mistakes in not fixing this situation, but I really do not know what to do at this point. Any suggestions, thoughts, help would be appreicated.

Welcome to MB.

Are any of these OW married?

Please read this.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

The girls in the other city were not married at the time. I think they both may have been previously at some point in time. The co worker is married and ironically to someone in his office. He has not spoken with any of these women since I confronted him about the sticky note and calls. He does however see the co worker and I do believe they are cordial, but there has been no text messaging or phone calls between them. The real issue is that he cannot get over my affair after 10 years. I also think that he has had emotional affairs, I will never know if it was more than that. He thinks he has done nothing wrong. The thing that bothers me is that sticky note and the P=B is nicknames. Pebbles and Bam Bam

Also I must add that he refuses counseling. He does not believe in it and does not think that anyone can tell him how to "fix" or get over the past.

Hi boo, the problem is that he has had multiple affairs and is still having one. If he took a polygraph he would flunk it if asked about affairs. He keeps bringing up your past affair as a way to keep you off balance.

So the first step is to get evidence of his affair via snooping. Hire a PI or put spyware on his phone and a GPS on his car. I would also ask him to take a polygraph test and give you all the names, dates, details of his other affairs. Ask him to give you all this information before the polygraph but that he must pass the polygraph.

P.s. counseling won't help when there is an affair. It will be a distraction. I would first focus on getting the truth out there and then exposing his affairs.

I just don't know who he is having the affair with!!! He erases his phone, I have searched house, vehicle, he doesn't get on our computer. It is very, very ironic that you are not the first person to tell me that. Dr. Hartley even told me that in so many words. I kind of feel like he picks fights with me out of nowhere because maybe the OW is giving him a hard time. My gut is not talking to me. He denies, denies, denies. I have been seriously contemplating calling one of the girls in the other city and ask her the details, but would she tell me the truth or lie to me. I just don't know who he is having affair with and if it is just emotional or physical or what.

Boo,

Was the OM/coworker fired or did your BH confront the OM?

Did you expose the OM? Especially did the OM have a wife or girl friend and were they told.

Does OM still live near by?

There is a sense in which a man never recovers from a wife or girl friends affair, without some sort of just compensation. Men behave as if recovered, but are often very good at hiding their emotions.

God Bless
Gamma

Cn you hire a PI? There are lots of ways you can you find out who the OW is. Put a GPS on his car, spyware on his phone and a VAR on his phone. Don't you have access to his phone bills?

Stop asking him and start snooping. A good PI could get all the goods in 2 days.

When a cheating spouse keeps bringing up a long gone affair it is being done for secondary gain. The gain in this case is to keep her off balance about HIS affairs. Her affair is being mentioned in an an attempt to gaslight her.

Okay bear with me.

My H spoke with OM on the phone. I was exposed at my office. I had to quit. OM still works in that field but at a different location. Problem is my husband is in the same field and has to deal with same situations, people and setting. He never confronted OM and did say he is scared too. I am not sure if OM wife knew, knows, or what.

Other girls in different city....when I saw myspace comments I contacted them....one of the women told me "you need to talk to your husband," and hung up and the other one was obviously warned before I could get her on the phone.

The co worker at work.....I texted her when I found the sticky note and told her to back off. She called me and I let her have it and hung up. She in turn ran and told her supervisor. H got mad at me for all of this and said I shouldn't have yelled at her and I caused problems at his office. This infuriates me because I am not at fault and SHE called me!!!! I cannot hire a PI because we are seriously financially strapped. He has a job that has him working late hours, etc. I think I am going to have to start doing drive bye's at his office in evening or something, but I have my daughter and I don't want her in the middle of this.

He admits that some of his behavior was uncalled for, but not all of it. He does not admit that it is emotional affairs and he has always been the one that girls talk to because he listens. he just told me the other night that he would have to be hit in the face with someone flirting with him because he isn't looking for that. Girls go to him with his problems. But if the shoe was on the other foot, especially because of the past it would be an issue. My head hurts with all of this and I just don't know what to do. Should I call the woman in the other city and see if she gives me answers?

I would quietly spy on him and get the goods. The biggest problem is that he has a lifestyle of cheating and this is unlikely to change easily. What does he do for a living?

FYI.. there is nothing on the phone bill. We use cells and he does have a phone at his office that I have no access too. So no telling.

And I forgot to mention that after the sticky note and telling him not to speak with this co worker, etc. I see on the phone bill that he was group messaging with her and other co workers that weekend, it was her birthday. So what would you think about that?

So he doesn't get the cell phone bill?

You can buy a VAR to put in his car at walmart. They are not that expensive. There are many suggestions for GPS units and cell phone spyware over on the operation investigate forum.

No he does not get the cell phone bill. He can look it up online. The problem is with the spyware is he does do a lot of traveling in a specific area in our parish. I am at a loss! He is very good at consealing, but I think he forgets that I am not stupid either. I have a lot of mixed emotions right now and I am really debating on whether I should call the girl in other city because she may be my only hope as to finding out if something really did happen. What should I do?

Did you read my posts??

Boo,

I am not sure if OM wife knew, knows, or what.

This is a major loose end from your affair, call her up today. On top of that it's the right thing to do.

Why were you fired and the OM not?

God Bless
Gamma

Yes. I am looking into the spyware. I am trying to spy but it is very difficult. Thanks for the advise. He is just making me feel like I am stupid for feeling the way that I do and I know that I am not! He thinks the sticky note was harmless, the sunrise texts, everything. Am I wrong or am I missing something?