I've been married for 10 years and found out 6months ago that my husband has never been faithful. I always acused him and he always denied and this always ended in a hectic fight. Anyway I caught him 6months ago and he admitted everythg far more than I had ever imagined. After a rollercoaster of 6months we are now decided to try and work through it. (Foolish?) Anyway my main problem is that I can't get these women outta my head. He has had many, but claims all relationships were purely sexual and feels no other bond with them and has immediatley cut of all contact with all of them. I have full acess to email, cellphone I even have GPS tracking but I still can't seem to trust him. He gives me a minute 4 minute account of his days. He seems very sincere when he says he is sorry and wants to work things out and I'm the only person he has ever loved. BUT my mind goes back and forth to all these thgs he has done. He trys to be suppportive and understanding. Almost everythg triggers bad memories and I feel that all these women share my bed with me! If I can get past this I no there will be a huge positive impact on my life. I've just completed the book Surviving an Affair but does any one else have any advice for me?

Welcome to MB and I'm so sorry for the devastation that was brought on to you.

Have all avenues that allowed his affairs been closed?

How did he conduct his affairs? How did he meet these women?

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Did you expose his affairs? Were any of these women married?

Do you have children?

Please read this.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Well, saying he is sorry will not save a marriage. Most waywards can cry great crocodile tears and express enormous remorse. It does not save a marriage.

What will save your marriage and eliminate your fears is completely affair proofing your marriage. That means having complete access to his life 100% of the time, even if that means working together. With a serial cheater, the solution is to create a completely integrated lifestyle. For example, you might consider getting jobs at the same place or going into business together.

His giving an account of his day is not going to protect you in any way. You would be safer if you were together all day.

Other extraordinary precautions would be to eliminate all opposite friendships, no overnight travel apart and all leisure time spent together.

How did he manage to have all these affairs? Does he travel? Go out at night?

And do you have the names and details of all his affairs? Are any of these women married and have their husbands been informed?

I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you her, Macht. You will find a lot of help and support here. MB has a plan of recovery from an affair that will completely change your marriage, as long as you are both willing to follow each step. Recovery from an affair is a very narrow path.

Do you and your husband have children together?

Have you both been tested for STDs?

Do you know who the OWs were? Is there any danger of you or him running into any of them? Where did he meet these skanks?

Have these affairs been exposed to everyone?

Have ALL of the conditions that led to the affair been eliminated?

Has your H answered ALL of your questions? If so, then you should never bring up his affair again. Doing so will make your present miserable.

Has your husband agreed to live with Extraordinary Precautions for the rest of his life?

Here's what will need to happen for your marriage to have a chance of recovery:


1.) EPs for LIFE to prevent another affair.
2.) An integrated, transparent marriage where you spend all your leisure time together. No nights apart.
3.) Engage with you in a program of recovery so your marriage will be passionate, romantic, and safe.

With both spouses fully engaged, recovery takes about 2 - 5 years. As your marriage improves, you will begin to feel better.

Have you read the thread at the top of this forum?

Yes we have 2 children 2gether. A 5year old and a 2year old. Those are my 2 major reason for even considering reconciliation. We've both been tested and are thankfully healthy. But for many reasons this can't be reavealed. Those skanks he can run into anytym anywhere but they are not people in our daily lives. I'm so terrified of my reaction if we do run into them in a shopping mall or restuarant.

Can you move?

Do you have 100% transparency? Do you know of his whereabouts 100% of the time?

How did he meet these women? And where would he have sex with them?

Sadly we cannot relocate. He used to take the OWs to a specific resturant and hotel. The 1 OW that was the most regular was abt 10yrs older and very well off. She always paid. I used to ask him questions all the time after discovery and he used to answer and it just got too taxing on both of us so I suggested writing down all my questions and he agreed to answer them but that was months ago and he hasn't. The reasoning he has is that my questioning is so severe it will be more harmful to me than helpful to read all these answers

You will need to know the names of the OWs, where they met, and where and when the affairs/ONS took place. You need to know the extent of each affair/ONS. Make a list of ALL your questions, get a babysitter, and cover the answers to every single one in one session. Then never bring it up again. This is what Dr. Harley would advise you and your husband.

Please don't rule out moving. If you could run into any of OWs at any time during a routine errand, you are always going to be horribly triggered. Your H will always be triggered, too.

Moving is often recommended after an affair, and, while difficult, is not impossible. Your home could be rented out until a good time to sell. Your H can find another job. But your marriage will suffer if you live near the OWs and can run into them at any time.

Why can't your H's multiple affairs be exposed? This is the first step in ending the affair and making the marriage safe.

You need the support of others, and he needs the accountability. Yes, it will be embarrassing for others to know, but shining the light of day on his disgraceful behavior is very important.

Your family needs to know, your good friends need to know, and your five-year-old should know the source of tension in her home. Dr. Harley recommends telling children as young as five.

Why?

We had to relocate, even with almost zero possibility of a chance encounter. In your case, it will be extremely difficult to recover without moving away from where you are. You will not find peace until you get rid of the triggers. It is going to come down to a choice between giving up on your marriage or building an affair-proof marriage in which it is impossible for these OW to get to him. How will you do that without relocating?

What is Dr Harleys email address

mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

In addition.
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

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If you are unwilling to expose, you might as well get used to be cheated on for another decade or file for D. Exposure is THE most powerful weapon to ending affairs. Without exposure, you are saving your WH's image at the cost of your marriage.

Hi will Dr Harley reply to my email even if it is not chosen for radio? I am not in the same continent so I don't know if I will be able to be able to pick up the radio show

They answer all questions on the show even if you don't choose to go on and talk with him. If you let us know when they answer your question(Joyce will email you and let you know when Dr. Harley answered it) somebody will probably post a link to it.

Also, if you click on the "Listen Now" tab they repeat the show for 24 hours until the next show airs.