"It's not what you say but how you say it."

Phrasing has a big impact on the direction a conversation goes. Examples of this are posted daily. A few examples that I have noticed:

Bringing up the past / Future change
Disrespectful judgments vs. Thoughtful Requests
Sanity Break vs. Independent Behavior
Criticizing vs. Complaining
Debating /Arguing vs. Boundaries/Intimacy

I searched but didn't see a thread specifically dedicated to this topic. I would love it if people could share their favorite phrasing makeovers!


P.S. If there is already a thread for this, I would appreciate a link to it.

Ideally I would have a cheat sheet to use during negotiations.

I don't think there is a specific thread that covers phrasing. Each couple might be different on how they say things. For me and my wife, we're good with saying "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't..."

Just phrase it the way you would want to hear it. And encourage your spouse to tell you if your phrasing is something that's working for them.

For example, I would like to be told whether my partner prefers this, or dislikes that. That's factual information which helps me take them into account.

So I would phrase it "I prefer it when you..." or "I dislike it when you...".

Obviously it has a hugely different flavour if you add judgement to the factual complaint: "It's right to do it (my) way" or "That way is stupid".

Also remember that every decision needs TWO perspectives, so your complaint should encourage your spouse to reveal their perspective too. It is not just about being on transmit you have to receive.

One of the best phrasings is : "How would you feel about.. me/you/us ...doing/not doing x/y/z..."

And then actually listen to their response about how they feel!

Thanks Kilted and Indie-

That's what I was talking about.

Things like:

How Would you feel if...?
I would like it if...
I would prefer that we...
Would you consider...
I feel uncomfortable when...

What about

Would you mind if?

Is that openended enough?

I'd say that's fine. If there's something I personally want to do that she might not be involved in (like play an indoor soccer game), I'll ask "is it cool if I/do you mind if I..".

What about:

Knock it off!!

Melody, I only yell at her to knock it off when she stays rambling on and on about her feelings or something else equally unimportant. Like the other day she was trying to tell me about her day that was really stressful. So I was like "wah wah wah. Poor poor me. I'm having such a bad day feel sorry for me." Then I smacked her on the rear end and told her to knock it off people have it bad everywhere. You should have her tears of joy and she was practically beaming bright red with happiness.

Like my husband tells me when I try to give him pointers on his driving: "you need to just sit there , shut up and look pretty!"

My wife does all the driving. I just sit there with that little wheel in my hand...

Good woman!!

Haha. I tried that one already and hubby claimed it was an SD or some other strange and very foreign sounding thing. J/K

LOL.

Thanks everyone for adding to the thread. I find it interesting that this is not more of an issue for folks.

One person who talks a lot about this is Mr. Alias. He said that Dr. Chalmers helped them with their phrasing.

I also heard Dr. Harley and Joyce talking about how to "put" things, so that they are respectful.

My pet peeve is when I ask a question about when something previously agreed to can happen, and I hear..."We'll have to see."

Instead of "We'll have to see..." I would like to hear something like: "That is important to me too. Can we discuss some ways to make that happen tonight after dinner?" or something like that.

My husband feels that I am irrational for having a negative emotional reaction to this. He calls it "regular adult conversation."

I am pretty sensitive now to how things are said, since the phrasing is like a road sign of what's to come, and I have found that road signs can trigger memories of hurtful ways of communicating from the past. I struggle with ideas on how to make the communication pleasant, and motivate my husband to meet my need for more empathetic and positive communication. Any ideas?

Well,Didntquit, what my wife and I have found is when there is no judgment or right and wrong in how we feel, it gets pretty easy to do drive by honesty and be pretty lax in how we word things. So if you don't like it when your husband says that, you should tell him. His response should be to apologize, acknowledge your feelings, and not repeat whatever it is that annoys you.

Thanks Kilted.

which is quite different than "I don't appreciate it when you ...."