Mrs.W you make more great points! Will try to address:

FB - I'm not afraid to ask him, I'm just not doing anything that doesn't make sense to me. It feels like I would be doing it to give myself a fasle sense of security. The reality is that this OW is like the terminator of OW and okay, we could lock the front door, but then what about the window? I could take him off fb, but he will still be on other social networking sites. Also, fb was where he found her, but once that was in place, it was email and whatsapp as primary communication tools. I am not going to lie to myself and use that lie to give myself a sense of security that is not actually there. And I like that I can log into his fb page anytime I want.

OW - Maybe in time I will differently but right now I feel that the only reason I was able to take him back is that I believe that she took advantage of him due to her training and his emotional weakness. This affair was different from most here because of the circumstance in MY life surrounding the timing of it and I do not think I can forgive him (or want to sign up to live like this) if this is just some weird new habit or addiction of his. This goes back to fb. My hesitation is what I would have to admit to block it is that it could happen again with someone else randomly. If the cause isn't what I think it to be then I don't want to do this right now. Maybe later.

Love banks - totally brilliant point. This makes a lot of sense and is something I will keep in my mind. H has no contact with the OW but it is even more of a reason to make sure there is none, ever. And there won't be. How do I know this? She has a career that is public. I have enough evidence of her complete and total misconduct that I could destroy her career and she knows it. If she contacts my H I would in a heartbeat. She may love my H, but not as much as she loves herself.

Off to have a lovely weekend away with H!

That won't stop her. It didn't stop her in the past and it won't stop her in the future. But that is ok, I predict you are going to have to learn this the hard way and I completely understand that! Some can only learn via the School of Hard Knocks and I can see you are that type. And that is ok! Just know we will be here when it happens.

That fb is a trigger is a compelling point. H is going to have to talk about how the A was carried out again. What I think I know is that is was just where he found her (and a few dozen other old friends) but the A started via email and then carried on through whatsapp and Skype. I think Skype is more of a trigger and he and I use it all the time. Also, can I just say that conversations on Skype are super easy to erase? Anyhoo - he needs to change his photo on Skype as I just connected that this is a trigger for me.

We've veered a bit from the shells issue! It is still on my mind because sometimes I just wonder if maybe my H is not a good person. There are good people and bad people and some of the things he has done are pretty bad. I can feel secure right now (and I am in that 'after the airline-crash logic I have) but what about the future? Do I want to spend my life with someone who can do these things? I sometimes wonder....

Honestly MelodyLane, I think my H is pretty insanely lucky I am willing to take him back and if he messes with my trust or the OW messes with my H (or my reprieve on her career) from this point onward then THEY will be the ones learning the hard way - not me.

I won't be back if this happens again because building a marriage with such a complete dog would be the last thing on my mind. He better hope he was brainwashed. I don't want to be him if I determine that he is just a garden-variety affair-addict.

But thanks for that!

A good program can have its theories stand up to questioning and that is what I am doing which must be okay, as I am sure Dr. Harley does not promote blind acceptance of anything...but at the same time I sincerely appreciate the support on this forum. The people here are so awesome and the insights are incredibly valuable...even when I don't agree.

Should he be on social networking sites if he is so easily brainwashed? She could get to him and do a Jedi mind trick. That would be my greatest concern.

Mine too!

The OW is not just persistent, she is really, really talented. I am not looking at the emails again for my own mental health but one thing I noticed before was this (small but massive thing): I know she has perfect grammar and punctuation but my H does not and makes errors that drive me over the deep end all the time. She could see I was a stickler for these thing, realized I probably corrected him all the time - God help him if he misuses an apostrophe around me, though I have been biting my tongue of late - and then SHE STARTED MAKING THE SAME ERRORS AS HE ALWAYS MAKES.

He should be banned from all computers, but we can't do it. We need to go home.

How will you diagnose this?

Those OW are very, very tricky!

I feel like I did, though the emails I found in May.

It's a large collection of small pieces of evidence that I am starting to question, to be honest because it is balanced with other pieces of evidence that say he is maybe just a bad guy - like these shells.

One of the bits of evidence of the brainwashing, though, is that he was a few miles away from her (and I was here) for a full 25 days in January and despite the OW pulling out all stops trying to see him, he refused to see her. It wasn't until he reached this next state of emotional weakness that he caved in. Or rather, ran to this escape she offered.

She brainwashed him for the months that he lived with her and also brainwashed him to ignore his kids? It's that he was brainwashed and not the same as any other addicted wayward? Okey dokey.....

Yep, that's usually how it goes! It is a slow and gradual process that takes place in small steps. And before you know it, they are hooked! What amazed me was learning that most people who have affairs are not the ones looking for them. The majority are good people who say "it could never happen to me." It usually starts with a small, innocent emotional connection that just grows over time. Just like you described. The very RARE ones are the ones who are out looking for it. I would put those in the small minority of about 5%.

pink straws, you think we don't get it but we do. It's easier to believe your spouse was brainwashed or manipulated by the EVIL OP. We see this story EVERY DAY on these forums. But that's just not the case.

EPs were not in place, lovebank deposits were made = romantic love achieved. And that feeling is so addictive it is like crack.

Just. like. any. other. affair.

Pink,

Why don't you start with asking him to be off fb and skype since you know those are two big ones and they are triggers. I was not one that was going to babysit my then WH 24/7 and I don't think it is healthy to stay married to a person that requires THAT level of watching. Your WH has not reached serial cheater status. You keep talking in circles. If nothing else, fb and skype will be two less things to monitor.

If you don't want to install a keylogger, well...that's your choice. You said you don't want to deceive your WH about your snooping...that is silly and most BSs who do this end up in a FR or have anxiety attacks...neither is a good option. There is nothing wrong with verifying that WH is adhering to what he says he will...especially in the early stages of recovery. After what he has put you through he shouldn't care if you check on him...as you said he is lucky he even has a second chance so he should suck it up.


Ok...really? The terminator of OW? Has she flown over there and is busting down your door? Keep things in perspective.

All OW are evil. I have confronted 2 of my own and one of my sisters. They were all manipulators and liars. But your H was not "brainwashed". He went wayward. It's that simple.

It's semantics really. But to me, if the A would not have happened without a death in the family throwing H into an emotional crisis which a grief counselor then took advantage of, then it IS a different thing from an affair that develops within someone's normal day-to-day life. I do not see that he would have caved without this extraordinary circumstance.

The other point of view on this is my own circumstances and the basis of my decision to take him back. It is based on my belief of the above.

Ha ha...I used to actually think she would do this! Luckily it isn't that easy. When I say terminator I mean in the sense of never giving up and being willing to bide her time. She is not doing anything now. I am truthfully not worried about her in the present moment. I am more worried - and needing to resolve - the question of what kind of person is my H and what am I actually signing up for by taking him back?

I am not insulting anyone here, but I am NOT taking back a wayward who would be wayward at the time in my life my H went wayward if he just did it because he wanted to. Full stop.

That is incredibly insulting to MANY people who post here. And demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of what Dr Harley teaches about infidelity.

Instead of blogging about your beliefs, I recommend you start learning what Dr Harley teaches. Read his articles, get his book and listen to the radio show. Affairs WILL happen when people don't have EPs in place, period. Which your H didn't and still doesn't.