Everything everybody is telling you is in your best interest. Everybody here has the interest of helping you recover your marriage. Nobody can say what you're H is feeling for sure but they do know how all waywarda act and what his actions point to. Everybody here who is a BS never thought their partner was capable of what they did and I will tell you that with 100% accuracy. But guess what, they all did it and they all deceived and lied about it, every single one of them. Is your H the one and only who never did, more than likely not. It is about protecting yourself and that is what everyone is trying to get you to do, protect yourself from allowing this to happen to you again.

Are you being naive? I believe so, we all want to see the good in our spouse and trust them but once they are in the addiction of infidelity they are not themselves. They are addicts and sadly addicts can never be trusted or believed. Thats a fact. It's your marriage and your life but I don't see your marriage recovering and being happy without instituting the necessary EPs in place. There are 2 reasons, your H will be too tempted to stray again to fill his high and your resentment will grow and overtake you to the point of not wanting the relationship or worse falling victim to the same addiction as your H.

People are giving you tough love because they know how your story ends, tney have seen it many times.

blndbabz, I am sorry you feel these answers are harsh. It is the truth that is harsh and all of these people possess something you do not: an objective perspective and the experience of recovering a marriage after an affair. We are trying to help you recover your marriage and see how very foggy your husband is. Many of his stories make no sense, such as his claim that he is over her while grasping onto her momentoes.

The reason your husband had the affair is becuase he did not take precautions to avoid it. The poor state of your marriage might have made it more tempting, but the cause are his poor boundaries around women. Even if you meet his needs to absolute perfection, he will have another affair if he does not change his poor habits and change the environment that led to the affair.


YEs it is. You know good and well you don't trust him. It is not good to pretend like you trust someone you know is untrustworthy. It was too much trust that led to the affair in the first place. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

I would strongly suggest that you contact the OW's husband and inform him of the affair so he can protect himself and his children from your husband. If he knows the truth, he can make sure she doesn't contact him anymore. Your husband is free to contact her at any time as long as her husband does not know the truth.

And the OW can't "harass" your husband anymore if he has cut off all contact. Telling the OW's husband the truth is the right thing to do for all of you.

You have gone through 3 d-days and it is highly doubtful this affair is over. I predict you are headed for more because you insist on keeping this affair secret from her husband.

You have absolutely no reason to believe the affair is over. And this was certainly a sexual affair. How many times has she come to your town that you don't know about?

Thank you. I'm just a bit emotional and sensitive today. I so want to believe that we can move on from this. I've always believed that a PA is much easier to overcome than a EA... and here I am dealing with a EA.

My main concerns:

1. When I want to talk about what happened, he answers in what appears to be an honest way. He has told me all of the details, even silly little ones that don't matter. Once the conversation is drawing to a close he asks, "When is this interrogation going to end?" I can hear a hint of irritation in his voice and I know he's tired of answering questions constantly.

2. He calls my "security checks" intrusive and calls it "surveillance." he wants it to stop. But I'm scared that if I stop, he'll start up again.

3. He said that everything is over and he wants to move forward and fix the parts of our marriage that were broken... leading to the A. What he fails to recognize is that the A is the biggest marriage failure of all!!! He doesn't want to recognize it as a problem, but as an unfortunate side affect to the REAL ISSUES.

4. I admit that we had problems that we need to fix, but I refuse to be the scapegoat for his A. I didn't do this to him, he did it to me. I've heard about other WS who BEG for forgivness and for the BS to let them stay. He has never once done that. It's been the other way around. ME begging him to stay.

5. I'm living in constant fear that if I do something or say something wrong, he's going to go back to her. he insists that he will not and has proven it over the past week, but I still have the fear. And he doesn't seem to be trying to calm that fear.

Honestly, I don't believe she has come to our area at all. I'm always around and he wouldn't have been able to see her. It was that one weekend when he said he needed to just "get away" that I found him in Florida. Her letters all said, "I can't wait until xx date when I will finally see you and get to kiss you."

That was the one weekend he went away. She also mentioned "I'm good for the dates in October" but those dates never happened because he dumped her.

bb, I am so sorry, but the affair has not ended. He has just gone further underground. This is why he feels your checks are intrusive. I would suggest that you do in a more secret way so he doesn't KNOW you are snooping. You will find the affair is not over. The reason the OW was harassing you is because they had a big fight, I suspect.

If the affair has really ended, there is no reason why it would be a problem to expose it to her husband and family members. But your husband is terrified you will do this because it will interfere wtih his affair.

You might believe you know your husband - and you do - but WE KNOW WAYWARDS. This man is not your husband, he is a wayward who is very high on the addiction to his OW.

Are you saying you are with him 24/7? And he is NEVER out of your sight?

That won't work, dear girl.

Lots of people have tried it only to have it blow up in their faces.

It is also morally wrong to help this woman decieve her H. He has been through the same nightmare as you and now you are witholding the truth from him as part of a blackmail scheme that will help no one.

This A will definitely restart. The BH is completely in the dark and you have agreed to help the waywards lie.

You're even allowing him to keep the memories. Vomit.

If you're not ready now, will you come back when the A restarts?

I'd rather save you that, though. Most people with two D days say the second one hurts worse. Usually we had told them it was coming.

I've never seen anyone on these forums more likely to experience a second D Day than you.

Good luck.

He is actively creating fear by sneering at your concerns and checks instead of being encouraging, transparent and making his life an open book. He is gaslighting you so he can resume the A.

You don't have recovery at all. You have a hiatus until the second D Day.

He is amazingly foggy and disrespectful of you. Keeping mementos!!!!

The affair is underground and secret. While her divorce goes on you are HELPING make sure she is not blamed in the D and she can come back for your H later.

If you expose OW, she will realise her future with him is futile. She won't be able to introduce him around as the new boyfriend she met AFTER her D.

She won't harrass you if he's no longer any good to her after exposure.

Why is she harrassing you if she's been kicked to the kerb and he left her without hope?

She's harrassing you because when he ended it verbally he didn't end it at all. He said: "I have to go back to my mean wife and keep her quiet".

Ask him to write an NC letter which you can mail and see what reaction you get.

THREE D days and you are still helping cover for her!!

Unbelievable.

Sorry if you find my comments harsh but it is the truth of what you are dealing with. And yes you are being naive.


^^^^This is your biggest problem. You are afraid to act and your WH knows it.


This says a lot...and none of it is good.

Well, I do know. I've been in an affair, sorry to say. You don't have to guess, you can take it from me & take it to the bank: Guys that are done with the affair get rid of the pictures & keepsakes as if they were jars of anthrax, ma'am. They don't hang on to them over their spouse's objections.

That's not harsh, it's just a fact; and it's good information for you. What you choose to do with this info, is up to you.

UPDATE!

The pictures and letters have been destroyed. WH has apologized for keeping them. We had therapy tonight. It went well. Therapist expressed some of the same concerns as voiced here.

WH wants us to move forward and has promised full disclosure. We will be changing our phone number. I plan to approach him about sending the letters to BH and OW's parents tomorrow.

FYI: WH works nights. I work days. We only see each other for significant amounts of time on the weekends. This weekend he will be taking the kids to his mother's house. He needs to confront his parents and explain everything that has happened, apologize for what he has done, and let them know that we will be working it out. MIL has promised to keep an eye on him to assure he doesn't leave the house while he is there. She fears that OW may show up at her door.

WH has sworn that any attempted contact by OW will be not be tolerated. He has agreed to change our home phone number. All cell phones have blocked the OW. GPS on WH's phone is active and I can ping him at any time to verify his location. I have been given all passwords on the computer and he has blocked her on facebook.

Feeling: Hopeful.

Why aren't you going with to his parents' house? He needs to talk to them without you there?

You are making serious strategic mistakes. This is not hopeful. First off, he should not go anywhere over night. He should not be anywhere NEAR his mothers house since that is where the OW lives. He needs to be home. YOU should be doing all the exposing. YOU should speak to his parents - ON THE PHONE. you should contact the betrayed husband and the OW's parents - ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT FOREWARNING YOUR HUSBAND. Your husband has absolutely no reason and no cause to contact the OWH and her parents.

The affair should always be exposed by the betrayed spouse so that a) it gets done and b) the truth is told. You can't depend on a liar to tell the truth. Especially when he is deeply and profoundly addicted to the OW.

Once you do this, I would strongly urge you to both get on the day shift if you have any hope of saving your marriage. Living entirely separate lives has led to this horrible place in your marriage.

Please stop winging this and let us help you through this process. You are making serious, strategic mistakes at a very critical time in your marriage. You can't afford these mistakes.

This is ridiculous. And I know you know it is ridiculous. A habitual liar who is under the spell of a POWERFUL addiction is not going to cut off his source.

Just curious--was it HIS idea to go to his mother's house and make a big deal out of "apologizing in person" ?????

I am not trying to be mean to you here, but as a former wayward, this is very disconcerting. Here is why :

You do not even have a full disclosure here. The OWH has not even been informed. Now your husband has a whole weekend to figure out a way to contact his OW to spin their story and cover their tracks.

It is nice that his mother promised to make sure he doesn't leave...but does his mother have internet ? phone ? neighbors who have internet ? neighbors who have phone ? A mailbox ? Do the neighbors have a mailbox ?

You do not understand the power of his addiction. And while he is swearing to you that he will not tolerate her, he is swearing to HER that he "has to lay low for a while until all this blows over ".

I know you WANT to believe him, but you have no reason to. He is a typical addicted wayward who will do anything to protect his own butt and to keep eating cake . Because.he.can.

Sorry. Really, I am . But this is your new reality. Be strong enough to face it.

I'm sorry for the confusion. His mother lives in New York. The OW lives in Florida. We live in Pennsylvania. OW should not be anywhere NEAR his mom's house unless she flies up there. MIL is keeping an eye on WH to assure he does not leave the house except to come home to me. MIL does not currently want me to visit because she does not want her home disrupted by fighting between WH and me. He is going to her to let her know that we are working through this and has asked me to allow him to confront her and his father alone because he fears that they may judge me or lash out at me. He wants to clear the air and get their permission to bring me for a visit once again.

When WH lied and flew to Florida to see OW, he told everyone he was going to be at his mother's house. I called MIL's house to talk to him and found out he wasn't there, leading me to ping the GPS on his phone. That's when I discovered he was in Florida with OW. MIL found out from me what was going on because she was confused by his lies.

I wanted to speak to WH about mailing the letters before I do it. Perhaps I should mail first, discuss later?

As for our work schedules: We are not wealthy. He works as a night stock boy and I have an office job. We cannot afford daycare and have a child with special needs who needs constant care. Our work schedules are out of necessity. It was his lack of sleep from working full time nights and being the primary care giver to our children that caused most of the problems in our marriage. I acknowledge that. Unfortunately, we do not have the financial means to alter that situation. DD#2, with special needs, is now 5 years old and attends a special school for 1/2 days, providing WH with more sleep opportunities. This has reduced his stress significantly which has opened him up to more communication.

I'm trying here. I really am. To own the truth, most of our problems began when DD#2 was born. I had PPD, she was a difficult baby, and then was diagnosed with Autism 3 years ago. Every day is a blessing and a challenge with her and I have to give WH credit for being her primary care while I work. He's a great father. He just got lost and I'm trying to help him find his way back.

OW is a child care professional who is also the mom of a child with Autism. The EA began because they shared stories and understanding about what was going on with the kids. Their contact was strictly phone/text/Facebook until recently, when he made the trip to Florida to see her. I do not want to expose his medical condition here, but I can assure you there was no sex involved when he went to see her.

We are in therapy for 3 hours a week and I have discussed all of this with the therapist. She believes that WH and I are on the right track for recovery. If I shake things up by hurting someone he cares for, the OW, I could ruin the progress we have already made. I don't want to do that because it took him 2 months to finally decide that he wanted to work on our marriage. He now appears to be completely committed to restoring what we once had. Ruining that progress just doesn't seem to make sense to me.

If I am understanding correctly, he's in detox mode right now. He has ended the EA, removed all evidence of her by destroying letters/photos, given me full access to check up on him (even tho he doesn't want to), and appears to be making a real effort. Yes, he's going to mourn the loss of OW for a bit... but he appears to be handling it well. Why is it wrong to be hopeful about that?

So if everything that appears to be a positive step in the right direction is really just another great big lie, then how do people ever recover? How do marriages survive? How do I separate the truth from lies? How can I know if he has stopped lying? Eventually, trust needs to be rebuilt. Prior to this A, he had always been trustworthy.

Truth is, I have already been divorced once because I had a cheating XH who showed no remorse. At least my WH is sorry, has apologized, and wants to work things out. How can that be BAD???

When you expose her to her husband (are they really getting a divorce? How do you know) and her family, she will be so busy doing damage control that the last thing on her mind will be harassment of you and your family.

And who cares if she's harassing you if what you get is a chance at recovery?

I know it seems like her stalkerish crazy is a turn off and he says he's so mad at her and blah, blah, blah but secretly he might be very turned on at how much she loves him. Look at how far she'll go to prove it!

In other words, reality is very warped right now and you can't count on anything he says to be real. You've got to captain the ship right now and pull him out of his fog. Living in fear that he'll leave you if you get too tough is not right!

He should be begging on his hands and knees for another chance with you. If he's not doing that, he's in the fog.