Your husband is like most people who have affairs. They aren't out looking for them. They innocently made the mistake of allowing someone outside of their marriage to meet their needs. Then, before they knew it they had developed very strong feelings and had fallen in love. They tried to back out of it, but felt the strong pull of an attraction.

I am sure your husband is a good guy just like most men who have affairs. The RARE ones are the ones who are out looking for it. They are the exception, not the rule.

I know what you meant.

Pink, OW is just another pathetic skank...granted some are more pathetic than others but I don't see the OW in your case as being anything out of the ordinary.

And nothing to the first/main part of my post? Alrighty...it is obvious that you want to "what if" 800 scenarios to death about the internet and EPs. That is a waste of time and energy.

Good luck to you, Pink.

Pink,

If the only way you're willing to work in recovery is if you can continue to believe that your poor husband was victimized by an evil, predator OW you're in trouble. He fully participated in this. He let himself be seduced, he went willingly to her and professed his love. He did all of this.

You're going to realize it at some point and you're going to have to face the horror. You're going to get very, very angry and maybe you'll decide you can't continue but putting that time off isn't helping you, your WH or the marriage.

Until you can ascribe a fair amount of responsibility to HIM (at least 50%!!) then how can you recover? Framing this as a victimization story is dangerous and foolhardy.

If you really can't stay married under any other circumstance, you ought to buck up and start making plans to separate. For real. Because this is going to get more painful than you can imagine very quickly as your anger start to come out.

And it will.

He'll do it. It isn't a question of that. I can install a data/key logger, but he will know. If he knows, I won't find anything. I don't find anything now.

Though my H often has to be reminded several times, he literally has done everything I asked him to and more and never refused to do anything. Example: his mom made a comment the other day (really a topic for a new post, truthfully) that really upset me, but he was saying, I'm trying to be more open and honest with you but you get upset about everything I confide in you...and I was saying, well, yes, but I cannot stop myself from being upset by hurtful information. Anyway, the end result was that I said it would not have been so bad for me if he had said xyz to her and in the future he should. When I woke up this AM he was on the phone to her saying xyz. I had not asked him to backtrack and fix this one instance, just to do better in the future.

Anyway, I just feel really gross when I snoop around without telling him. I know it's okay according to this program, I know he doesn't make an issue out of it. It's me who doesn't like it for myself.

I am thinking about fb. I totally agree about skype. I think way more A progress went on via skype and I see that it is a trigger for both. He lost his A email when he changed jobs. He took the email history with him, though, as it was a work email and when it uploaded to his new computer, all the old A emails uploaded again, which is how I found out about the shells.

I hate technology about now!

Skype is just dang convenient. I am investigating alternatives as it is how we (H and I) stay in contact throughout the day. There are extreme connection issues here and some things work, and others do not. I looked into google + but frankly it scared me. I thought it looked like an even easier way for a person to have secret connections with others. Also, I didn't really understand it. Anyone here have any suggestions? Someone suggested whatsapp but H and OW used that plus I cannot be on my phone at work. It has to be computer-based. Lots of things are blocked at my company (yahoo, for example). Maybe if I understood google plus better. It's definitely new for my H so not a trigger.

I think my anger has already flamed out of control and for longer than I had ever been angry before, so possibly it is over? I don't know. Maybe it will come back but I was so flaming mad at my H around the May time-frame that I was glad I could not get my hands physically on anyone involved, to be honest.

There was one day where I destroyed every computer and phone my H owned because 'they had seen too much' or something equally crazy...for some reason the TV remotes also had to go. Don't remember my logic with that one!

I was too angry at him to think I would ever take him back (though I had told him before the anger set in that I would) I couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to.

The anger only started to form into this (possibly wrong, I will admit it) deeper understanding of what took place when my son gave me my H's USB. I may have posted about this before? Anyway, my H had come by the see the kids and my son needed some document so my H handed him a USB. My son (almost 18) saw that there were financial records on the USB so (with my H in the next room, my son is a rock star) handed the USB to me and quietly told me to drag its contents onto my computer.

Later I saw that I now possessed a folder with every email my H and the OW ever sent each other. This made me even more angry/hurt for a while but then I had to admit that I could see what happened and felt that my H wouldn't have done this under normal circumstances and - in fact - resisted until extraordinary circumstances took place. This made me feel like I could, in fact, take him back.

We all have reasons for taking our WS's back and it has to make sense to us. Possibly everyone's reasons are a bit irrational or have holes in them when fully explored. I know some take WS's back for financial reasons, or for the kids. I don't love these as reasons myself, but my kids are grown and I can support myself, so I know for others it's more compelling. My compelling reason is that my husband is not, in fact, evil.

But SOMEONE in this mess is. That is a fact. Evil things were done. I'm someone's victim and if it isn't the OW, then it is my H...this question only I can answer but I am a bit uncertain at the moment.

You know, I am tempted to go into more detail about the terrible things that were done to me and my children, but this is still a public internet forum, so I am not comfortable with that. It isn't a secret, though. For those who are trying to be helpful I would explain via a personal message.

Suffice to say I am pretty sure about 85%+ of the people on this forum would NOT take their WS back under the circumstances I've experienced, so people should really not be offended.

This program can either stand up to scrutiny and be something people can actually understand, or it isn't. Dr. Harley surely does not want people to follow blindly. This forum is clearly intended to be a place where people can get help with trying to understand and implement the program. It says that in the description.

I am having trouble implementing an aspect of the program for a variety of reasons unique to myself, the way I need to cope with problems and - yes - the unique circumstances of my situation, of which there are many.

Those people who have been here trying to help me unravel this are the ONLY reason I am still with MB at the moment, as I was starting to think the program and myself had hit an impasse.

The program is not piecemeal, you can't just do some parts of it and not others. It only works if you do it right:

And if you have no interest in recovering, go totally dark -- but you're too busy with Plan C, aren't you?


EPs, no contact, or, guess what--

YOUR MARRIAGE WILL NEVER RECOVER FULLY.

Recovery takes time. At least two years with a lot of attention and focus. The resentment will come back. The anger will come back. You're just starting to feel safe with him. You're in survival mode but when things calm down you're going to feel the rage again and again.

I am a FWW. There's a whole line of thinking that happens with an affair and it often (in my case it did!) continues after the affair is over. It's all 'woe is me" and 'i wouldn't have done this if my partner had been more present/loving/available/WHATEVER' and 'that scumbag affair partner caught me when i was weak and vulnerable!'

it's bull pucky and it's dangerous and it puts off recovery. please don't be the one in your marriage to help perpetuate this nonsense!!

Please read.
BSs....Plan C is not a Plan

Also this.
Cutting Corners and the MB Program

The thing is Pink, is that he's proven to have low boundaries around women. No married person should be socialising on FB. It was designed for single people to meet and mingle!!!

I can't understand how he is going to develop the behaviours needed for a married man while on FB?

Added to which, it is TRIGGER CITY for him.

I'd never be able to come on MB without wondering what Melody Lane or Pepperband was up to. Even if they stopped posting, the site would remind me of them. See where I am going?



Why can't you brainstorm a simple solution?

Why can't he talk to his boss and come up with other ideas as to his role?

Such as a corporate social media page that does not have his identity, it has the firm's identity. Then make sure you have access to it. Off the top of my head, Twitter but with Direct Messaging disabled. You'd be able to see that Twitter feed and OW would not know it was his and would not contact him.



I beg to differ. She doesnt know her [censored] from her elbow.

A MC as the OW? Not a clever girl, assuredly. She handed out cheap tricks and your H lapped it up. Your kids didn't fall for her nonsense and neither would anyone of sense.

In fact my diagnosis is that she was such an obvious flirt that your H felt he could enjoy it but 'handle it' with willpower. Of course no one can.

Now you think he can 'handle' facebook with willpower and he probably does too. The same mistake all over again.

I think so too. Pink has her own belief system as to why affairs happen and obviously she will need to test her theories first for her own piece of mind.

It's her risk and she is free to take it.

From another thread here, this couple has a special needs child:
"OW is a child care professional who is also the mom of a child with Autism. The EA began because they shared stories and understanding about what was going on with the kids. Their contact was strictly phone/text/Facebook until recently, when he made the trip to Florida to see her."

My ex also had his first affair shortly after his BF from childhood committed suicide. He was in a depression for months and had withdrawn from me. OW was a coworker who had been through her own counseling and was giving him advice.

Do you see the pattern here? WHATEVER the reason, WS allows OP to make LB$ deposits by talking about personal matters, romantic love develops = A.

The reason doesn't matter ----> the treatment is the same.

We don't need to hear these horrible details of what your WH did during his affair. We all know because we have all lived it.



Yes, it can stand up to scrutiny but that's not what this discussion is. You are hell bent on believing your WH was brainwashed and not like any other wayward. And I am very sorry to tell you that nobody is going to go along with that here, because we have seen the same exact story over and over and over again here in addition to experiencing it for ourselves.

My advice? You need to STOP TALKING and start listening. Dr Harley discusses his concepts and experiences in further depth (and he discussed infidelity A LOT) on his radio show. It is very clear to me from reading your postings here and on another thread that there is a complete lack of understanding of what he teaches.



Then my last piece of advice would be to write to Dr Harley on the radio show and see what he tells you. Tell him that your H doesn't need to implement EPs because he was brainwashed vs a normal affair and see what he says. Really, I urge you to do this.

Good luck!