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You said you can't move because you can't rent your home out for enough to cover the mortgage.

Can you rent it for enough to cover rent some place else?

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We can't afford rent somewhere else and our home. If we move, he takes a paycut if he can even find a job. Our house will not sell. The market has come down way too far here. We owe more than what we can sell it for.

I want to move. i don't care where we move. It is killing me knowing she is 5 miles away. But we can't get the H out of here. Even if we could sell our house, He has to find another job to pay all our monthly bills. Most hospital and even clinics are under a hiring freeze for his position. We have job security right now. Even if we move in state, as I said, we have to be within an hour drive from his work.

He's been really good. There has been no contact. But the possibility of us running into her is great. It is very hard. Sometimes life doesn't go your way. Yes this site has many great ideas to follow, but sometimes it isn't realistic.

I know it's going to be a trigger for me. It's killing me inside. But I just have to live with it because I have no choice.

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I am still learning. I am a slow reader. My family and our friends pretty much know what happened. His family does not. Many of our friends at church were told lies by the OW and believed her and never heard the truth. It has been 4 months now with NC. Is it really wise to bring it back up and tell his family? We are definitely in recovery. We have spent so much time with him and I have a tiny seed of trust planted, but there are always doubts. Plus everything that you've read above about living only 5 miles from OW. I want absolutely NC between them. I actually believe that my husband will not go looking for it, but I am terrified that she will. i found out she would cal him on the phone crying and ask if she could come over. That's how she was at our house so much with him. He was trying to be the good friend and didn't think anything of it. She was the initiator. I've had several people tell me she was an initiator, she flirted nonstop with him. I am hoping that over the next few months people will start to open up and tell me more of what they observed. Will that make us backstep in our progress? Maybe. Or maybe it will help to confirm that my husband is telling me the truth.

With no concrete evidence to support what he says it is so hard to believe him. So anything that can be told to me to help me believe his words will help us to rebuild our marriage.

So my question is should I still inform his family? Or should I leave it alone since it's been so long?

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So you are saying you cannot rent your home for enough to cover the rent at another home?

As long as you can rent your home for the same or more than rent on another place it is a financial wash.

Since you can afford the mortgage now, you should be able to keep paying it if the rent you get for your home is more than the rent on the new place to live.

Originally Posted By: AcrosstheUnivers
We can't afford rent somewhere else and our home. If we move, he takes a paycut if he can even find a job. Our house will not sell. The market has come down way too far here. We owe more than what we can sell it for.

I want to move. i don't care where we move. It is killing me knowing she is 5 miles away. But we can't get the H out of here. Even if we could sell our house, He has to find another job to pay all our monthly bills. Most hospital and even clinics are under a hiring freeze for his position. We have job security right now. Even if we move in state, as I said, we have to be within an hour drive from his work.

He's been really good. There has been no contact. But the possibility of us running into her is great. It is very hard. Sometimes life doesn't go your way. Yes this site has many great ideas to follow, but sometimes it isn't realistic.

I know it's going to be a trigger for me. It's killing me inside. But I just have to live with it because I have no choice.

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Originally Posted By: AcrosstheUnivers
Yes this site has many great ideas to follow, but sometimes it isn't realistic.


We've never seen a marriage recover without Herculean effort. Not one.

It would be nice to put out a blazing fire without gallons of water - but a hugely damaging blaze requires a huge rescue operation. That's just a fact.

You can't leave part of the house on fire and say - 'I have no choice 'cause we are out water'.

If that level of effort is not realistic for the two of you, sad to say, you won't recover.

You are telling us recovery is not a realistic option for you.

1) You will remain triggered until you move church and home. Recovery won't start until AFTER that. Even a dire financial situation can be recovered from, but another Dday? Not really.
2) No Polygraph. WH doesn't have anything he can sell to fund it?

3) Exposure. This is such a basic step I can't believe it is not done. Exposure is ALWAYS needed, even when the A has been dead 20 years.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: AcrosstheUnivers

I want to move. i don't care where we move. It is killing me knowing she is 5 miles away. But we can't get the H out of here. Even if we could sell our house, He has to find another job to pay all our monthly bills. Most hospital and even clinics are under a hiring freeze for his position. We have job security right now. Even if we move in state, as I said, we have to be within an hour drive from his work.


Acrosstheuniverse, has your husband looked for jobs out of state? That would be your best strategy. You might not be able to move right away, but companies will be hiring again in January and that would give you time to explore options about your home.

You probably are not going to make it unless you move away. frown

...........this radio clip is the typical outcome when a couple does not move away from the OP. [when they live close by] This WH, Bob, and his OW lived a mile apart and the affair has been on and off for 3 1/2 years. The BW is now divorcing him and their little boy is severely depressed. This is what happens when one ignores Dr Harley's recommendations for NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. We have seen this happen over and over again on the SAA board over the years.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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he has been looking for a job for months. As I said there are hiring freezes going on. No we cannot rent because we had a terrible experience renting our last house and have no one to keep an eye out at our house if we move thousands of miles away. One of us would have to come back periodically and how would that help the marriage? We will try again to sell our house next year. Right NOW it isn't selling. I still want to move and he is 100% for moving as well. Unfortunately it isn't in the cards for us right now.

So you're saying it's never too late to expose him to his family. I thought part of recovery was never bringing up the A to the WS. Informing his family 4 months after NC would be bringing up the A again. So I'm confused on that one.I didn't run across this site until at least a month after NC was established.

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Originally Posted By: AcrosstheUnivers
he has been looking for a job for months. As I said there are hiring freezes going on. No we cannot rent because we had a terrible experience renting our last house and have no one to keep an eye out at our house if we move thousands of miles away. One of us would have to come back periodically and how would that help the marriage? We will try again to sell our house next year. Right NOW it isn't selling. I still want to move and he is 100% for moving as well. Unfortunately it isn't in the cards for us right now.

So you're saying it's never too late to expose him to his family. I thought part of recovery was never bringing up the A to the WS. Informing his family 4 months after NC would be bringing up the A again. So I'm confused on that one.I didn't run across this site until at least a month after NC was established.


Never bring up the A after you expose and have the full details from your WS. The method you mentioned above is the "sweep it under the rug" method and according to MB principles. Have you read Surviving the affair?

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Originally Posted By: AcrosstheUnivers
he has been looking for a job for months. As I said there are hiring freezes going on. No we cannot rent because we had a terrible experience renting our last house and have no one to keep an eye out at our house if we move thousands of miles away. One of us would have to come back periodically and how would that help the marriage? We will try again to sell our house next year. Right NOW it isn't selling. I still want to move and he is 100% for moving as well. Unfortunately it isn't in the cards for us right now.


ATU, I don't think you really understand what you are up against. You talk about the terrible experience of renting out your house. Which was more terrible, the affair or the renting experience? The renting experience did not destroy your lives. An affair can destroy your lives.

Do you see where I am headed with this? We see where you are headed and are trying to get you off the train tracks. I think since you don't really see the train headed towards you, that you believe that you can get away with making minor changes in lives. But you can't. And you may not be able to overcome your mistakes.

Did you listen to the radio clips? Those people did not move either and their marriage is now destroyed. They are getting divorced.

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So you're saying it's never too late to expose him to his family. I thought part of recovery was never bringing up the A to the WS. Informing his family 4 months after NC would be bringing up the A again. So I'm confused on that one.I didn't run across this site until at least a month after NC was established.


Don't bring up the affair to your husband. But DO expose to his family. You need their support. They can also help hold your husband accountable.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You do need to expose to his family. They need to be aware of what he has done. They will be able to keep tabs on him and help you keep him accountable. This is step 1. You can't be in recovery until you go through the steps. You need to get this done as soon as possible.

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Originally Posted By: AcrosstheUnivers
No we cannot rent because we had a terrible experience renting our last house and have no one to keep an eye out at our house if we move thousands of miles away. One of us would have to come back periodically and how would that help the marriage? We will try again to sell our house next year. Right NOW it isn't selling.


A couple of things come to mind. The first of which is to try a rental company. They will oversee your property for you for a small percentage of the rent. And if you did have to come back, you could come back together.

Secondly, is your house on the market? Houses are selling now and prices are rising. Do you have your house nicely staged? Is it cleaned up and decluttered?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Second what Mel said about a rental management company. A good one is worth the 10% or so they charge. Even if you were enthusiastic about being a remote landlord, you have other problems that need your time and energy.


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Agree with Neera. And another positive thing is that since the mortgage industry has tightened up on their qualifications, less people are qualifying for mortgages. That increases the demand for rental properties, so you can be really choosy when selecting tenants. If you hire a rental company, they can screen your tenants with credit/background checks.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No I haven't read that book. I am working on his needs her needs right now and bought marriage busters. I've read a lot on this website though and have read many of the articles, which is where I got the info on not bringing up the A.

I thank you all for helping me. I wish it were as easy as just picking up and moving, but when you have tons of bills and he's the only one with a job, you can't just leave the job when there isn't one to go to. Trust me, we;ve looked. We've even looked in places we never expected to move. But nothing is available for him. He is in a specialized field. We are still trying. We haven't given up. We will try to sell again after the holidays. He is still actively looking for a new job. He is uncomfortable here a well and knows how sad and depressed I am being so close to her.

What is killing me lately is not knowing if it was physical or not. It looks every bit as if it could have been so easily. But looks can sometimes be deceiving. Honestly even if I had the money for a polygraph I wouldn't believe it. He is the type who can learn to fake out the machine.

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Originally Posted By: mijunleigh
You do need to expose to his family. They need to be aware of what he has done. They will be able to keep tabs on him and help you keep him accountable. This is step 1. You can't be in recovery until you go through the steps. You need to get this done as soon as possible.


This is the reason you expose even if the A is dead. Even if it's months later. It makes all the difference. You really should make that polygraph a priority too. He really won't be able to cheat the machine. We use them extensively in my line of work, sometimes for fun...to see if they can be beaten. I haven't seen anyone do it consistantly, and never on thier first try.

I feel your pain on the moving issue. The fact remains that a failed marriage will impact the rest of your life far more than loosing some money on renting out your house.


Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
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Yes we had the house on the market. We had a lot of lookers with the same answer. It's priced 30k too high. Unfortunately we have to get that to pay the bank back. The market is not as good as the news tries to tell everyone. Especially where we live. We are in a nice house down the street from a trailer park and up the road from section 8 housing. It brings the value of our house down. According to the property analysis our house is worth 30k less than what we bought it for only 5 years ago when the market was still really bad. As for renting, people are renting in this area for about 1500 less than what our mortgage is. We couldn't possibly find somewhere at that price to rent for a family of 5. We've already had to do a deed in lieu on our last house, which in 5 years the bank hasn't even been able to sell. It's a beautiful home on an acre, nothing wrong with it. Just too far from a major city and they are building new homes around it for cheaper. We are having that same issue here. They are building new homes for a litttle more than what our house is going for. We have everything against us to try to sell. Like I said, we will put it back on the market after the holidays. Yes it was clean and staged and repainted and cosmetically updated and we boxed up a ton of our personal items. It didn't make a difference.

I have started reading Surviving an Affair. Is it ok to have H read it as well?

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Originally Posted By: AcrosstheUnivers
No I haven't read that book. I am working on his needs her needs right now and bought marriage busters. I've read a lot on this website though and have read many of the articles, which is where I got the info on not bringing up the A.


The correct book for affairs would be Survivng an Affair. The articles can complement the book, but can't come close to giving you the basic understanding of the dynamics of an affair. His Needs, Her Needs is written to people who have not experienced an affair. The Marriage Builders program is completely different from any other program so you won't find it in any other marriage resource.

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I thank you all for helping me. I wish it were as easy as just picking up and moving, but when you have tons of bills and he's the only one with a job, you can't just leave the job when there isn't one to go to. Trust me, we;ve looked. We've even looked in places we never expected to move. But nothing is available for him. He is in a specialized field. We are still trying. We haven't given up. We will try to sell again after the holidays. He is still actively looking for a new job. He is uncomfortable here a well and knows how sad and depressed I am being so close to her.


We understand you can't just give pick up and leave and know it takes time sometimes. But it shouldn't take more than a few months. How aggressive is he in his search? Is he using headhunters?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: AcrosstheUnivers



I have started reading Surviving an Affair. Is it ok to have H read it as well?


That would be a good idea!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: AcrosstheUnivers
Yes we had the house on the market. We had a lot of lookers with the same answer. It's priced 30k too high. Unfortunately we have to get that to pay the bank back. The market is not as good as the news tries to tell everyone. Especially where we live. We are in a nice house down the street from a trailer park and up the road from section 8 housing. It brings the value of our house down. According to the property analysis our house is worth 30k less than what we bought it for only 5 years ago when the market was still really bad. As for renting, people are renting in this area for about 1500 less than what our mortgage is. We couldn't possibly find somewhere at that price to rent for a family of 5. We've already had to do a deed in lieu on our last house, which in 5 years the bank hasn't even been able to sell. It's a beautiful home on an acre, nothing wrong with it. Just too far from a major city and they are building new homes around it for cheaper. We are having that same issue here. They are building new homes for a litttle more than what our house is going for. We have everything against us to try to sell. Like I said, we will put it back on the market after the holidays. Yes it was clean and staged and repainted and cosmetically updated and we boxed up a ton of our personal items. It didn't make a difference.



Universe, sounds like a money trap.

If I were in your current housing situation Id look at what walking away from the home would do for me. If youre upside down in your current mortgage youll probably be that way for some time and the housing values may never return to what they were.

I know of at least 3 couples that did this and they came out the other side better off.


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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Please read. There are questions that posters have asked.
Polygraph Testing

Did you ever have your WH take a poly?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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