Because I'm a good guy. His computer is not hooked up as he recently moved. I have been helping him with the full knowledge and support of my wife. I submitted 4-5 resumes in 45 minutes then went directly upstairs to W who was in bed watching TV. We still could've done something but a I get when I ask what she wants to do is "I don't know...I don't care"....I'm just tired, or depressed, or whatever it is at that moment...

Maybe it really is time to fess up and just dissolve this thing...I tried, maybe not my best, but whatever I got, but it didn't work. Recovery is not guaranteed even with an honest effort.

Stop spending time sacrificing running the household.

When are you guys going to talk to Dr. Harley?

HFD, if you take years to get going on this stuff, your wife will lose interest. Happens every time.

Boy, I'm confused - I thought exposure of an affair was a good thing.

You're supposed to follow the recovery program to get your needs met - not beg for it.

What happened to all that stuff we told you guys to do earlier this year? Wasn't that something like five months ago? When are you guys going to contact Dr. Harley and get help actually following the program?

If you're not following the program, her needs won't be met - begging her to meet your needs anyway despite NOT setting up an environment where she will feel like doing that is simply begging her to go through a massive love bank withdrawal.

And you call the police every time she does this, right? Or do you just ignore the advice this forum gives for that situation?

Yes, it is. Go watch TV with your wife. It's clearly where she wants you. Maybe if you're there she'll turn the TV off and meet your needs.

One night is not a big deal. Either your WW is exaggerating your PC time. Or you are understating your PC time and your on it every night and your UA time suffers.

For the last time -- HFM sanctioned, approved, encouraged, POJA'd, gave permission...whatever verb you want, that AFTER I finished helping with HER grad work, I could work on my brother's apps.

Then, apparently, at some point she changed her mind while watching tv upstairs and then had an AO when I got up there about being 'too busy on the computer".

We have all the LB program materials -- markos, I feel we only "do" MB instruction or contact Dr. Harley when it's convenient for HFM, which only occurs between semester breaks most times. She hasn't finsihed LB book we got over the summer becasue she put it down once the Fall semester started. Past practice dictates she'll look at again after December 8th or whenever the semester ends...and we better hurry up and finish before January 18 when the spring semester begins.

She does not utilize, read, or otherwise look at this website or the forum AT ALL -- after her last go around here, she stated she wouldn't be back because posters were "too harsh" to her...Once in awhile she'll suggest a question for the forum or Dr. harley (like the pressing one we have about her work right now), but the expectation is that I'LL be the one posting it.

I feel she exaggerates ANY time that I'm away from her -- frustratingly most of the time AFTER we'd POJA it!!!

And, markos, while not alway perfect,I still listenn to the show and read and reread the article on "negotiating with an emotional person". I worj Dr. Harley's strategies for not approaching an AO...but I feel SHE has not done anything to change the behavior from going 0-60 when there is a difference of opinion between us...

I can't juggle with one hand...

Did you ever contact Dr. Harley?

BH,

If I remember correctly we did...my recollection isnt great right now, but I think I did and got some solid pointers, especially for eliminating AOs.

Need to contact him again regarding W's work--

We need to know about Dr. Harleys stance on the workplace:

1. can a FWS EVER return to the place where an affair took place, the "scene of the crime", even if the AP is no longer there?

2. Guidelines for a job in the POSs county...geographic county of residence, bit not in any proximity to OPs (assumed still) residence?

I don't think it's encouraged to return to the scene of the crime...

And it's best not to have a job anywhere near them, for NC's sake. Just my thought.

Dad, have you considered ending your marriage? I just don't think these questions should be a concern at this point in your lives, if there is true recovery in place. I am concerned that there is more to your story than we are hearing. Please contact Dr. Harley right away.

Marital,

I apologize for not wrapping more context around the questions, as I am just generally curious about Dr. Harley's answer to both.

There are job prospects that opened up for HFM at two local hospitals...better pay, better hours for the family, less hostile work environment.

One job is at HFMs old hospital, where the affair began. It is a huge trigger obviously and while they are offering to bring her back, HFM has no desire herself to return to the scene of the crime.

I think I've read Dr. Harley discuss that at a workplace, one of the APs MUST leave...that its not a necessity that the WS leave, but that they simply cannot work together for recovery to work...it seems from reading so many stories on the forum, even if the AP leaves, the WS ends up leaving that workplace at some point, but not always. Just curious what the policies are for a FWS who remains in a workplace after the AP has left, or policies regarding a FWS returning to a workplace years after the affair has ended.


The second job prospect is more the focus: again, better pay, hours more conducive for the family (PT rather than FT), less hostile environment, etc. She is there now for only 4 Fridays for her grad school clinical, her university assigned her there; they've been impressed with her work and have discussed her joining their team.

This hospital is located in the same geographic county as the POSOM...but different region of the county. HFM would not be driving anywhere near the POS (assumed its still?) address...not on the way, won't pass it, etc.

Does that do anything to the 'odds' of a chance meeting? They met at her hospital in OUR county that was out of POSOMs home county.

I hope the backstory helps.

Thank you, and it is nice to hear from you.

You're contacting Dr. Harley, correct? Let us know when you hear back from them.

Have you explained yet why YOU are the one doing HER schoolwork?

BH -- yes, we are. Will do.

DB -- I don't do it FOR her, I just assist her WITH her coursework. Why? Because she's my wife, I've been through grad school already, and, being an English teacher, I am very, very good at writing and writing instruction.

Basic PoJA applies. She is not enthusiastic. Neither are you, presumably.



I'd think the odds of him chancing to work there or even visit there would be fairly high if he was in that field and lives in that area.

The POSOM is a carpenter who works in a union. So he's like a free agent who can be sent any jobsite in the greater tri-county region.

Makes it difficult -- feel penned in -- do we live our lives in a bubble because he can work for a general contractor anywhere?

This absolutely sucks because of the restrictive feeling it creates.