Yes. I am calm, was calm the whole time. The argument began because she started on me about UA time and not doing anything and I'm busy on the computer blah blah. Same craziness all the time...tired of living with her unresolved mental issues...tired of begging for sf and other needs to be met because she's constantly depressed, anxious, "ruined", by her affair. It was not her decision to unilaterally decide who to tell, but she broke that trust again. I can't stay with a person who views life through such a skewed lens. Its time to stop the charade and walk away.

It's been a long time that you are dealing with this type of behavior.

Knowing when to say when is important.

Good luck, man.

She was putting up with your neglect, which it seems by your own admission has continued, and your angry outbursts, which also appear to have continued, for a long time. You were right to leave the house since you cannot seem to change your behaviour.

So when are you going to change. I remember your screen name though not your story. Though no matter what the story is as I have pointed you both complain but never Really change. Sitting on the sofa you face buried in the computer her eyes glued to the TV screen is not UA time.

What it is, is WI time. We ignore time. Needs will not get met that way. Nor issues with being left out by her family can be handled that way as well.

Having a zillon posts on MB then staying away till an eruption happens is the Mt Vesuvius approach relationships.

Running to stay in a motel is the equivalent of spiting oneself. I'll show my WW. I'll leave the comfort of my home and kids and waste money in a motel.

Issues are there, and they are ignored, till someone erupts. Even if you felt the need to not need any more weekly counseling it is apparent that the both of you need a monthly tune up instead of build grudges.

Forgot to talk about the movie choice. There are a lot of affair movies.

Silver Lining Play Book, I would think BH's would find reminders of his WW affair upsetting though they would like the movie because even though there are painful reminders in the movie.

This BH got to beat the manure out of the OM and got a big upgrade in the woman department. His life took a bad turn in the movie. He then turned it around.

You need to find the right course to steer your life to.

Ok, just so I have this straight. If I'm downstairs on the computer doing her schoolwork for 45 minutes while she's upstairs watching TV, that is NOT neglect. But, one that's done and I'm on the computer for the next 45 minutes helping my brother with a job by submitting his resume to 5 places while she's upstairs watching TV, then that's neglect. Gotcha.

150 hours a week I spend running the household the kids helping her with school and try to drag her out of bed get her to stop wallowing in the past she just cries about being ruined, hates her job, never plans anything for us or rarely wants to go out....and the 2 hours this week she shows any life, I'M neglecting HER because I'm on the computer doing her schoolwork and submitting apps...just too confusing.

Good job on the smart-arsed sarcasm! Good way to expend your energies and use your intellect! How has that worked for you? Where are you now?

Not sarcasm at all. Sincere confusion. I can't continue dealing with the mood swings, the depression, the hating the job...and no effort to fix the problem or brainstorm solutions...she's just too busy with grad school. When I walk away so frustration doesn't lead to anger...when I step out when I am being verbally attacked, when I remove myself from a situation to let the adrenaline dissipate as I read and listened to to avoid AOs, again I'm attacked. Its disheartening, and I really believe there is a disconnect with the situation I live with and the feedback on this forum....trying to stay sane in the presence of mental health issues. That's all.

You were told about a million times on this thread that you needed MB coaching to get you out of your trap. You were neither of you capable of mustering the motivation to do this programme on your own. What you wrote above proves that you could not re-train your behaviours without help.

Mental health issues need mental health solutions. What did you and your wife do to seek solutions?

Abandoning your wife and kids because she has untreated mental health issues is unequivocally wrong.

I can only control me. I can't force her to refrain her brain, or change behaviors, or seek professional help. When I follow the advice in the readings and audio about removing myself from a situation PRIOR to frustration leading to an AO, that is a changed behavior. It is difficult to have a calm discussion, disagreement, it negotiate when the other person is so highly emotional.

What did I do to seek solutions? Well, I: spent the summer finding new doctors in our area. I found a new one for her. I established us new patients. I transferred our records over. I set up the initial appointment. I took her to the appointment. I set up ALL followup appointments. I reschedule all the followup appointments that she cancels/wont go to because of work or school. U drive her to all said appointments. I arranged for her prescription and all subsequent refills of the estrogen they put her on. I was the one "in charge" of appointments with our therapist...I urge her to go, she doesn't. I've tried to make appointments, but its often 'inconvenient' for her with work and school. I've set up appointments with her primary and taken her; she rejects the notion of taking ANY meds for anxiety, etc. I created a resume for her...i scour the ads every day and submit resmes foe her to get her out of this job she hates so much. I can't get her to do volunteer work it sign up for a yoga class or whatever because she's either 1. Too tired from work or 2. Too busy with grad school, which finally ends in may. I just finished helping her compose, edit, format, and complete a 26 page paper. That's what I've done for every course since she started in 2011...I am doing whatever I can whenever I can to help her earn this degree, which she labelled a "void" in her life. That's what I do.

If your wife has mental health issues and won't manage them, that is on her. No one can force her to.

I will be honest. i have always thought your wife was a bit of a drama queen, constantly bemoaning the cosequences of HER affair. I think in response you have taken on the martyr role and it is coming back to bite you. It is not your job to complete her grad assignments. If she isn't capable of that then she's likely not worthy of getting the degree in the first place.

It's important to her - LET HER FIGURE IT OUT.

Decide on your boundaries and enforce them.

But be clear whether this is just a tantrum, or a sober decision to end the marriage.

She takes her estrogen each day...cries a lot about work (wanted to ask a question about that, but guess that'll have to wait) wallows/discusses the past a lot, her mistake, shame, will she ever 'shine' again, etc. Talks about just ending her life...Always looking back to 2010, never on a better today or tomorrow...very difficult situation to be happy in or motivated in...

I feel Like I'm the only one rowing the boat most days, thus going in circles...

It was not up to her to decide who to share this story with...it us up to us. That was IB, and it is humiliating to know people WE decided would not be told were told by her.

Why is your brother not doing this?

Even if you have a special needs brother you are not needing to do this every night.

Yes it is IB.

What have you and WW been doing to address the IB behavior?

Whatever it is it appears nothing or your are both working on it independently. Which is not working for you.

Wife is like an addict. Her sickness/addiction must be cured first before she can be a good wife. She needs to recover her mental health.