So FTF and I are having a disagreement about the issue of meeting emotional needs and how it relates to falling in love with someone. He thinks that if you spend time with someone meeting their emotional needs, they will eventually fall in love with you. I, however, believe that it's more individualized than that. You have to be attracted to the person first and then you can be open to having your needs met by him/her. Kind of like "you can't start a fire without a spark" type thing. What do you guys think?

Dr. Harley believes that anyone can fall in love with anyone if their ENs are getting met and the balance goes over the romantic threshold. That's why it is so important that you protect your Love Bank from the wrong person making deposits.

Is PA one of your top ENs? What are your top ENs? Are you two getting your UA time?

PA is not one of mine, but it is one of his. Mine are
1. FC
2. RC
3. FS
4. DS
5. Adm

For the past month and a half, we have done very well getting in our UA time.

Yes, he is correct. If you meet each others intimate emotional needs for 20+ hours per week, you will fall in love. If you keep doing this, you will find your feelings coming back for him. Your time should be spent meeting the top 4 INTIMATE emotional needs. FC and FS are not intimate emotional needs.

You will BECOME attracted to the person who meets your needs. That is how it works. And it usually happens pretty fast.

How much UA time are you getting? Is your UA time used to meet the four intimate ENs?

Let's start with the premise behind the Love Bank;

Romantic Love is a collection of positive memories associated with someone whom you have some attraction to - commonly a member of the opposite sex.

Emotional Needs, then, are actions which can be taken by someone of the opposite sex which will create strong memory associations.

Given this, if someone takes the time to create several strong positive memory associations, they "create" a feeling of Romantic Love!


If this is done properly, a person who may not have seemed "attractive" before suddenly is "attractive." In fact, they may become irresistable!


Back to your question - it seems you are saying that you don't believe your husband finds YOU attractive? Is this the correct assumption?

Twenty plus hours of UA time meeting each others' intimate emotional needs works, but with the caveat that POJA and PORH are in place and Lovebusters have been eliminated. It appears that you don't enjoy UA time or that it's not filling your love bank, that you're not interested in the intimacy. Do you know why not?

I agree with the point about lovebusters, but most couples don't master POJA or PORH until later. In fact, it is easier to implement the POJA and PORH when you are in love. They can fall in love as long as they are meeting the top 4 intimate ENs and avoiding lovebusters consistently during 20+ hours per week.

And the majority of the time needs to be spent OUT of the home. If it is spent at home, it is low quality UA time when you are not in love. When you are in love, though, it can be effective.

Actually now that I think about it, we haven't gotten our hours in the past 2 weeks. It's hard to find fun things to do outside of the house because, nowadays, I would rather be fixing up the house to get it ready to sell. It makes me happy when he helps me. I enjoy doing that with him.

When my H and I first started working the MB program, we charted our UA time for 84 straight weeks. The few occasions our UA time dipped below 20 hours, there was an immediate impact in our feelings. We both felt unhappy, right away.

Dr. Harley has advised many couples about the stressfulness of fixing up a house. Certainly, it is not quality UA time. In my H's and my case, we have an agreement to never wallpaper again. We stick to paint. Even so, painting in the house is not time we would ever count for UA.

AM

That is where you should start. Start by scheduling 4 - 3-4 hour dates outside of the house. Put on make up, look nice and go out and have fun! You can do stuff around the house, but it needs be done AFTER your UA time is scheduled....outside of the house.

Yes you will love ANYONE who meets your needs over time. You'd fall in love with a goat, which explains many affair partner choices.

Remember people have fallen in love with their violent abusive kidnappers (also known as Stockholm Syndrome) because they are meeting needs in caring for them.

Does this debate have anything to do with your recovery or is it just a query?

I'm skeptical that it even works that way.

Would you be open to posting your ideas for scheduling UA time?

Because you have not experienced it. You should be asking those who are in love how they did it.

You don't have to believe it in order for it to work. As long as you go through the motions it will happen.

Wouldn't it be ideal to be in love with your husband?

A recent case on the forum is Prisca and Markos. She didn't believe it either.. And guess what? She is now in love with her husband.

What do you enjoy doing outside of the house with your DH?

Prisca was pretty adamant about it!

Dr. Harley's research and experience with thousands of couples supports this idea. It has worked in every case where Dr. Harley has been able to convince both husband and wife to try it. The only times that it has not worked has been where husband or wife or both would not do it.

When you tell FtF that you don't want to spend time together giving this a chance to work, you are basically letting him have no hope at all of his needs ever being met. His only hope is for you to fall in love with him so that you will want to meet his needs, enthusiastically. He can do this if you will spend the time with him and give him honest and accurate feedback about what is enjoyable and what is not enjoyable for you.

If you're letting other things crowd out the meeting of your needs I would imagine he is feeling pretty depressed and hopeless. When Prisca spoke to me like that often it was depressing enough that I had to use antidepressants to stay the course.

You might ask Dr. Harley directly about the home remodeling thing, but if there are any fights involved it is definitely not quality UA time.